From the author: 1. Concept, essence and general characteristics of states of loss.2. Psychology of experiencing the loss of a loved one.3. Psychology of divorce as loss of family. As it was once sung in a popular pop song, “we cannot live in this world without losses!” Human life is impossible without losses and losses. Main types of losses1. Irreversible: death of a loved one (the most severe loss), termination of a relationship with a loved one; 2. Temporary: long-term separations, termination of relationships with a loved one (temporary);3. Social losses: loss of work or study;4. Mental or physical: loss of a part of the body, corresponding abilities or capabilities, spiritual or material, animals or a favorite toy (in children). Usually the words grief and loss are used as synonyms. Loss is an experience, a human experience associated with the death of a loved one. Grief is a feeling and manifestation of the experience of loss. 2. Psychology of experiencing the loss of a loved one. Together with the loss of a loved one, a whole world leaves a person’s life - the world of connections, attachments, relationships, care, and, despite the fact that every day millions of people experience grief and loss, every person has it unique, grief is unique and can lead to psychological crises. The famous researcher Kübler-Ross did a lot to ensure that death ceased to be a taboo topic. She spent a lot of time around dying patients, and she, having generalized her experience, systematized their experiences. When a person learns that he has an incurable disease, he sequentially experiences five main stages: - denial; - anger; - depression; - bargaining; - acceptance. Denial stage. Having learned that he is terminally ill, a person considers this a mistake. He is sure that the diagnosis was incorrect, that everything is mixed up, that this could happen to anyone, but not to him. Anger phase. It comes when these illusions are dispelled. A person asks himself the question: “Why me?” and begins to blame God, fate, doctors, the one whom he considers to blame for what happened. Stage of depression. A person loses interest in life. He is overcome by a feeling of despair and complete hopelessness. Stages of bargaining. The thirst for life is the strongest of all human thirsts. A person is ready to promise anything in exchange for prolonging his life. Many promise to lead a righteous life, quit drinking and smoking, change dramatically, if only they have life left. Acceptance stage. Characterized by internal devastation, people come to terms with the inevitability of death and peace and tranquility reign in the human soul. A person strives to complete his earthly journey, put things in order and waits for the end without fear and with peace. Three main stages of experiencing one’s own departure and that of another person. The first stage in reactions of loss is emotional shock, numbness, petrification. The second stage is melancholy, crying, violation sleep, appetite, attention. The third stage is the stage of resolution, acceptance of what has happened, the understanding that life has not ended, but continues. In 1943, American psychiatrist Eric Lindemann, in his book “Symptomatology and the Work of Acute Grief,” which became a classic work, introduced the concept - the work of grief. Grief is an unbearable painful experience. The task of the work of grief is to mentally break away from the lost loved one, now irretrievably gone, and learn to live without him. The main phases of the natural work of grief 1 phase of grief is shock and numbness : “It can’t be...” This is the first reaction to the news of the death of a loved one. This state can last from a few seconds to several weeks and on average ends by the 7th, 9th day after the loss. During this moment the person is very tense, he has difficulty breathing, he wants to take a deep breath, but cannot, the sigh is convulsive, the appetite is lost, the person does not care what he looks like, lethargy arises, which is replaced by minutes of fussy activity. A feeling of impossibility, unreality of what is happening, deafness appears in a person’s consciousness; very often people do not remember what happenedthem happened during this period. A person seems to switch off from the present, he exists, but at the same time time seems to flow past him. Phase 2 is the search phase. It occurs on the 5th, 12th day after the news of death. During this period, it always seems to a person that the deceased is present nearby: the doorbell rings, and suddenly it’s a person returning, a face flashes in the crowd, and it’s him, family and friends! Such visions are common and natural, but they frighten people, they consider them signs of impending madness. The departed is spoken of in the present tense, not in the past. A person almost realistically experiences the sensation of a loved one nearby. Phase 3 is the phase of acute grief, it is also called the phase of emotional explosion. It lasts up to 6-7 weeks from the moment of the tragic event. This is the period of the most acute suffering, severe mental pain. Strange and frightening thoughts and feelings appear. This is a feeling of meaninglessness, despair, a feeling of loneliness, anger, fear, guilt, anxiety, helplessness. A person is choked by