"How to learn to calmly enter into conflict. Really calm, constructive. I have two extremes. Either I get very angry, lose my temper, get upset. Or I feel like a confused little child and avoid conflict. I want to learn how to resist, defend my point of view intelligently and constructively, how and where to start. Thank you.” I received this question in a personal message. I want to answer it here. When we remain silent about what we disagree with, instead of expressing our feelings and thoughts, we accumulate negativity within ourselves. It happens that with the best intentions, so as not to offend a person, we hush up the really important moments for us. Time after time, by stepping over ourselves, we thereby destroy ourselves from the inside (psychosomatics should not be written off). And it’s a matter of time before this dam breaks and you will be covered by a wave of everything that has been kept silent. There is no need to hoard things that you don't agree with. Another point is that something similar to lying happens when we don't express our thoughts. Outwardly we make it clear that we seem to agree, but in fact we do not have internal agreement. And this “lie”, understatement continues to grow like a snowball. And at some point we may discover a complete lack of mutual understanding. How to constructively conflict in order to preserve relationships? There are several important points here. If you say in a conversation: “I have an opinion, and it is the only correct one,” then there will be no constructiveness. You are more likely to focus on proving that you are right. If relationships are important to you, then it is more useful to come to a solution that more or less suits both parties. You can change your perception of the situation. And the emphasis is not on confrontation, but on active discussion, the desire to find out the point of view of another. It is useful to keep in mind the idea that it is important for you to maintain normal relations with your opponent. If this is really the case, and there is no purpose to quarrel. It is better to talk about yourself, not about another person. Not “you’re talking nonsense”, but “I think so...”. If your interlocutor says that he does not agree with you, that this is nonsense, etc. Say something like this: “This is my opinion, you may not agree, but let me speak without interrupting. When you speak, I will not interrupt you either.” Let the other person speak, show respect. For example: “I value our relationship, I want us to find a solution. It is important for me to know what you think about this.” To feel more confident, straighten your shoulders, put your feet on the ground, feel stable. Breathe calmly, don't hold your breath. If the conflict is just to let off steam, then this is not the best way. In this case, sport is more useful. If a family conflict boils down to telling who ruined the best years for whom, then it is more useful to go to family psychological consultation to work with this circumstance. Because with such an attitude there will be no constructiveness. If there is physical aggression on the part of your opponent, leave his company. If this is not possible, call the police. I wish you constructive dialogues that will improve mutual understanding! Sincerely, Psychologist, family psychologist, Lyudmila Firsova