One after another, immersion in experiences, in feelings that were repressed during the trauma... I came to the realization of the state of suffering. Suffering as a deep motive, as something fundamental in the entire search for meaning and desires. Aching pain, melancholy, loneliness that suddenly surged subtly, piercingly, to the point of tears and devastation of other feelings other than suffering. The high from suffering was realized a little later, when, after saying “hello” to two of her friends, she began to write about her experience. It seems like I shared it, but... sublimity and notes of solemnity, and some kind of fucking self-praise that I can feel “like that” ran through it all... Pleasure from suffering is the integration of opposite principles, and the dead end of one and the other in one life ...Irony, self-irony - as a way out of this state, humor and actions, specific actions. I started doing something around the house, reading something, writing something, getting out of my condition. But how beckoning suffering is, how sweet it is, how attractive. It turned out that there is even a person in the phone book who will always support this state in me. Who will share his suffering. I wanted to call him... Later, when I experienced the thrill of suffering, I realized that I shouldn’t do this. This person is precisely for “suffering”; if I want to go further into what lies behind suffering, then this person is a guardian of this further and as an experience of the past - you can always check with him by calling how long I have been “suffering like this” I observe myself, my thoughts and feelings, and am filled with new states that were not available in suffering. How deep this delusion is, and the substitution of other meanings in our minds is programmed for suffering, for some reason for nothing else. Suffering absorbs everything and devalues ​​it - happiness, joy, lightness, everything. Suffering suddenly becomes the most important thing... I decided to explore this aspect of “ideality” in myself. And on October 16, 17, I invite you, dear friends, to explore suffering as a huge block that is energy-consuming, tasty, voluptuous, making us exceptional and “highly spiritual” people who do not feel other feelings.