From the author: One of my philosophically minded acquaintances once said a sacred phrase: “The best way to win an argument is not to enter into it.” “Wow!” - skeptics may say, “Then the best way to knock out your opponent is to not enter the ring at all.” In general, yes, if you perceive any process of getting out of a conflict situation as a boxing match, then you don’t need to read this article further, because a separate one will be written about tough negotiations. Now we will talk about how to quite peacefully and constructively analyze the claims that a person with whom you would really like to present may not quarrel, as they say, “in the trash,” but find a solution that involves further peaceful coexistence, both in business and and in my personal life. So, let's begin. How to respond to complaints One of my philosophically minded acquaintances once said a sacred phrase: “The best way to win an argument is not to enter into it.” “Wow!” - skeptics may say, “Then the best way to knock out your opponent is to not enter the ring at all.” In general, yes, if you perceive any process of getting out of a conflict situation as a boxing match, then you don’t need to read this article further, because a separate one will be written about tough negotiations. Now we will talk about how to quite peacefully and constructively analyze the claims that a person with whom you would really like to present may not quarrel, as they say, “in the trash,” but find a solution that involves further peaceful coexistence, both in business and in personal life. So, let's begin. The first reaction to the “assault”, to the complaint made. What is it like most often? The sense of justice bubbles and boils. The first desire is to justify yourself, to declare the objectivity of the reasons and your own innocence. What is the response to an attempt to justify oneself - even greater attack and new emotions. This is understandable, because when you “justify yourself,” you say: “You, my friend, are wrong, in reality everything is different than you think.” This is the minimum. But by and large, if you make excuses in response to “feedback” from an adult and reasonable person, then by doing so you are implicitly declaring him an idiot who does not understand how things really are. Well, no one considers themselves to be such, so events in the future develop accordingly. So. If the goal is to find a mutually acceptable solution and maintain a decent relationship, then it is worth talking, first of all, about the first emotional reaction and how to build a conversation. What to do with emotions? We would not talk about emotions in general, because in our opinion they are needed in all kinds and different. In the case, of course, when each of them is “attached to the right place”, to the right one. However, something else happens. A person will do such a thing in the heat of the moment that it will be scary to remember for a couple of days. “I wasn’t myself,” he says. No wonder they say that a person “boils.” And every emotional outburst begins somewhere, just as the boiling of a kettle begins with white bubbles, sometimes very accurately called the “white key.” That is, the key that starts the entire subsequent boiling process. Therefore, in what we will talk about next, the skill of tracking this internal key, which triggers all subsequent reactions of emotional “boil”, is very important. Experts in managing emotions call such a key a trigger. What could a trigger be? “I took my breath away,” “I felt a lump in my throat,” “I felt feverish”—familiar formulations? These are exactly the keys we are talking about. Learning to notice them is the first step. Let's take it in order. “Six-move” The first method, time-tested and in different situations. 1) We notice that we are starting to “boil.” We catch this first sensation - a trigger. 2) A sharp and powerful exhalation. It’s as if we are energetically exhaling this feeling from ourselves. And let it jump out, crumble into pieces, fly deep into the ground, where it will burn out and be transformed. 3) And now we quickly remember something very pleasant, associated with calm and comfort. We are transported by the power of thoughtsomewhere where we felt (and will still be) very good and pleasant. For example, a favorite vacation spot or other pleasant memory. 4) We notice within ourselves these new sensations that have replaced the previous ones. How do we feel this comfort: warmth in the chest, relaxation in the muscles, something else? We celebrate them with pleasure. 5) We come up with a word associated for us with this place and this comfort. It doesn’t matter how it might be written (we’re not writing a book at this moment), what’s important is that it sounds similar. If this is a sunny beach, then maybe the word “danceshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshsh” will appear. You say it and see how a wave rolls onto the shore, carefully rolling over the pebbles. Or you say “mooooore”, and now it’s as if you inhale this alluring aroma deeply. Or “lesssss” - the fragrant fluffy spruce trees rustle. It is not at all necessary to say this word out loud - a new key. It’s enough to let it sound inside.6) Great. And now we return to reality, we already see the face of our interlocutor, or hear his voice on the phone. But here’s the trick: at the same time we pronounce our “secret” word “dance”. And we celebrate our new state. As befits a normal six-step, there is also a seventh step. 7) We rejoice in how we can control our emotional reactions. Of course, we need to train to bring it to automaticity. What would you think? Remember how you learned to ride a bicycle. When switching to an automatic skill, the entire execution takes a few seconds. “Scuba divers are not a game” There is another way. It takes a little longer. So what? But there is time to think. The method is known to one degree or another to Indian yogis, deep-sea scuba divers, and specialists in modern NLP. Often called “square” breathing. Well, it’s square not because it changes the shape of the chest (although, admittedly, in swimmers and scuba divers it is wide), but because it consists of four phases of approximately equal duration. So. 1) Breathe in. Deeply and powerfully. We held our breath for four seconds.2) No matter how deeply we inhale, there is room for another half a