How does it happen that a person turns into an abuser? There are several reasons why a person might choose this style of behavior in interpersonal relationships. The first reason. The person was raised in a family where violence was the norm. The parents or one of the parents was an abuser, and terrorized the child or their other half. And the child observed this, or the child, together with the second parent, was in the position of “victim,” or the parents united in a “punitive squad” and used their entire arsenal of criticism and manipulation against the child. All these options leave a mark on the child, and he, being brought up in such circumstances, will believe that this behavior is normal in family relationships. In this case, the child may remain a “victim” and find an “aggressor” for a mate, and since these are the attitudes in his brain, and he believes that a happy family relationship is precisely when you are criticized, manipulated, and your feelings and other delights of abusive relationships. Or, the child himself can become an aggressor, because in childhood he saw how his mother shouted at his father, kicked him out of the house, and his father beat his mother and did not talk to her for several days, and then they said how much they love each other. And that’s it, the child remembered that this is exactly what love is, you must first beat your wife, and then say that this is love. Or you need to humiliate and criticize your husband, punish him with food and sex, and then give him a “portion of love.” Based on what kind of childhood it was, a child can take away from it such a perception of relationships in the family. This is the problem, if parents have not solved their family problems, then they are passed on, so to speak, by inheritance. The child is likely to project this type of relationship into his future family. And, if nothing happens that a person will rethink this behavior, then these problems can drag on for generations. Traumatized children will continue to traumatize their children until one of them breaks the vicious circle, works through their problems, and writes new behavior patterns into the family tree. The second reason, which may be much more complex, is that the abusive partner may be a psychopath or a sociopath.Who is a sociopath? This is a person who is not capable of empathy. Due to the peculiarities of brain development, mirror neurons responsible for learning and social connections do not work properly, and the person simply does not understand and does not feel the pain of another person. The sociopath himself does not suffer from his peculiarity; he can integrate into society, imitating feelings and expressing empathy. But, for a sociopath, it is completely normal to use people for his own purpose, and throw them away as an unnecessary thing. He can swear his love for you, and the next day start a new romance in front of your eyes, while he will not honor anything in relation to you. A sociopath can betray any person, “go over their head,” not because he is bad. It’s just a mental deviation, and if the sociopath himself wants to adapt normally in society, and understands that he hurts people, he can adapt and behave normally. But, as a rule, the sociopath himself is satisfied with everything, and he does not think about other people, precisely in view of his peculiarities of brain development. Sociopaths can very often achieve success in business, or in those matters where they need to “beat” other people, because they do not care about their feelings, then they can betray at any moment, cause pain, for their own benefit and for them this will be completely normal. In a relationship, in the same way, a sociopath does not care about the feelings of his other half, and without any framework and restrictions can use the entire spectrum of psychological violence. A sociopath is in a relationship to satisfy his own needs and does not care about other people whom he uses to achieve his goals. And the third option, perhaps a person has artificially learned methods of manipulation andpsychological violence, based on books or any hellish courses and seminars that are written and taught by people who do not care at all about the consequences of these methods of influence on other people. I’ve seen enough videos like “women love bad boys”, “tell her something rude and she’ll be yours” and a lot of other interesting material. I’ll say right away that even if you master the techniques of manipulation and other violence, you will not be able to build happiness on this. Yes, you can find a “victim” for yourself and use it, but you cannot build love and a strong family on this. By your actions you simply break a person as an individual and commit a real moral crime. So think a hundred times before you deliberately use psychological violence. And how can you avoid violence? Very simple. The easiest and most reliable way to escape from psychological violence is to run away from the rapist. Leave him with nothing, get out of the victim position! But often it is not so easy to do this on your own, since as a result of prolonged violence against the victim’s psyche, many psychological problems arise that need to be recognized and action taken. After many years, freeing yourself from the influence of an abuser is not so easy, so it is difficult to do on your own; you may need the help of a competent specialist. First, you need to become independent from the rapist, get a divorce or leave, change your place of residence. If you have common children, the issue is more serious, but we can solve it. Try to resolve the communication issue peacefully, but if the violence extends to children, then you need to ensure that the abusive parent is deprived of the right to participate in raising the children! The child will be traumatized in any case, but his psyche will suffer much greater damage if the violence against him continues! With the help of a specialist and on your own, you will need to help the child survive this difficult period. Prevention is easier than cure, so you need to choose the person with whom you will have and raise children very carefully. We are ready to spend a long time choosing a car, watching reviews for hours, reading specifications, comparing prices, investing a lot in its purchase, but we have trouble building relationships. For some reason, we think that everything will work out on its own, without our direct participation, all we have to do is meet that one or that one, experience the feelings and everything will be like in a fairy tale... no matter how wrong it is! You also need to be able to build relationships! Read books, listen to lectures, look at examples of properly built relationships, just as carefully as we choose a car or an apartment. And you need to invest no less in these relationships! Can a rapist be reformed? No, you cannot correct anyone at all if the person himself does not want to change. On the other hand, if a person acted unconsciously, then realized that he was behaving badly, and decided to change for your sake, then you can help him with your support and together establish family relationships. But this can happen if a person has adopted a pattern of relationships from the past or has deliberately used mental violence; if a person is a sociopath or psychopath, he will not want to change. What to do to avoid falling into the clutches of a rapist? Learn to build relationships, do not get married and don’t move in with a person you don’t know well! Based on the fact that violence is gradually introduced into relationships, in order for the frog to jump out of the boiling water, enough time must pass before you begin to build a serious relationship with a person, you must get to know him, critically evaluate his behavior, observe how he behaves with other people . The periods of friendship and courtship should be long enough so that you can figure out who this person is and what to expect from him. If you don’t thoughtlessly throw yourself into a love pool, you will see how a person behaves in different situations and will be able to create a real portrait of him in your head. If from the very beginning you are in dreams that he is an ideal partner, you have been waiting for him all your life and now he is the prince, then!