From the author: When trouble comes somewhere nearby, a person often has conflicting feelings. On the one hand, something inside tells us that we need to somehow participate and help, on the other hand, we are constrained by awkwardness, fear, and a feeling of our own powerlessness. Another person’s misfortune responds to us in different ways. We want to run away from some events at breakneck speed, because what happened really frightens us, and it is unbearable to touch it. It also happens the other way around, when someone else’s grief inexplicably beckons. And I want to be at the epicenter of events. Our reasons for this may be different, but this article is not about that! This article is for those who really sincerely want to support a loved one in their pain, and not worry about them. Unfortunately, these motives are often confused with one another. It often happens that in trying to help, people only further traumatize a person who is already having a very difficult time. If you want to be close to someone close in difficult times without causing harm, the first thing you should do is deal with Your own feelings and needs. “Why do I need to be close to him during this period?” “Do I have the resource to be for another”? “What do I expect to get for myself in return”? The answers to these questions are very important because what if behind your desire to support are actually such needs as: - to feel noble, - to test yourself for emotional stability, - to “recharge” (yes, grief is very energizing with emotions that only at first glance seem “negative” In fact, people love to suffer. And the undying popularity of melodramas and disaster films is proof of this) - to add value to their life (and death passing by very well copes with this task), - to get in touch with their fears and, as it were, to “rehearse”. "your upcoming losses, etc., then please find a way to satisfy them in a different way. It is important to realize that supporting another in grief is charity on your part. This is not the mutually beneficial exchange of resources that occurs in ordinary communication. This is not an investment in your relationship that will later be returned in the form of gratitude and devotion. And, if you are not a professional psychologist whom you turned to for help, this is not your responsibility. Being close to a person in acute grief makes sense only out of love and respect for him. If you still really want to be close, but are still afraid of doing something wrong, then the examples below will help you avoid the most common mistakes:- There is no need to say: “I know how you feel,” “This is very difficult,” “What happened is terrible,” “This is an irreparable loss!” and so on. Don't tell the person about him! For everyone, loss carries its own meanings and evokes its own feelings. And this process is dynamic. And there is a very high probability of “not getting” into the current state of a person. What if he just, for a few minutes, suddenly felt somehow inexplicably light and light, and you sadly tell him how hard it is for him?.. - Don’t empathize so much that you yourself have to be reassured. Sometimes events from the life of another person resonate with us so much that we ourselves sincerely fall into experiencing very difficult feelings. As a result, instead of support and participation, the person whose grief actually happened sees OUR pain and fear in our eyes. - Do not try to adjust the behavior of a grieving person to your ideas about how to do it correctly. There is no need to advise you to cry if it seems abnormal to you that a person does not cry - you don’t know what he does in his pillow at night. There is no need to advise to calm down if it seems to you that a person has been crying for too long - you don’t know what kind of pain he is coping with right now. - In no case provoke conversations that begin with the words: “What if...”, “It should have been …" and so on. One of the most painful things in dealing with loss is facing...