How to stop scolding and punishing yourself? Let me tell you, this is one of the most common requests in counseling! Sometimes we “reach out” to him through fears. “I’m afraid of not pleasing people,” “I’m afraid of making a mistake at work.” I ask, what is the reason, what will happen if you are not pleased, if you make a mistake? And the person answers that he feels very bad. I ask, is someone criticizing you or punishing you? No. I myself (most of the applicants are girls, apparently the guys are ashamed to tell a psychologist about their experiences, probably unmanly, it’s better to carry it inside yourself for years...). And then the question is formulated: how can I stop scolding and punishing myself?! One young man formulated: “Svetlana, I’m shitting myself.” In this article you will find out the answer to the question “How to stop scolding and punishing yourself.” But first, let's explore a little where the wind is blowing. The exercise is written below under the appropriate heading. Where does the habit of scolding and punishing yourself come from? Of course, that’s what we were taught! If a parent values ​​a child and says good words, then he teaches the child to value himself and say good things to himself. And such a child is more likely to feel good about himself than one who has been praised a lot and undeservedly. This is a pattern. Yes, there are always exceptions. But not about that now. If a parent (mom or dad) often scolds a child, scolds him for something for which the child cannot be held responsible, then he is not just teaching the child to treat himself poorly. But also to be passive, helpless. Nasty words sit in the child’s head and soul. Even if he “doesn’t hear” them and “doesn’t notice”, alas. I won’t say that everything is so clear. If there is another adult who supports the child, then the child will learn to both scold and support himself. But the parents were not always toxic, but the person nevertheless has a very strong Inner Critic (IC). Otkedova?! It's simple. We learn not only from adults, but also from significant others. We learn new forms of behavior throughout our lives from all significant others. Consciously or not, on purpose or not, a lot or a little. And the prototypes of the Inner Critic could be a teacher who was always dissatisfied and believed that you cannot praise children, and giving them an “5” is tantamount to spoiling them. This could be the leader of a circle who was important to the child. It could also be classmates. Oh yes! How come I didn’t mention grandparents, aunts, uncles, sisters and brothers?! Of course, but of course! And even the prototype of VK can be a hero from a movie, learned stereotypes from TV... As you can see, there are countless sources. But still, mom and dad have the most important influence. Sometimes a psychologist asks: in whose voice do you scold yourself? Yes, people say: “To ours.” Yes, that's true and that's not true. We get so used to this voice that we accept it as our own. If you are from the category of people who believe that VK is their native part of the soul, that it has always been like this, then I will ask you to remember yourself in early childhood. Here you are at 10, are you scolding yourself? You are 9, what about now? What is the earliest age you remember? At that age, do you also scold yourself? Now practice. How to stop scolding and punishing yourself So, the very first step is realizing that the Inner Critic is not something you were born with. You were born with arms and legs. The brain and internal organs, but you didn’t have VC at birth. It appeared later. And after you have looked at VK as something that does not belong to you, you can do this. Imagine the Inner Critic in front of you. Let him speak. And then say something like this: “I’ve been listening to you all my life. You constantly criticize and humiliate me. You tell me nasty things. You slow down my business, dissuade me from doing something, starting something, you whisper to me that I have It won’t work. That it’s better for me not to start. That I can’t be liked by anyone, because there’s a defect in me. And that people won’t want to deal with me if they find out what I’m really like. But all my life I’m telling you this. I don't want to listen to you anymore!?