From the author: How to recognize codependency in yourself and in your loved ones. If your loved ones are addicted to gaming, drugs, alcohol, you should take a closer look at yourself and your condition. Codependency is characterized by constant concentration of your thoughts , feelings for someone (usually a dependent loved one), and being emotionally dependent on another person. Codependent people often abandon their needs to please other people, become inattentive to them, this is to some extent a denial of themselves, the inability to live by their own interests. Often because of this, there is a desire to control another person, to place high hopes on him, to desire in order for a person to behave the way he wants, which causes conflicts, unreliable relationships are built. It is worth highlighting the main characteristics of codependent people: 1) Low self-esteem - this is probably the most important characteristic on which many others rest. Having high self-esteem and a sense of self-worth, the wives of addicts would not allow themselves to be beaten or treated poorly. Although most likely they could not even think before the wedding that they would tolerate this. Low self-esteem allows them to enter into relationships that do not suit them, and remain in them, endure many problems in marriage, and remain faithful to those people who, perhaps, do not value it and do not deserve it. As a rule, in therapy they talk all the time about their partner, but find it difficult to say anything about themselves, or consider it unimportant. 2) The importance of assessing others. Codependents are very dependent on such assessments. They can allow themselves to be criticized, but they do not allow others to do this, and they are very sensitive about this. In such cases they become very aggressive. It is very difficult for them to take compliments personally, do not appropriate them, and often devalue themselves. They regret spending money on themselves and rarely allow themselves to have fun. All these attitudes come from childhood, and then are reproduced in their family. Often in therapy questions are asked: “How should I behave with him?” , “What should I do with my son, a drug addict?”, the words “I must”, “you must” are often used in the lexicon. 3) Self-denial. Is this why rejection of feelings occurs? in order to survive in the current environment at home, it’s like anesthesia, the desire to freeze your feelings, not to feel painful experiences. And to give up your feelings and emotions is to some extent to refuse to be yourself. In therapy, if you ask a codependent “what does he feel?”, the answer will often be “nothing”, or “I haven’t felt anything for a long time”, or “When I understand the state of the (addicted) person at home, then I will understand how I should feel.” 4) Protection from suffering. Codependents use different forms of defense. Most of all, of course, denial. They often ignore problems at home and pretend that nothing bad is happening. They think that tomorrow will be better, they tend to go to work or other activities so as not to think about the problematic situation. Denial allows codependents to protect themselves from difficult and painful truths, allowing them to live in a world of illusion. Codependents also deny the presence of signs in themselves that indicate their codependency, which makes it difficult to help them with their problems. It is often said that the problem is only in the addict. But according to statistics, if a codependent goes to a psychologist or to anonymous groups for treatment, then the dependent person is also more likely to come for treatment. 5) Shame. Codependents are often ashamed of their loved ones, their behavior, or their own behavior. This is a common cause of isolation; social ties, and sometimes family ones, are broken. The feeling of shame always appears at some point in life, although it is clear that the cause of a loved one’s illness is definitely not the cause of another person. Addicts often take advantage of this, blaming loved ones for the causes of their illnesses and shaming them. You can often hear from codependents, “It’s my fault that he was fired, I should have covered up his absenteeism at work,”.