Initial data: girl, 25 years old, wanting to build a relationship, but unable to get out of prolonged loneliness. Having examined her past, type of attachment, family system, we can reach a dead end, since the client almost always expects quick improvements from working with a psychologist. This is understandable, because we do not live in the past, but here - and - now, and if depressive thoughts do not let you sleep at night, then something needs to be done about them. In working with Olya, I used Robert Leahy’s step-by-step approach to reduce anxiety and gain optimism. Step 1. What does worry about the future give me? Worry, as you know, can be productive and unproductive. In the first case, for example, we can get lost, start to worry, then we take out a map and find the right route. In the second case, we ask a lot of “What if..?” questions. and we do nothing. Turning “mental chewing gum” into an actionable question: “What steps should I take to meet a man?” was not easy. Olga rejected all non-ideal “decisions” (sign up for couples dancing, register on a dating site, start communicating on interest forums, etc.). However, rejecting all alternatives because they are not ideal fails to find a solution in principle. We decided that at first Olga would simply communicate more. In the form of a behavioral experiment, it was proposed to enter into dialogue with men every day (at work, in a store, on the street) and talk with them on any topic (weather, time, orientation in the city, etc.). After 2 weeks, the client had a pen pal and felt better. Step 2. Accept your life and change it. “Okay. I'm alone. This is true. I do not like it. This is where I have to start” - this is how Olga’s acceptance of the situation in which she found herself looked in words. The thought of being alone is not her future. Therefore, at this stage we learned to distance ourselves from thoughts and accept uncertainty as a part of life. Then we had to ask 3 questions that motivate action: “What is my goal? What should I do to achieve it? Am I really ready for this? The last question is especially important because changes in life are always associated with discomfort. Is Olga ready to overcome laziness and reluctance to communicate with unfamiliar men every day? Gradually, she began to develop a new habit, even the goal of feeling out of her comfort zone and seeking out communication herself. Step 3. Challenge anxious thoughts. One way to be less susceptible to depressing thoughts is the well-known method of psychologists, “making a special time for worry.” It may seem stupid, but if you sit down for 2-3 weeks for 30 minutes a day and write about your anxiety, it will help a lot. Olga was asked to put off thoughts about terrible, hopeless loneliness until a special hour. This gave her more control over her anxiety. In addition, I asked her to come up with a story about the best case scenario. In it, she goes hiking in the mountains, meets a guy and discovers that they have a lot in common. They start dating and fall in love. On the other hand, it is useful to think about how you can cope with the worst possible outcome. What will happen if Olga remains alone and does not get married? This happens to millions of people, moreover, millions of people around the world choose this option of their own free will. Do they all live badly? How are they coping? Many of these people can lead rewarding and very interesting lives.Step 4: Find your deepest fearEvery person has a basic fear. Deep down, Olga considers herself an inferior person and thinks that any man would reject her if he got to know her better. That's why she avoids dating. In addition, she does not speak her mind because she is afraid that people will stop communicating with her. She often tries to please others and always tries to fill gaps in conversation. Deep beliefs are sohave grown into her personality that she does not even notice them. The belief in inferiority leads Olga to worry that she will not be able to compete with other women, they simply will not notice her. Dealing with the fear of being unnoticed and rejected is one of the most difficult things. We approached it and moved away again, using imagination and, at first, very simple behavioral experiments. These included: liking men on social networks, writing “Hi!” to a stranger, ask a man for help and others. Step 5. Don’t try to control the “illusory” We often fail in situations that we do not control. Olga cannot control when and where she will meet “her” man in the future. However, she can think about which life pleasures and benefits remain entirely under her control. It turned out that there are quite a lot of them: walks, fitness, communication with friends. But attempts to start a relationship with a colleague who took a passive position in communication only increased the client’s feeling of helplessness. Apparently, this was not part of his plans. I suggested that Olga regain control over the situation and abandon the meaningless goal of starting a relationship with someone who doesn’t want it. Step 6. Don’t fight emotions Mental “chewing gum” in the form of constant worry and bitter thoughts about the future often obscures the emotions that we need to live through. . When we worry, looking for a solution, we think, not feel. So, Olga’s consciousness was filled with cold, abstract thoughts about loneliness, but she never once imagined herself crying in an empty room. Fear turned out to be woven from thoughts, not even images. However, to get rid of the fear of being alone, you first need to truly feel it. In order not to avoid experiences, Olga was asked to write down her emotions in a special notebook. What did this give her? She became less and less afraid of melancholy states, which she previously “washed down” with alcohol and “egged” with sweets. In addition, she began to process her feelings and think about how she could solve the problem. Discounting emotions and emotional avoidance (for example, “I shouldn’t have these feelings”) often increase the level of general anxiety. This is when a person feels that he is not in able to bear reality. In addition, by running away from emotions, we cannot find out our real needs. Step 7. “Give it to me now, or I will die!” Olga is only 25 years old, but it seems to her that her youth “quickly flashed by” (many of her friends got married), and she needs to answer life’s challenge right now. As a result, she feels pressure, anxiety, loss of control, and becomes preoccupied with an uncertain future. Instead of asking herself: “What useful and good thing can I do right now?”, Olga looks at her friends’ wedding photos and gets upset. What can I learn here? Consciously step back from your thoughts and appreciate the moment. In the position of an observer, Olga can notice and describe her feelings (annoyance and disappointment from what did not happen to her), use metaphors (bitterness flows through me like a black river), notice how emotions respond in her body. Finally, she can look at what is happening around her, recording the colors and shapes of objects, sounds from the street. Neurotic anxiety almost always concerns what will happen in the future. Therefore, it is very important for Olga to learn to “get comfortable in the present.” Olga’s strongest and most inflexible attitudes are that she can never be happy on her own and will never get out of loneliness. Loneliness here is equated with unhappiness. Is it really? Are all the people (whom she knows personally) happy in their relationships or marriages? Is there loneliness within a relationship? Can people feel not alone without having a relationship?.. When raising these and other topics, a psychologist in the CBT approach should not forget about exposure - a behavioral experiment. In the case of Olga, it was contact with reality, through the tasks prescribed by me, that gave the most tangible.