Surely, many are familiar with the saying “They carry water on the offended” or its variations. Do you remember how offensive it was when they “finished off” from above with this phrase? A very unpleasant feeling. By this phrase, the speaker actually means one of the following meanings, or a combination of them: 1) Your feelings about the situation are not significant, I don’t need them; 2) The reason for your offense is a trifle, and you react inappropriately ;3) By being offended, you load yourself with a heavy burden of resentment, like a water carrier loads itself with water, and you suffer from it. The first two meanings are toxic and manipulative. They are not about you. They are about the fact that a person is not able to bear your state of resentment, and is trying to do something to make you stop showing this emotion. There is a grain of truth in the third meaning, but let's figure it out - what is Resentment in general? Resentment is a sensory reaction at the discrepancy between our expectations and reality. We are offended when another person (or group) behaves towards us differently than we are used to, or as we expect - otherwise, worse. That is, the more expectations, the brighter our desires - the stronger the resentment will be. And, of course, the most expectations and desires arise in relationships with the closest people - partners, parents, children. Resentment is felt especially acutely if expectations are further reinforced - by promises, agreements, our previous experience. If a feeling of resentment towards situations, specific people or organizations arises regularly, this is a signal that your expectations systematically diverge from reality. There are two main options , which in the end often come to the same result, and at first can cause internal protest: 1) Perhaps it is worth reconsidering your own views on a person, a situation, a relationship. How adequate are my expectations in this situation? What are they based on?;2) Perhaps you are unconsciously (and this is important!) doing something that over and over again leads you to feelings of resentment. This could be a thought, your reaction, or even the choice of a partner for a relationship. Why is a good question to ask yourself, and often “excavations” require the help of a psychologist or hypnologist. Resentment is a dangerous and toxic feeling! Resentment often replaces the healthy emotion of anger and irritation. What is the difference? Anger is an active state. Anger encourages us to defend our interests, boundaries, and is aimed at restoring an internal sense of justice and balance in the situation. For example, if at the checkout in a store we were punched for an item that was 3 times more expensive than indicated on the price tag, we may get angry and demand that the item be punched the indicated price, leave an unflattering review in the book of complaints and suggestions, and express our dissatisfaction in other ways. Resentment is a passive and serious state, as if it is eating away at you from the inside. Who is it aimed at first? That's right - on you. Often resentment is closely related to a feeling of self-pity. This feeling deprives us of support - instead of active actions, we feel powerless in front of the situation, inability to influence something. Resentment is not a constructive way to resolve the situation - on the contrary, it isolates us within ourselves, makes us weak, deprives us of strength and turns us into a Victim. Those who are familiar with the Karpman triangle already understand what I am talking about, however, I will explain: Resentment is one of the feelings, along with guilt and shame, that put us in an emotionally dependent state. An emotionally dependent person is easy to manipulate, and at the same time, he himself, often without realizing it, influences other people. This is how toxic feelings penetrate relationships between loved ones, attitudes towards oneself and the world. Sometimes life, the whole person, is so filled that it becomes unbearable. By becoming a Victim, we deprive ourselves of active energy and wait for a Savior who will fix our life for us - that is, we give control of our life to someone else. The persecutor (our offender) is appointed as the only one responsible for the situation, and this can be either another person (He is to blame for everything!), or ourselves (That’s all.