I often hear a request in consultations: how to defend personal boundaries with the help of assertive communication? How not to slip into aggression or the position of a silent victim? In my article I will share the rules of polite assertiveness when protecting your own borders. image created using the Kandinsky neural network Assertiveness allows you to inform people about your position, about your choice without negativity. This is your ability to achieve what you want without negative consequences. Patrick King 7 rules of assertive communication that will help you defend personal boundaries Listen to your feelings and sensations. They will tell you the moment when your interests are infringed; that’s why they were given to us. Believe your feelings, they do not deceive. Indicate to your interlocutor that he has crossed the line, without accusations, share your feelings. “It makes me feel bad...”, “It makes me angry...”, etc. The “Broken Record” technique helps to politely and confidently explain refusal when you say “no” to your interlocutor. For example, a friend asks you to borrow a new handbag for the evening. You tell the truth about your feelings, but briefly and do not give in to persuasion: “I won’t be able to give it to you. I will be uncomfortable, I will worry all evening.” If your friend continues to insist, you can explain: “Yes, I know that you will be careful and this is just for one evening. But I will still worry, that’s the kind of person I am. I don’t want to think about this bag all evening. That’s why I I can't lend it to you." Repeat this as many times as necessary, confidently and politely. Simple phrases work great with people you don’t know - in response to unnecessary sentences like “I don’t want to” and “I’m not interested.” Repeat them one by one and you will see for yourself how effective they are. Expose the manipulators! It helps to talk openly with them about how you see their behavior. Start with the phrase “I understand correctly that you...” Sometimes our loved ones can also unknowingly manipulate us and use double messages for this. They can also be clarified: “Darling, do I understand correctly that when you say in that tone, “Everything is okay,” you are actually dissatisfied? Use the phrases “I want...”, “I like...” in your requests. , “I’m pleased...”, etc. Sometimes the fear of looking selfish in the eyes of others makes us hide our needs and desires behind the words “All good children clean their room without reminders” or “But normal husbands give their wives flowers even without reason." Behind this lies uncertainty about the right to express your opinion, fear of admitting your desires and principles. It is you who want flowers, it is you who want the children to clean the room. It is quite normal to ask others for something. And their choice is to fulfill your request or refuse. Respect other people’s boundaries yourself. Sometimes it happens that we do not notice how we are invading “someone else’s territory” and receive this in response. Assertive communication is extremely necessary in cases where they are manipulating you, trying to push through your boundaries and ignoring your needs. The principles and techniques that I described above help with this. Like all new behavioral strategies, assertive communication takes time and skill training. If you notice difficulties in independently mastering assertive communication, ask for help! Are you able to use assertiveness techniques? Sincerely, psychologist Irina Zhueva. I am always happy to help you in a difficult situation. Please say “thank you” and share if the article was useful to you!