As I wrote earlier, there are three positions of our life: Three positions: dependence; independence; interdependence. All stages and positions occur and exist in natural harmony with each other, subject to “healthy” and favorable circumstances; positive past experiences (from childhood, primarily) and well-developed self-awareness and reflection. Previously, I often wrote about codependency - since this phenomenon was of not only professional interest to me, but was (and, perhaps, will always be) colored by a personal motive for it and self-study. Today I will begin to write about another, polar phenomenon of codependency - counterdependence. The reason for the emergence of this kind of phenomenon is associated with loss, loss (even on an emotional level) of someone close or extremely necessary person. Just as in the case of codependent manifestations, the center of the conflict will be the fear of loss, but the strategy for coping with this threat will be different. The codependent tries to merge with the important figure eluding him, ensuring this contact for himself. On the contrary, the counterdependent, in order to avoid loss, either stops contact or enters into it, but does not move to a deep qualitative level. If there is no deep contact, then there is essentially nothing to lose. A preventive defense strategy is one of the main “weapons” of a person with counterdependent manifestations. Weak responses to deep contact; long, slow entry into close relationships; manifestation of excessive self-sufficiency - all this is not done in order to offend a partner or other loved one; a counterdependent person behaves this way in the name of his own self-preservation from a hypothetical loss/loss. Moreover, the imagination can easily draw pictures of loss or bereavement even in situations where this is physically impossible. This fear (experienced on an emotional level in childhood) quickly grows into habits such as: - trying to hide your feelings from others; - trying to always “look good” » in the eyes of others - distrusting the motives of other people - a sense of victimhood - the inability to ask for help when needed - the inability to tolerate feelings of disappointment that responded with anger or rage - having little understanding of the feelings and needs of other people - sexually - or multiple sexual relationships (not leading to real emotional intimacy); or extremely impenetrable boundaries of sexual relationships (fear of crossing the “line” and giving the relationship the color of emotional depth). Of course, as in the case of codependent manifestations, each habits and patterns will be individual and flexible. And of course they will have their own intensity. Meaning and depth. Moreover, I would like to add that, as in the case of a merger, the ability to do this is important for mutual enrichment, and with the ability to leave contact and return to oneself, the ability to do this is important in order not to lose self-identity. The problem begins not only when a person cannot/is afraid to enter into contact or deep contact, but when he gets stuck in an independent position so deeply and for a long time that he deprives himself of close relationships. In the words of Ilse Sand; “When we avoid close relationships that can be built on love, we thereby save ourselves from the risk of the most significant losses.” And of course, sometimes it is important to be able to avoid someone or something without feeling fear or guilt or shame. However, while the codependent deprives himself of meeting himself, the counterdependent deprives himself of meeting other people who can take an important place in his life; Moreover, she/he deprives herself of the same opportunity - to be truly close. Sincerely your proactive Gestalt psychologist Alexey Ermolov To sign up for a session wa 8(926)357-11-21