From the author: Interview dated November 17, 2008 for open.by by Ekaterina Morgol “Every obstacle to love only strengthens it.” This is Shakespeare. Real life, unfortunately, is closer to prose. The euphoria of falling in love is often replaced by everyday routine, relationships between a man and a woman lose their former drive over the years, and not a single married couple is immune from betrayal, which seemed to be written only in Brazilian soaps. We talked about the difficulties and joys of relationships between a man and a woman with family psychologist, specialist in the field of systemic constellations, Diana Komlach. - Of course, pitfalls in partnerships are inevitable. I would like to know more about what is the secret of happiness in the relationship between a man and a woman. - I’ll start with the fact that each couple is a separate vessel. And there is no universal formula for happiness for absolutely everyone. But there are still some general points that are important for the well-being of any union. The first step to achieving harmony in a relationship is when one of the partners looks at the other and says to himself: I love you for who you are, with all your shortcomings and advantages. Anyone who tries to re-educate a partner makes a mistake. Unfortunately, there are a lot of such cases, especially from women: a woman takes on the role of a teacher, tries to teach her husband wisdom and eventually finds out about the betrayal. And this is not surprising: a man needs a woman, not a mommy. - What else can lead to conflict in a relationship? - There are two poles in the relationship between a man and a woman: autonomy and intimacy. It will be good for relationships if partners are moderately autonomous and moderately attached. Excessive autonomy leads to the fact that husband and wife become strangers: each has their own interests, their own friends. As a result of such relationships, children often suffer: mom takes care of herself, dad has his own affairs, and the child is an orphan with living parents. Too much affection also harms relationships. Some people want to spend 24 hours a day with their partner: a step to the right, a step to the left - execution. And then women come for consultation and complain about cheating. And these relationships on the side were actually like a breath of fresh air for the man. - For most women, the betrayal of a loved one is like death... - And this is death. Death of a relationship. And you need to spend a lot of strength to get out of this hole. You shouldn’t hold back your emotions, hide or hide something. In the end, create a scandal - this will be a normal reaction to what happened. In such situations, I recommend contacting a specialist. When you have a broken arm, you go to the doctor. And here is an even more subtle substance. Cheating is a turning point in a relationship. If you do not treat a broken arm, the consequences can be very sad. A doctor treats the body, and a psychologist heals the soul. Despite the fact that the pain is unbearable, you need to try to understand that everything in this life has its beginning and its ending. And this pain will also pass. The main thing is to figure out how to move on when it subsides. And there may be several options. There are, for example, women who are satisfied with everything as it is. Like, even if my husband has love on the side, the main thing is that he supports me and treats our children well. And a psychologist has no right to try to remake or re-educate such a woman - this is her choice. - In a conversation on such sad topics, you always want some kind of optimism - a story that would be crowned with a “happy ending”... - Recently in my practice there was a case that proved that You can always find strength and regain your family happiness. One day a woman came to me who found out that her husband had an affair and a child from a rival. Her suffering knew no bounds - tears, hysteria, despair, a wild feeling of hopelessness. At first, we worked with her to come to her senses and recover from the shock. Then they tried to figure out what her contribution was to the breakdown of the relationship - after all, as we know, both partners contribute to such problems. The next step is an attempt to soberly understand what happened and decide.