tears, sobs, pain in the heart, various physical symptoms: tightness in the chest, a lump in the throat, sleep disturbance, a feeling of heaviness of any action, a feeling of emptiness in the stomach, shortened difficulty breathing, a decrease or unusual change in appetite, and so on. It becomes difficult for a person to concentrate on what he is doing, many things are not completed, and sometimes an unconscious identification with the deceased arises, which manifests itself in involuntary imitation of facial expressions, gestures, postures, and some statements of the deceased. Many loved ones, unfamiliar with such a picture of grief, try at this moment to stuff the person with tranquilizers and sedatives, thereby stretching out this period in time, preventing the pain from pouring out. It is during this period that it is important that loved ones support the grieving person, simply by being next to him, without artificially prolonging this period. Phase 4 - a feeling of depression, depression, emptiness arises, the experience of loss begins and the beginning of reconciliation with the inevitable. At this stage, various exacerbations are possible existing diseases, sometimes the same symptoms appear that the deceased had before the illness, before the end. Phase 5 is a feeling of confusion and panic, a person needs to change his whole life, find a new place in life without a loved one. And it is unknown what to do next and how to cope with this. Phase 6 - the emergence of an acute feeling of guilt before the deceased, that they didn’t give enough, that they called the doctor at the wrong time, that they didn’t give the medicine, if everything could be changed, a lot could be done otherwise, phase 7 is the phase of aggression and hostility towards the cause of grief. This could be resentment towards the deceased for leaving and abandoning, it could be anger at doctors who did not save, it could be anger at those people or events that became the involuntary causes of the death of a loved one. These reactions seem to push back the moment when the burden of life falls on the shoulders of the bereaved; it’s like shifting the blame for the fact that I cannot cope with the feelings that have washed over me onto other people: they are to blame for the fact that I feel so bad.8 phase - the phase of awakening hope, when a person feels that he continues, that he can, he is able to cope with the grief that has fallen on him and can live on. 9 phase - the phase of residual shocks and reorganization. Life gets back on track, sleep and appetite are restored, experiences remain, but they are already becoming fragmented. And acute attacks of grief arise only under appropriate circumstances: for the first time a New Year without him, a letter has arrived, but the person is not there, today would be his birthday. And this phase lasts for a year. During this time, significant life situations pass completely: the first birthday without him, the first New Year, the first wedding anniversary, which passed without a deceased spouse, after which life returns to normal. 10 phase - the phase of a person’s affirmation in reality, this is a step forward into a new life , a life in which there is no person, but the memory of him remains. And the individual copes with many new tasks associated with changes in material,social relationships, and the memories that appear are already free from pain, guilt, resentment, tears. Some memories become especially valuable and dear. They are woven into whole stories about how wonderful this or that person was; of course, we idealize this image a little. 11 phase - the final phase - the completion phase (about a year later, the work of grief is completed). In many cultures, the anniversary of death is the final date. Therefore, a year is allotted for mourning, after which the person must return to normal life. The meaning and objectives of the work of grief are to ensure that the image of the deceased takes its place in a person’s life. It can be a symbol of kindness or a symbol of warmth, like a mother, and at the same time a person is free from painful experiences. “Stuck” reactions of loss A feeling of one’s own powerlessness, leading to despair, and complete denial of the loss. Cases are described when a mother who has lost a child at sea or on the street does not come to terms with the loss, searches for him, and believes that he is alive. Although there is clear evidence that the child died. Longing for the deceased, which occupies all the thoughts and feelings of a person, and there is no strength or ability to do ordinary everyday activities. A person is completely absorbed in painful memories. Avoidance of everything connected with the deceased: memories, things, mutual acquaintances, common places, all possible avoidance of reminders of the deceased. Self-identification with the deceased: manifestation of certain character traits and even symptoms of diseases that the deceased suffered from. Idealization of the deceased. It is especially difficult for brothers and sisters in a family where a child has been lost. The departed can never play pranks or be rude, he is always the best, his image is brighter than real living children. Nightmares combined with isolation from society. When a person