While the pandemic may have made it literally feel like you're trapped in a relationship, ambivalence is a normal part of relationships. Relationship expert Terry Real sometimes calls this "normal marital hatred," which can seem a little harsh. But when he introduces the term in front of an audience, he invariably receives a knowing laugh. If it's okay to sometimes dislike your partner, when will you know you've crossed the line of true unhappiness? In other words, when should you leave? In my therapy practice, I often see people struggling with this question. You know you're unhappy, but you try to persevere because you're comfortable. Or you realize you're being mistreated, but can't face the prospect of being alone or trying to start over with someone new. It's even more confusing when the partnership is good, but you still have a nagging feeling that the relationship isn't for you. Finding solutions to complex problems requires asking difficult questions. Here are some questions to help you on your way to making a decision:1. Are our problems based on what we're going through or who we are? It's easy to get caught up in the idea that life will get better once a particular source of stress is behind you and your relationships are better. We're all guilty of this magical thinking: If only I had a specific job, I'd make more money, or move out of my hometown, everything would be perfect. In relationships, we sometimes project this magical thinking onto our partners: If only this one thing would change, we could have the relationship I want. Sometimes it's true. Couples go through all sorts of difficult times and come out the other side stronger and more united. But you need to be honest with yourself: is this an isolated incident or an ingrained pattern? And if it's a pattern, can it be tolerated over time, or do you feel like it's sucking the life out of you? If you've been waiting years or even decades for your partner to behave differently, and some life experience always seems to be preventing that change, you may be mistaken. 2. What would I say to a close friend in my situation? This is usually easy to guess because it's probably what your close friends are telling you right now. You may have friends who endlessly complain about their significant other or act on unhelpful beliefs such as “All men are worthless,” “Women are never satisfied,” or “No marriage is truly happy.” You may want to take what these friends say with a grain of salt. But hopefully you also have friends who believe that you deserve appreciation and can be appreciated and loved by your partner and happy in your relationship. When these friends express concern, it's time to sit up and take notice. 3. How many things have I tried? Even the best relationships experience growing pains. Sharing a life with another person requires compromise, good will, and the ability to look past petty grievances. Before leaving a serious relationship, it makes sense to speak up, have difficult conversations, and be willing to cooperate and change on your part. Maybe see a relationship counselor. If you love someone, don't sit quietly and hope that everything will work out on its own. 4. What if everything is fine except when we fight? We can't just think about who we are when our relationship is at its best. We need to take a close look at them when we are at our worst. Conflict is healthy and productive: only people who have no boundaries never get angry. But conflict and anger must be contained. If you or your partner can't control your behavior when you're upset, you're in an unhealthy relationship. Arguments should not be a scorched earth affair. We all