It’s enough to watch a couple’s communication a little to understand how long people will be together or how soon they will separate. Experiment. Research by Sybil Carrere and John Gottman helps to understand how communication affects the stability of a couple. During the experiment, participants sort things out for 12 minutes. Surprisingly, in the first 3 minutes of a quarrel you can predict with up to 90% confidence whether they will break up or live happily together for many years. Scientists have identified three behavioral strategies that affect the stability of relationships in a couple: positive negative positive-minus-negative Based on the data obtained, scientists were able to accurately predict the development of relationships for a period of up to 6 years. Couples who separated expressed negative emotions in the first minutes of a quarrel: they blamed each other, did not want to make concessions and hear each other. These couples tried to hurt each other more painfully during the conversation. The couples who remained together experienced more positive emotions in the first minutes of the quarrel, were less irritated and did not neglect each other’s opinions. For these couples, it was important to listen to each other and try to find a solution. In stable couples, in the first minutes of communication, negative emotions are not clearly expressed, the desire to deal with the problem, humor, and a friendly attitude towards each other come to the fore. It is interesting that in stable couples, the wife is the first to begin discussing an unpleasant topic in a calm tone, complaining about the current situation. And in couples that eventually separate, the wives begin to criticize their husbands, scold their manner of resolving issues and blaming them for the problem. And the conversation ceases to be constructive. What is the reason for most quarrels and divorces? Scientists believe that a complaint does not deal a blow to a man’s pride: there is no criticism, no imposition of guilt and a man does not have to defend himself. Scientists noted that wives still set the general tone of the conversation; in most cases, it is up to them what emotions a man will experience, whether he will be ready for dialogue or whether he will prefer a scandal instead of normal communication. Photo by the author