cherishes his nightmare, he is afraid and wants it at the same time. People who have experienced several losses, those who had a strong emotional connection or complex relationships with the deceased are prone to such reactions. Such reactions occur in lonely people who feel strong guilt before the deceased, in people who have suffered bereavements in early childhood, in people who are completely focused on their own experiences. This reaction is typical for parents who have lost a child, and those whose loved one died unexpectedly or with a “shameful” disease, which cannot be discussed about murder itself, AIDS, and so on. Elderly widowers who have not remarried experience the loss especially hard. On the other hand, too early remarriage also prolongs the reaction of loss and grief. Modern experts identify several forms of complicated grief. A.N. Mokhovikov describes the following forms: chronic grief; conflictual grief; suppressed grief; unexpected grief; delayed grief; absent grief. Chronic grief. In this form, the experience is permanent and does not decrease over time. Longing for a person, which should subside over time, on the contrary, grows. And even the slightest reminder of the loss causes impulsive painful experiences: crying, melancholy, dark thoughts, apathy, depression. Conflict grief. One or more signs of grief are distorted, as a rule, these are feelings of guilt and anger. Self-blame appears: I am to blame for what happened. Suppressed or masked grief. The external manifestation of grief is either insignificant or completely absent. But instead, health complaints and signs of illness appear, very often coinciding with those that the deceased had. There is no awareness of this. The person seems to go into illness. Unexpected grief. Suddenness makes it almost impossible to accept the loss, a feeling of anxiety arises, and it is in the case of unexpected grief that suicidal behavior is very common among survivors. Delayed grief. The experience of grief is postponed for a long period, immediately after loss, emotional manifestations arise, but then they seem to disappear and the person does not want to come to terms with the loss, does not want to part with expensive things, everything reminds of the departed. Absentgrief. With this form there are no external manifestations, as if there was no loss at all. The person either completely denies it or is in a state of shock. If this condition continues, the person experiences a severe emotional disorder, which is called post-traumatic stress disorder PTSD. Despite the fact that grief is accompanied by acute emotions, it is necessary to grieve, and after the death of a loved one, those left behind are faced with the task of completing his work on earth, fulfilling certain obligations in relation to the deceased and continue his life in order to carry the memory of the deceased person.3. The psychology of divorce as the loss of a family. A family, like a person, is born, develops, matures, and sometimes the development of a family ends with its death - divorce. As the great classic of Russian literature Lev Nikolaevich Tolstoy argued, “all happy families are the same, all unhappy families are unhappy in their own way.” Nevertheless, the main peaks of divorce are identified: 1. Peak. The time when a child begins to attend kindergarten or school. By this time, maternal diaper washing fades into the background, and the child more and more often requires paternal influence, and many fathers are not ready for this or are removed from the educational role, limiting their function only financial support for the family. Friction arises in families over the problems of raising children, attitudes towards values, material, spiritual, and so on. The coincidence in time of two crises is the teenage crisis for children and the crisis of 40-year-olds for their parents. At this age, parents overestimate their values, and children rebel, demanding greater powers, challenging parental authority. The overlap of two crises leads to the fact that the family begins to be torn apart from the inside, torn apart by contradictions.2. The peak of divorce occurs precisely at the age of 40-45 years. This just happens after 10-15 years of marriage. This is the second turning point crisis period in the life of a family. Next is a critical period associated with the professional self-determination of grown-up children. In the current conditions of economic recession, increasing competition, and increasing difficulty in obtaining an education, many parents fear for the future of their children and make large financial and moral investments in them, trying to ensure their professional future. At the same time, very often the interests of children are taken into account by parents in a very unique way. And many frictions arise precisely on this basis.3 Peak. The next crisis period in the development of a family is the retirement of one or both spouses. This period turns out to be difficult for people with leadership inclinations who are accustomed to express themselves in professional activities. And if they do not find an adequate replacement activity for themselves, then they develop a feeling of dissatisfaction with life and their own uselessness. For some men, this stage is accompanied by