In Russia, every second marriage ends in divorce, of which 40 percent break up in the first four years. Since I myself am the head of a young family, and am familiar with the problems that can arise in the first years of marriage, first-hand, it was extremely important for me to understand the causes of this problem, and ideally, to find certain patterns of problems arising in young families and methods for their overcoming. So, Mendelssohn’s march ended, and the young family’s life together began, and it seemed like nothing had changed, because Most couples getting married already live together and have a common household before marriage. In fact, it turned out that dramatic changes are taking place in the system in which the same people who previously bore the “titles” of bride and groom are members. Let's look at what is changing. Let's start with the “before the wedding” situation. Let's consider how both partners exchange energy between each other and with the environment. The diagram is presented in Figure 1. The characteristics of this situation are as follows: the man and woman who are preparing to become spouses have already established a fairly stable exchange of energy and attention, but at the same time a fairly large volume of relationships with the “outside world” remains. At this stage, both men and women have a large percentage of interests associated with the “space” outside the relationship with a partner. With marriage, the “energy pattern” (or pattern of relationships) of the system called a young family changes. It is presented in Figure 2 (the situation before the appearance of children is considered). During this period, a woman’s attention and interests (if the family is not formal) shift towards family and home, organizing everyday life, farming, etc. The number of “external connections” with the environment is noticeably reduced (here I mean real contacts, and not virtual communication on social networks). In this situation, the woman begins to focus on receiving more energy from the man than in the previous situation. The energy received from a man can manifest itself in the form of attention, gifts, money, items necessary for housekeeping, etc. For a man, in general, the “relationship pattern” remains similar to the “previous one.” However, the “content” changes somewhat. A man, on the one hand, is forced to pay more attention to a woman, because... this is required by the “new condition” of the spouse. On the other hand, to increase the amount of attention paid to the professional sphere and career, because joint expenses are growing, and something needs to “feed” a young family. In view of the fact that in the “modern” world a woman can earn good money on an equal basis with a man, and sometimes even surpass him in this, and many couples live together for several years , and marriage is a formality - the scheme of “relationships in marriage” may not differ much from the scheme “before marriage”. Some young families can thus overcome some of the problems at this stage, BUT! An extremely serious restructuring in energy exchange processes inevitably occurs when a child appears in the family. The diagram is presented in Figure 3. A woman is forced to spend almost all her free time and all her energy on the child, because a child (especially in the first year of life) has practically no other sources of energy. The woman minimizes “exchange” with the outside world and focuses almost all her attention on the child. In turn, the husband becomes the main “energy supplier” for his wife, the young mother. A man, in fact, becomes the breadwinner of the family, and the changes that are necessary for the harmonious existence of the family during the transition from the first scheme to the second (that is, from the “before the wedding” to the “after the wedding” scheme) when a child appears in his behavior should be more pronounced , unless of course he is interested in preserving the family. The “father of the family” has very little time left for the child, and caring for the child, for the most part, consists of helping his wife “serve the little man” (buy, bring, throw away, etc.). If the family has the opportunity to hire nanny or hireto caring for the child of grandparents, friends, girlfriends, etc. The “pattern” of energy exchange changes somewhat, but in general the essence remains the same. Based on these diagrams, let's look at the causes of problems in family relationships. In the situation of a “young family without children,” two main “sources” of the problem can be traced: 1. The amount of “energy” a woman receives from a man does not satisfy her. As a result, a woman may show her dissatisfaction in a hidden form. Usually these are claims, demands, scandals, “whims.” The main problem of young families in this situation is that the man pays attention not to the real problem, which can be formulated as follows: “THE WOMAN DOESN’T HAVE ENOUGH ENERGY RECEIVED FROM A MAN,” but to its external manifestations, which may not be directly related to it . As a result, misunderstandings and conflicts occur between spouses, which lead to an increase in the distance between them. In turn, this leads to a reduction in the flow of energy from man to woman. A woman may begin to try to compensate for the deficiency with “external sources”, which usually leads to worsening problems in the relationship between spouses, new scandals and, ultimately, to divorce.2. The pressure on the male psyche increases, because... on the one hand, he is forced to give attention to his family, on the other, in order to have something to give, he must intensively express himself in the external environment, achieve professional success, and increase the level of responsibility. This “restructuring” of one’s activities can be perceived very painfully, because requires a man to come to terms with new “inconveniences”, a reduction in time for passive rest, entertainment and increased “demands” for himself and his actions. The slogan of his life, “I live only for myself,” should at least change to “I live for myself and my family.” As practice shows, only about half of men are ready for this. The other half is trying to continue living in a new situation according to the “old” scheme (“before marriage”). When a child appears, the two sources of problems in family relationships described above persist and become more intense. The situation is aggravated by the fact that the woman periodically does not get enough sleep, which leads to a deterioration in her general physical well-being and, as a rule, to a decrease in the amount of attention paid to her husband. In turn, this can lead to grievances and claims against the wife from the husband, new conflicts, scandals and general dissatisfaction with family life on both sides. The third problem that may arise in a “new” situation is jealousy husband to wife, due to the fact that the wife pays more attention not to him, but to the child (“someone else”). This feeling is more unconscious and therefore, the claims that a husband makes to his wife are often only manifestations of this jealousy and do not reflect the actual “discontents” of the spouse. As a result, new misunderstandings and conflict situations arise. The fourth problem that can arise in a family when a child appears is the man’s subconscious “escape” from the “new” responsibility that has fallen on his head. This can manifest itself in an increase in social workload under the pretext - “Well, someone has to earn money,” and the emergence of new interests “outside the home.” As a rule, this problem degenerates over time into dissatisfaction with the amount of attention paid by the husband to his wife and the family as a whole. I assume that, based on these patterns, it is possible to identify about two dozen more reasons for the emergence of conflicts and misunderstandings in young families, and, as a result, divorces in the first years of marriage, but in this article we will limit ourselves to the above. RECOMMENDATIONS. Let's now, based on this scheme, consider the behavior patterns of men and women that will help avoid (or minimize) the occurrence of conflicts and misunderstandings, and as a result save the family. For men:1. When your wife begins to reproach you (especially if a.