A common situation. The mother of a girl with drug addiction comes to me. We are talking. The dialogue looks like this: - I don’t know what to do at all. She is young, beautiful, talented. Won a beauty contest in 9th grade. He has been learning English since he was 4 years old... And suddenly this... - What is this? What exactly does your daughter use? - Well, I don’t know. Well, you know... - Salt? Amphetamine? Heroin? - Well, what are you talking about! She's not like that! It's just that we found her in the bathroom, she didn't know how to get out. And so, this is pampering, it’s not even drugs. We worry about her. - Who are we? - Me and my husband. My other children. - Have you already done something about this? - No, what can we do. So, I decided to call you. Take her to therapy, I’ll pay you myself.***CURTAIN***There is an unspoken rule: We work with the one who applied! In this situation, you need to work with the mother, with her denial, fears, experiences, boundaries. Self-help groups are a great help, in which, perhaps the most valuable thing is that a person is in a circle of equals - sisters to solve the problem. A person understands that he is not alone, that he is not alone against the whole world, that there is support and sympathy, and that THERE IS A SOLUTION! What is actually happening in this family? The mother, shocked by her daughter’s addiction, becomes completely involved in this problem. Stops paying due attention to her husband and other children, we need to save the child!!! - a good slogan with which she pesters all her friends and acquaintances, because she is looking for a way out for her child, and for a second she is already over 18. Friends and distant relatives quickly get tired of this and they limit communication with this lady. The husband and other children have nowhere to go; they live together, for now anyway. The mother is exhausted, and the whole family, not only is the relative in trouble (and I’m scared for her, and valuable things have begun to disappear), but also the mother is in an eternal search for healing, it’s a pity that it’s not for herself. I will not write here about tough love, there is a whole brochure about it, which I will send to PM upon request. I want to say only one thing: TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF and those around you - your sober relatives - this is the BEST HELP for your child! Engage in your recovery from codependency through work with a specialist (write a PM) or group work, or better yet, both. What happens when such a mother begins to recover and gets on with her life? First, the whole family gets screwed. It’s clear that mom has different reactions, mom clearly defines the boundary of personal space, mom uses tough love... No one will like this. Usually, dependent families live according to well-worn scenarios: the mother complains to everyone that her gold chain and her daughter have disappeared, she yells at the household that they didn’t notice, everyone walks around dejected. Three days later he begins calling the police, morgues and hospitals in search of his daughter, and again yells at the household that they are not looking well. Then the daughter appears and screams again - where has she been, a thief, etc. Household members have their own benefit in this process. Yes Yes! While mom is running back and forth, you can do whatever you want. Dad to the guys' garage or fishing, or even to another lady. He, of course, will later be accused of coldness and cruelty towards his daughter, but this can be survived for his own benefit. The children also leave the house; their mother has no time for them. Sometimes they are burdened with household responsibilities, but they can live with this, the main thing is to get away from the control of their mother, who, thank God, has something to do. Thus, IT IS NOT BENEFITABLE FOR THE SYSTEM TO CHANGE! Now imagine, my mother went to a specialist, cried, and spoke out. Kneaded anger into dough. Fear in shredded cabbage. There is a fragrant pie on the table. Mom smiles and invites you to the table. Dad's plans for a farm, a garage and a lady collapsed. The children's plans include virtual games and private parties too. We need to go to the kitchen to drink tea and pie and learn to talk about something other than my sister, because my mother told her daughter that she wouldn’t let her home again until she wants to get better. This is a turnaround. And mom keeps chattering about the weather, knitted sweaters and new recipes. And then he asks, how was your day? ♥