How did YOU end up in bed with an abuser. The first question you will be asked when you talk about your life with an abuser is - But how did you marry him? Where were you looking? And most importantly, how did you bring a man to this point if you married a normal man? In this article I want to tell you how this happens. How they marry an abuser, give birth to a child, or even two, from him (abusers especially strive for this), and how difficult it is to leave this relationship. Phase one, promising. You met a man. He is good for everyone and everywhere. He cares, he easily apologizes if he did something wrong, he takes responsibility, he has cute little weaknesses - in general, everything is like ordinary healthy people. You are happy together, you decide to get married, have a child (three! - he says cheerfully and winks. You laugh and flick him on the nose - Are you going to give birth yourself? But I’ll get fat and run away? But you want such a family - a bright home with big windows, baby.. even maybe two.. caring husband, Sunday breakfast, seaside vacation...) And you marry your dream. Phase two, wonderful. You are doing well and even better. Your husband brings you coffee in bed, bags from stores and you in his arms. Especially if you are already pregnant. “Don’t get up, I’ll bring/open/do it, and you rest!” - he says with a smile. “You need to rest a lot!” This is very nice, this is what you dreamed of. Well, the bags are really heavy, and the curtains are high, you could fall off the stool. You are so happy! He helps a lot with the baby, he is a wonderful father, your parents are happy for you, your friends are jealous. He just doesn’t want to invite a nanny so you can go to work - but you yourself are not in a big hurry, you like being a mother, and your husband is talking about a second child - let there be a little difference, it’s great, the children will be friends. And you don't even really mind. Phase three, inclined. After a while you notice that he says “I’ll bring it” without much enthusiasm and without a smile. Oh, you think, maybe I don’t show him enough how happy and grateful I am for such care. He does so much for us. We need to thank him more often. And you give thanks. Both in words and in deeds - you cook what he likes, and you do what he likes - the function of a hostess or the function of a sexual breakout, or something else that always pleased him. But here somehow it’s not. That is, he seems happy, but you always feel like you need to push harder, try harder. If something doesn’t work out, he tells you - oh well, well, you can’t do it, no one is perfect, nothing, I love you just the way you are. And you suddenly feel uncomfortable - and so... Phase four, sliding. The phrase “sit here, I’ll do it myself” is supplemented by facial expressions or even the words “otherwise you yourself can’t really do anything.” When you catch this moment, realize it, you are horrified. You! A capable student, professional, specialist, adult, who in the recent past quite successfully solved various problems at work and managed her own life, can’t really do anything?? You're jumping up. True, at this moment you usually have at least one baby and a household in your arms, with cooking, washing and full servicing of your husband. He provides, you serve. If you figured out this unpleasant truth, well done. You are indignant at yourself - how did I get to this! It somehow slipped off unnoticed. How did he bring it to this! But how, exactly? He cared, but now, of course, he’s tired, you even understand why he doesn’t smile anymore and is so often irritated. Of course, you think, sex is good, but he needs a female partner, and here I am, all in diapers... And you make a breakthrough. That’s it, you tell your husband, I’ve had enough of sitting at home / I’ve had enough of dragging everything around on my own, I want everything back the way it was. The husband is surprised. Well, well, he says, let's see. Well done. Just let's not drop the child off at kindergarten, and my stomach hurts from semi-finished products, please make sure that our level of comfort doesn't drop, and don't worry about money, I'm making moneyenough. You don’t have to get a job right away, you’ve fallen behind, dropped out of the profession, who will hire you now for decent money and projects. Bring up the hardware, or something. Wow, the manager stayed at my house too long. And, like in a swamp, the jerk plunges you deeper. No matter what you do now, everything is bad. You bought yourself a new dress - well, haven’t you tried it on or something, buy yourself something more beautiful. Well, you can even choose something better for your figure. Come on, don’t cry, I love you even like that. Who else needs you, my fat one. Have you started a renovation or even just bought a new closet - damn, can you even organize anything? It’s not so difficult for the delivery to arrive not on Friday, but on Thursday; the assemblers arrived on time and did everything properly. How did you get ready to work, who will hire you? And what are those handles on the closet, well, where did you look when you were choosing, you can’t be trusted with anything! You decided to paint the wall - you’re crooked, the color is wrong, you bought the wrong paint and anyway, why the hell should I breathe this paint and can’t rest?? And so with everything - just sit there, damn it, I’ll do it myself! You can't do anything! But you really can't. I give up on every comment and even before he says anything. He earns money for us, provides for the whole family, spares no money for me, but I can’t even buy a decent dress, I have no taste - you think. - I was there before, where did it go? Fashion changed while I was sitting at home. These are the young beauties around him at work. And he comes home to me, how lucky I am to have such a husband. Everything about me is crooked, I’m stupid and incompetent, but he still loves me, takes care of me. Well, of course he sometimes grumbles and criticizes. But not every day. He has the right, he gets tired at work and does everything at home, I can’t cope without him. You are the one to blame. I am guilty. And this is almost the bottom. Phase five, bottom. Now he can do everything he considers possible. Walking - yes, and it’s your own fault that a man is walking away from you, because who are you? You’re nobody, you can’t even take care of yourself, and who needs you and your child anyway? And during this time he managed to make a career, he is a professional, he is taken seriously. And it's your own fault. Can control your expenses - because, my dear, do you know how money is earned? You probably forgot, sitting on my neck. And you spend forever on some kind of nonsense, but I don’t eat this yogurt and this sausage, you should at least read the ingredients, apparently even school chemistry passed by, well, well. Why do you need lipstick, where are you going?? He can control your actions - you never know where it will take you, you’re stupid, you trust everyone, they’ll scam you out of money - you won’t even notice. Such a fool is a gift for a scammer. And there’s no need to look away! While your husband is plowing at work, will you wag your tail?? And there’s nothing to do with girlfriends, I know these girlfriends! Yes, they envy you, you are such a fool that you don’t even see this! By the way, your Irka is making eyes at me, haven’t you noticed? But in vain. But even in a barrel of shit there are spoons of honey. There are days when he wakes up with a smile, tells you about love, laughs at your jokes, buys you and the children gifts, goes out with you “in public,” and you are so happy - you did something right! Now, you just need to behave correctly, and everything will come back! You'll fix everything now! He is the one you fell in love with! Your life is no longer sugar, you have no freedom, no money, no self-respect, no love, no sex (because this is also only when he wants), and you understand this. You just don’t understand - how?? How did it happen? How to fix it?? All your energy goes into maintaining a beautiful picture for the outside world and searching for that turning point when everything went wrong between you. And how can I fix it? And one terrible day he will hit you. Either with a fist, or with words. He will humiliate you, trample you, and watch you cry. And you will have nowhere to go - where, with a child and no money? To parents? Yes, they won’t believe it, but if they do, then mom will have a heart attack, and dad will say that it’s my fault, no, I can’t go to them. TO?