People prone to codependency not only stubbornly hold on to relationships that are destroying them, but also diligently avoid what could make their situation easier - for example, help from loved ones and psychotherapy. They turn to a psychologist with complaints about what is happening in their relationship or seek help in getting over a painful breakup, but often run away when they find that they will have to shift the focus of attention to their own personality. They tend to see their partner as an extremely unhappy person who needs their love and care , even if we are talking about abuse. They relieve their partner of responsibility, perceiving him as an unreasonable child who simply needs to be approached. And, of course, they do not realize what contribution they themselves make to reinforcing the existing unhealthy system of relationships. The terrible truth that codependent people are so afraid to admit is that they cannot control their partner’s behavior. This means that at any moment they can face loss. Those prone to codependency grow up in dysfunctional families, so the role of a rescuer/parent is natural for them. They are used to feeling needed through caring for a “problematic” loved one: dependent, mentally ill, infantile. We are also accustomed to living in unpredictability and fear: the behavior of an addicted or psychologically disturbed person cannot be predicted, so you need to be prepared for anything. Periods of calm and well-being are replaced by a terrible experience of disaster and fear of loss - a significant adult and a relationship with him. For the child’s psyche, this loss is too crushing to come to terms with. Growing up, such people retain a similar catastrophic perception of the loss of a significant person. They simply do not believe that they can withstand it. Therefore, loss frightens them more than the prospect of an unhappy relationship, rather than a threat to mental and even physical health. The inability to accept loss also underlies the “stuckness” in painful experiences after a breakup. To survive this event, a person must grieve it. However, the work of grief is hampered by internal bargaining: a person continues to cherish hopes for the restoration of relationships, looking for his mistakes and the opportunity to correct them. He still believes that he can regain control of the situation, but the key to solving the problem is recognizing his powerlessness. Codependent people take full responsibility for what happens in the relationship. They reason like this: “If I had behaved differently then...”, “I simply could not convey my love to my partner.” They agree to bear this burden of guilt only in order not to face the fact that they cannot influence the behavior of their loved one. This is not as scary as admitting that the partner made the choice himself (and was not forced into it), that he has the freedom not to love or appreciate the one who cares about him. The need to return the partner's responsibility for what happened is a difficult test and moment of truth in psychotherapy for codependent individuals. Usually they strive with all their might to justify their partner, thereby becoming in opposition to those close to them who are interested in their well-being, to the psychologist, and to their own traumatized part that needs help. Their habit of ignoring their own discomfort is part of a defense mechanism that allows them to turn a blind eye to reality. They are willing to reject real help just to avoid facing powerlessness. And only by taking a step towards him, codependent individuals have the opportunity to survive the loss and not collapse.