such a phenomenon as the race for youth, when a man tries to realize himself in new social and sexual relationships and prove to everyone that he is “still wow.” It is during this period that the third peak of divorces and the second peak of suicide attempts in old age occur. It is during this period that adult children separate from the parental family, go to live their own lives, into their own families, and the spouses remain, as it were, eye to eye. Many are not ready for such close emotional and physical communication, and it is during this period that divorces most often occur in old age. Divorce, being a situation of loss, gives rise to the same experiences that are typical for people who have lost a loved one as a result of death. Stage denial. A person spends a lot of mental energy, feelings, time, money on creating a relationship with another person, so it is difficult for him to come to terms with the thought of divorce. At this stage, a person tries to push away what happened: “Everything is fine with us, these are temporary difficulties. Nothing special happened, thousands change and nothing, they live, and we will livesomehow.” Stage of embitterment. The mental pain from the realization of betrayal increases and people defend themselves with bitterness towards the person who betrayed them. A vengeful relationship begins. Children, close relatives, and family friends are drawn into these relationships. The partner is accused of all conceivable and unimaginable sins. Negotiation stage (the most difficult). During this period, attempts are made to restore marriage and lost relationships. Pressure is used. Women sometimes resort to such means as pregnancy and the birth of another child in an attempt to save their marriage. The stage of depression (occurs if these attempts fail). When a person feels like a failure, his level of self-esteem sharply decreases, he stops trusting other people, begins to avoid people, becomes depressed. A person is afraid to make new deep personal contacts, so as not to be betrayed again; having been “burned by milk”, a person “blows on the water.” Adaptation stage. It occurs when a person understands that in the event of a divorce, there will still be at least an incomplete family. Children need support, life goes on, it is necessary to learn to live in new conditions: make new friends, because with divorce they are very often lost. People living in a state of stress 2-3 years after divorce have a higher level of alcoholism, physical illness and depression, which is direct the result of a drastic change in life. Most divorced people cope with their problems after 2-3 years, after which they regain a sense of well-being and control over their lives. At the same time, women cope with emotional problems faster, and men remarry faster. According to a number of American studies, divorced men remarry 3-3.5 times more often than divorced women. Most divorced men over the age of 40 marry again within a year or two after their divorce. While only a third of divorced women of this age even get married again. Many middle-aged men who remarry marry younger women and have children again. Men and women who had an active social life before divorce are more likely to successfully rebuild their lives, due to the fact that they can invest more time in new social relationships, meet a partner and build a new model of family life. A certain proportion of divorced people experience the consequences divorce within 10 years after the divorce. And although divorce is a very painful condition, it nevertheless brings significant relief to at least one of the spouses, and in the future the lives of both can improve. The consequences of divorce affect not only the spouses, but also the children. Children’s reactions to their parents’ divorce vary greatly depending on depending on age. The main phases of the process of adaptation of children after divorce The first phase (the most acute) lasts approximately 2 years. This is the time of emotional and physical separation of one of the spouses from the children. The second phase is the transition phase. Adults navigate life without each other, experiencing the ups and downs of this life. Children gradually get used to having a “Sunday” dad or to the fact that new male friends appear in their mother’s life. The third phase is post-divorce, each of the parents determines their own new life style. One or both start new families. However, the consequences of marriage and remarriage for children are different. The remarriage of the mother and the appearance of a stepfather usually improves the situation for the boy in the family, the presence of a man contributes to their better sexual identification, but serious difficulties can arise in the stepfather-stepdaughter relationship. Three types of reactions of children to divorce: · winners · losers are survivors. Winners receive from their parents' divorce certain benefits: Sunday dads pamper them, they blackmail their mothers with the idea that they will go to live with dad, and divorce brings them increased attention from loved ones. Losers: These are children who, depending on the circumstances, continue to suffer. The attitude of the remaining family member towards the child deteriorates sharply, especially.