I am holding a matryoshka in my hands. She is bright and beautiful. I like to look at her. Its surface is varnished and pleasant to the touch. Under the varnish there are several layers of paint, under the paint there is wood... But I know that what I see is not everything. I know that there is something else inside... I open it and find another one, exactly the same nesting doll, but a little smaller... And another one... And another... More and more. Until I discover a very tiny one... Matryoshka for me is a symbol of a woman, a symbol of me. Here, a very tiny one, is a symbol of the inner child who needs love and care. As the child grows up, new needs appear and in order to survive, a new nesting doll is needed... As we grow up, we learn new skills and another nesting doll appears, inside of which the little child is still hiding. Each new nesting doll is new knowledge about oneself, a new “I”, another crisis lived through. And now, after 20, 30, 40 years, we say: “I’m big, I’m an adult,” but the little nesting doll is still inside. And all these 5, 7, 10, 15 internal nesting dolls, all this is also me... Everything I know about them, all this is about me too. They may have flaws, chips of varnish and paint, abrasions. Some may be painted crookedly, some are not varnished, for example. The process of growing up was different for everyone, which is why everyone’s nesting dolls are different. And this life experience is exactly what makes everyone unique, different from others. Here there is delight from the first book read, disappointment from failure, the pain of knocked knees, the smell of the first bouquet of flowers, the joy and tears of first love, impressions of the journey, the disappointment of unjustified expectations, the happiness of a long-awaited meeting... All these nesting dolls are a value without which within itself the big nesting doll will be empty. By devaluing our life experience, we lose our points of support, we lose ourselves. Trying to be someone we are not, we try to dress someone else’s nesting doll, which does not fit the previous ones. Our previous experiences are not shoehorned into the image of the new self. And then a crisis arises again... What to do? Sometimes, moving forward can be so scary that it’s easier to stop at what is, not to create something new, not to go through a crisis, to remain a little, capricious girl or a rebellious teenager... You can file, trim the previous model, thereby forget, displace, ignore, but it will remain a mark, a wound, sometimes very painful, which is scary to touch... And then this place becomes either very vulnerable or not at all sensitive. And if there are many, many such places... Life becomes pain... Unfortunately, we do not have the opportunity to choose our feelings. By deciding not to feel pain, we deprive ourselves of the opportunity to experience all other feelings: joy, love, recognition, gratitude, happiness... And here, perhaps, it’s worth thinking about: why do I need someone else’s nesting doll, if instead of the expected joy and happiness I feel pain, or I don’t feel anything at all, nothing brings me joy... You can, of course, follow the well-worn path and try to put someone else’s nesting doll on yourself, telling yourself, I was mistaken, perhaps I don’t need this one, but that one... but the result, unfortunately , will be the same... You can even ask someone to help, but even if someone else does the sawing and cutting, the wounds will still be yours... Or you can create a new one, taking into account the features of the previous one, all the previous ones, be careful with these features, which are the biggest value. Apply varnish to the abrasions, thereby restoring sensitivity. Appreciate, respect and be grateful for previous experiences. And then, your nesting doll will be the most beautiful, most valuable and most expensive for you. Because you know everything about her. Because you created it yourself...My nesting doll is in my hands. And I don't want to give it to anyone. I can add new colors or another layer of varnish for more shine, I can leave everything as is... But I know that all the most valuable things are inside... My nesting doll is in my hands and it is always with me! Author: Nadezhda Zhirkova.