From the author: The article reveals questions about what it means to put yourself first in your life. In it you will understand: - what hierarchy is in life in relationships and why it will not help us and is even harmful for building happy relationships; - what it means to become a “cause” of what is happening in your life, and what it means to be a “consequence”. Let’s not stepping on the most beloved, and therefore also the most painful, rake. Read the article, ask questions. The topic is very important. It's about you. What does it mean to put yourself first? Who is more important than whom? What does it really mean to put yourself first in your life?HIERARCHYLet's start with hierarchy. What is it and why does it not always help us in the question of who or what is more important? Hierarchy is when someone or something is higher in importance, and someone or something is lower. For this we usually use some criteria - who I will put higher and who lower; what is more important to me in life, what is less. Hierarchy is when one thing is more important now, for example, writing this article, and another, for example, washing the dishes, is less important. But let’s think about what we will end up with if we use such a hierarchical system. This system is guaranteed to have: - Unstable self-esteem , when for one you are a slave (I look from bottom to top), and for another you are a tyrant (I look from top to bottom). - When a gentleman has a “beloved wife”, today it may be you, and tomorrow another... - When work comes to the fore, and relationships, love, life take a back seat... Etc. And here is ours example with dishes. Is it really not important to wash it? Let's think about it. When the dishes accumulate, it will be impossible to get to the desktop, to the laptop... There will be no understanding of where and what is useful in the house, under this pile of garbage... After all, all this was not important for some reason time... Your husband came home from work tired, and there is no place for him in the house... Everything is occupied by dirty dishes... You run to wash and clean everything... And he wants to be with you, but he sees your back, at best case :) for cleaning... And he goes about his business... You are free by 12:00 at night - tired, angry, broken... The husband went to bed, and you lie down next to him, thinking how unfair this world is, how much worries on you... And he thinks that you are always busy... You don’t “see each other”, living in the same space for years... This is the result of hierarchical thinking. You have to put out fires all the time. In essence, this is the psychology of “survival”, but not life. Psychology of "slave-tyrant", but not equal relationships. Psychology, when I am more important than you - I come first! And you are so-so... Putting yourself first does not mean being above someone or above someone's needs. Putting relationships first does not mean pushing yourself into the background. Everything is important. And relationships, and me, and dishes, and you, and this article... and the one who reads it. After all, I am writing it, I hope not into emptiness. And a cat, and a husband, children, and bills paid on time... At some point, if we consider something unimportant, then this little thing can come back to haunt us in some big problem. There is a wonderful verse by S. Marshak , which perfectly describes the essence of hierarchical relationships: There was no nail - the Horseshoe was missing. There was no horseshoe - the Horse was lame. The horse went lame - Commander Killed. The cavalry is defeated - the Army is fleeing. The enemy enters the city, sparing no prisoners, because there was no nail in the forge. No nail - no army. And who then is more important in this case? Commander, cavalry, army, nail?... Commander's wife, children... tame hamster:) Correct answer: everyone is equally important. How to achieve this? Try not to miss even the slightest "signals" - events, people, relationships, things, things that come into your life. All incoming traffic is important. No trifles! This means there is no hierarchy. This is hard to come by. But we have an ideal to which we can strive. Let's return to self-love. While we have not yet reached self-love, the “hierarchy” really works at first. Hierarchy is when my needs are more important than yours. But!