Once a client and I were figuring out why passion and love fade away with each new partner, even if in all respects this partner is ideal. And I came to an interesting (and obvious?) conclusion: each of us has a map or inner guide for loving relationships. The right question is enough: what periods do you think love relationships consist of? It turned out that only the beginning of the route was marked on her map - primary love, wildly decorated with adrenaline and other hormones. And if science already knows that this primary hormonal stage quickly fades away, love and attraction faded away in the same way in all her relationships. Either her parents, or our society itself, did not write down options for continuing the route that had so famously begun in the map of her psyche! And there is a further path: the ideal development of a couple. The path is like climbing together to the top of the world - walking and belaying. This luxurious metaphor fits not only everything known about the temperaments in a couple (leader, follower), but also the very stages of the ideal development of love and marriage. Why in the form of an ascent? Yes, simply because true love is designed to develop both of you and ensure growth (preferably not so much in breadth as upward - above yourself). Otherwise, it’s just the two of you in solitary confinement for decades! Stage 1: The path of passion New values: you have a loved one Refuse: freedom and tranquility For the sake of: the body of another in sex Climbing to the pinnacle of love begins with a hormonal surge - the same one with which my client ended all the information about the development of relationships. This is the period when you are thrown at each other, and fantasy overcomes reason. The intoxication of passion is so strong that you can even fall in love with an absolute scumbag who is unsuitable for a relationship. In general, neither in relationships nor in sex during this period do you really see or know your partner, but only experience a lot of buzz and gratitude for the storm of hormones that he causes in you. The main goal of your body’s hormonal factory is is procreation! He doesn’t seem to need the continued existence of the couple - so the hormones subside. Or the body understands that your partner knows about condoms - so we extinguish the hormonal high and go in search of another speedy successor! Stage 2: Acceptance of rules and principles New values: common future Give up: drug passion For the sake of: learning the character of another With children or without it, the hormonal intoxication of passion begins to fade over time. Do you want to continue climbing to the top with the same partner, and not start all over again? Because a relationship crisis is a section of the path where you are simply lost and don’t know where to go! Only if the map is complete and correct will you never get lost. The path of passion ended in addiction and that's normal. Previously, you could do it all night, but now you want to do it 2-3 times a week. The further development of the couple lies through the joint construction of the rules and principles of love and sex. It’s even good that by this time the hormones free up the mind, because you will have to learn to talk with your partner and negotiate! First of all, the main thing is not to fake it and be ready to bare not only your hips, but also your souls to each other (otherwise it’s easier for us to just “give” than to give your phone number for the future). I’ll just indicate what you should agree that the end of hormonal love does not become the end of the relationship. But I will outline it in general, since questions on each of the points are the topic of a separate article, or individual therapy. After all, rules and principles are built brick by brick, and some people know how to sculpt and burn these bricks smoothly, while others don’t. What rules and principles will be used to build a bridge over the abyss of the crisis of the extinction of primary passion? So, the main thing that is worth agreeing on: - sex in your couple should not only serve as an escape from boredom (because all the theaters were closed - let's have sex). Should notto be emasculated to the state of routine correction of need. This will simplify it and completely kill the desire. Your sex is no longer an explosion of hormones, but becoming a log in bed is not the best way to keep the fire burning in the family hearth! You must learn not only to practice, but also to communicate about sex. Because over time, preferences and tastes change, and if partners do not learn to communicate this, both will remain unsatisfied! - You are a couple and during the day you must exchange information about what happened in each of your lives while you were apart. Even if you don't care about each other's work. General gossip and news will allow you to maintain intimacy, despite the fact that society seems to require spouses to spend most of their time in separate offices! Otherwise, you will move away, get lost in the darkness of everyday life, and, despite the safety rope of marriage, someone will again slip to the first level: start an affair in order to again feel, even if only hormonal, community and intimacy - to agree on each other’s roles in your life. union Who takes out the trash, who makes money, etc. About the whole repertoire. Not according to the either/or principle, but both/and. Otherwise, your marriage will be a constant educational work not only in relation to children, but also to each other. Perhaps, even as a sign of trust, you will take on official marital obligations (or are you ready to entrust your body to another, but not the common property...?) Having built the road not from limiting, but from developing rules and principles, you will be able to continue your joint ascent to the top love. Oh yes, don’t forget to agree on how you will swear (what boundaries should not be crossed and a stop sign). Because the ideal relationships are not those in which there are no quarrels - this is inevitable - but those that know how to cope with them without destroying each other, but as if even playfully! Stage 3: Experiments and discoveries New values: general development Refuse: fears , shame and embarrassment For the sake of: knowing yourself and others This is the time when you want and can and on time! If you have built effective rules and principles of union, your sex will get a second wind! Because you can allow each other to experiment - you are no longer just fascinated by your partner, but you are also open enough to him that, say, you can trust not only your hand and heart, but also your butt! And here you don’t need (and don’t want) any more hormonal intoxication - here both of you are captured by a research interest. This stage is also a test of the previously accepted rules and principles. If they were built successfully, then relying on sex as a means of self-knowledge justifies itself, and you turn into two gourmets. Marriage becomes a real depravity of your entire sex life. Only in marriage, only after a few years do two people open up to each other enough to try things in sex that they would never dare to offer to an unfamiliar partner. Stage 4: ascension to the top New values: discovery of a new world Refuse from: vanity and everyday goals B please: discovering your eternity and Essence. The closer to the cherished peak, the more snow and cold. The body becomes numb and it becomes more and more difficult to rise higher. The bodies of spouses do not become younger over the years, and what was previously allowed becomes less accessible every year. There is a feeling of coolness in the bed. This is provided by nature itself: by a certain age, women and men begin to experience a decrease in libido. No, even after menopause, sex does not disappear without a trace (at least with those means of intimate therapy that exist today), but it seems to fade more and more into the background. And this is normal: before, attraction made room for the construction of rules and principles, now The time has come to free up some more space. For what? Every year physicality gives way to spirituality. As you age, you become more and more interested in the highest levels of meaning in all significant areas of life. If both spouses were really close, did not stray from the common path all this time, then they are like two trees..