cubic centimeter, so we “inhale” sharply until our lungs are completely full, and then slowly release all the air over the same four seconds.3 ) Now we hold our breath as we exhale. Without air, or almost without it, four seconds.4) You say, everyone exhaled completely? It doesn't happen that way. Therefore, we quickly “exhale” all the remaining air that accidentally remained there and again in four seconds we fill our lungs full. 5) We note how our state changes already within this cycle. Here is such a method. We can use it, of course, when you have a little time to “come to your senses.” But such exercises are not very noticeable from the outside; you don’t have to wave your hands. You don't have to go anywhere. At first, several cycles may be required; once you have developed dexterity, the first part—a deep breath—is sufficient. How and why does it work? A physiologist I know claims that with this type of breathing, the “vagus nerve”, the vagus, is stimulated in the area of ​​the diaphragm, which takes part in many reflex reactions. Well, what difference does it make to us. It works, and it’s good! What are we saying? How do we speak? So, we’ve dealt with our emotions, it’s time to think about the state of our interlocutor. Everything people do has a purpose. Sometimes they say “positive intention”. That is, no matter how ugly a person makes a scandal or hits her, he thereby does something useful for himself. Well, he just doesn’t find other ways in this situation and at this time. Now, if a person is making noise, or even just being boring, persistently demanding that you answer his claim, then what does he want? Yes, I understand that he wants to understand the essence of the issue, this is logic. And on an emotional, universal level? Well, he called. Well, he repeats it. And maybe even “boils.” What does he want? Yes, very simple. So that he can hear him. We heard her say what was happening. Literally signals his emotions. It’s so important that we are heard. 1) We pronounce the emotion of the interlocutor. Communications SpecialistsThey like to say that different people have similar facial expressions and intonations at different times to indicate very different emotions, and before “reading minds” it is necessary to find out the individual characteristics of a person. By and large, this is very correct, but there is a small trick to it. People who live in the same society express most of their emotions quite similarly. Common culture, common habits and rules of behavior - this really allows us to generalize. Well, besides, often our interlocutor directly tells us something important about himself: “outrageous,” “unfair,” “you can’t even imagine how upset you were.” Did you notice? Did you hear? Then immediately say that the person has been heard and his lively reaction has been accepted: “I understand that you are outraged,” “Yes, this is really unfair,” “I see that you are angry.” Just don’t mix it up and throw everything into a heap. If they clearly tell you about their indignation, then the support “you are upset” may cause the opposite reaction. A person needs to express his noble anger, and you express some kind of “disorder”. It turns out to be nonsense. Therefore, we listen carefully to what the person is saying and recognize his right to any emotion. If you don’t understand what an emotion is, call it “reaction.” Well, let’s say “if I were you, I would react the same way.” It’s important to say one more thing here. Now you recognize as correct not the formal requirements (more on them later), but the right of your partner to experience any emotion, to react in the sense of a human being openly, and not “to the floor.” 2) We expand the focus of attention. The emotion was heard, the interlocutor was recognized, and they spoke about it. Now you can cool down. We heard how the person reacted to your acceptance. If an emotion is recognized and heard, there is no point in repeating attempts to convey it. Therefore, already at this stage you can pay attention to how the interlocutor’s state has changed. How his intonation, timbre and volume of voice changed. Facial expression if this is a personal communication. Well, that means it's time to cool off. “Big things are seen from a distance,” says popular wisdom. Why didn’t you think about it? Because it becomes small. Like step away, but not with steps or physically. Very often, a conflict flares up because both participants seem to have “tunnel vision,” their focus narrows to the size of one situation and they do not notice anything around them. Use words to express a broader point of view. While agreeing with the importance of the moment, show that this situation is just one of many similar ones. “Indeed, such cases do occur,” “Yes, this still happens now,” “Sometimes we make mistakes.” And immediately proceed to the next step. 3) Pronounce the logical connective. And... and... and... Well, it’s literally “and”, or perhaps “that’s why” or “in this way.” Logical link to move to the next point. People tend to connect all events into cause-and-effect relationships. If suddenly something happens for which there is no explanation, a person does not feel completely comfortable, and the brain intensively searches for any connection with other phenomena. And he finds it, and when he finds it, he calms down. Remember: “the weather is clear because we took umbrellas,” “my neighbor and I washed our cars, that’s why it started raining”? In fact, most of the cause-and-effect explanations are not in the real world, but in our heads. And in our speech, the words mentioned above play a role. Therefore, any such connection will make Vasherech smooth and logical.4) We offer a joint search for a solution. Why joint? Firstly, this leads to the fact that in conversation the word “we” is often used instead of “I” or “You”. Speech is a very powerful tool for managing relationships. When “we”, then the goals and values ​​are common. It unites. And, secondly, it shares responsibility for the solutions found. If you start offering various solutions in a continuous stream, then this is a good way to shift all responsibility onto yourself. The position “You need it, you think it” - shift it to your partner. The general search is us. And this is an addition of effort, at a minimum. But in fact, two is always more than just “two plus two.” So.