From the author: A sketch from the distance course “Development of Conscious Attention” was published on my blog “Thinking Errors or Conversations for Awareness” DAY 1. Olga: I often use manipulation to get out of some an unpleasant or inconvenient situation for me. Tatyana: This is an excuse. Olga, don’t understand that I’m trying to judge you, I also use manipulation when I understand that something can be resolved faster this way and that’s normal. The question is - are you aware of this or not. Olga: Here I understand it this way: when I manipulate, I understand that the person is not “catching up”. In most cases... This means that I already consider myself smarter. There were times when I didn’t want to talk about something or wanted to hide something, I also resorted to manipulation. Tatyana: The other side of manipulation is that you consider yourself smarter, a person feels it. If he agrees with this, there is no problem. And if he doesn’t agree, but doesn’t talk about it, but he definitely feels it, then he unconsciously has a protest against you. Olga: In fact, I just thought, our communication with the MP began with manipulation. I deliberately wanted to seem good, played along with him, praised him and all that, it’s probably... there was fear and a desire to stay with him. Tatyana: With the desire to be good, it’s the same thing, they expect you to always be good, and if in at some point this turns out to be wrong, then there will immediately be reproaches. There is an interaction not with you, but with your image of you, hence the misunderstanding. Olga: Yes, I had problems with MCH related to my image, and not to me. At the very beginning of communication, I paid a lot of attention to him and this was to the detriment of my child. After some time, tension appeared, I could not be with him all the time. I didn’t dare discuss this right away, and everything remained as it was. As a result, I stopped wanting to date him at all, and it took a lot of time to explain and return my desire. Tatyana: Do you now see that this is the price of manipulation - I stopped wanting to date him? Olga: Yes, I see... I saw it a long time ago. The price of this manipulation: I sometimes want to end this relationship. And such thoughts periodically arise in me. Tatyana: And? Olga: Then they went back... into me. Tatyana: Do you think these thoughts will still bother you? Olga: Of course they will... I used to think that at some point to unite, and now I’m just looking for excuses. The situation is such that my boyfriend sometimes simply demands attention from me when we cannot meet often. When I have a lot of free time, I write him an SMS, call him right in the morning, etc. But it happens that there is no time for him, there is a lot of work, the child gets sick. And he is very offended. He says that I completely forgot about him and all that (also manipulation). Then I’m no longer in the mood, for show, I start writing SMS and all that... Tatyana: Do you realize that you built such a relationship yourself? Olga: Yes, I see it now. I understand. Previously, I was completely unconscious. Tatyana: Okay, now let’s think about what kind of relationship you want. Olga: Oh, of course I want everything to be open and straightforward. And then some kind of stopper comes into play. You have to open up yourself first, but it’s scary... Tatyana: Scary what? Olga: That something will have to change, and change is always scary. After all, I’m not telling MCH that I don’t seem to want to unite anymore. But he wants to... and all that. Although here too, depending on how you look at it. If everything is open and straightforward, maybe I’ll want to again. Tatyana: Look, you already have a certain experience that did not lead you to the desired result. Is there? Olga: Yes. Tatyana: Could there be something even worse than it is now? Olga: Well, it definitely won’t be worse. I'm so tired of these competitions, when I saw it all from the outside, I felt really disgusted. Sometimes we just have some kind of competition with him, who is better, who is right, who is smarter. I can’t understand why I don’t compete with others, but with him I always want to prove something. Most importantly, I cannot understand why all this is in our communication. I thought these two days and realized that the waymanipulation entered our relationship very tightly. Tatyana: Then why fear? You do it differently and get either what you already have (the desire to separate), or something new. Olga: Well, actually it’s logical. These are all my old unconscious habits. I myself, when I wanted to break up one day, decided just like that. I felt such relief. Tatyana: Well, I already have experience. Let's take it to free us from fear. Olga: I'll take it with pleasure. Somewhere subconsciously there is a fear of being left alone... MCH really helps me a lot (also a kind of manipulation). Tatyana: Now make a choice between “not being left alone and enduring everything as it is” and “I myself create the relationships that I deserve ( I want).” Olga: I myself create the relationships that I deserve. Tatyana: Okay. Now, what stresses you most in your relationship with the MCH? Olga: It’s this competitive element that stresses you out. Tatyana: To remove the competitive element, what needs to be done? Olga: Stop competing yourself? Tatyana: Yes, that’s right, quit the competition. Olga: No I’ll understand how... Tatyana: Now let’s think about how. To do this, remember how your competitions begin. Olga: The fact is that it sits somewhere deep inside me... So I understand with my mind that there is no need for competitions, but apparently there is no complete awareness. Somewhere inside, it’s as if someone is whispering all sorts of nonsense to me. Tatyana: Olga, let’s be constructive: question and answer. Good? Olga: Yes. Tatyana: Any example of the beginning of interaction when competition arises. Olga: An example from my side. Yesterday, he says that he spent the whole day watching cartoons with his child. And I’m just tempted to show horror-horror. In the end, she said, why not draw and read? After all, I don’t have to say anything, it’s just a wash away... I don’t like it. Tatyana: It’s already been said :-). Now let’s think about what you’re actually doing and what you actually told him (what the subtext was). Olga: Well, he says, he’s tired of doing nothing, some terrible cartoons all day. And I ask: why cartoons and doing nothing? You can read, play, draw... I said it normally, sort of like a hint. It's my inner thoughts that I don't like. Like, he sits with the child and watches cartoons all day, no, to study... I have long noticed such judgments of mine, it seems to put me above him. Tatyana: Olga, read the question carefully: what did you actually say to him ( what was the subtext)? Olga: And there was such a subtext that when I’m sitting with a child, I’d rather spend time with him. Tatyana: Like, are you good for nothing? Or something else? Olga: Well, it’s not that you’re completely unsuitable for anything, but they say, learn from me. Tatyana: What kind of denial was in your words? Olga: Denial of him as a trustworthy parent. Tatyana: You his Do you really think so? Olga: In some moments - yes. Tatyana: Do you want to change him or humiliate him? Olga: I think. (Pause). It happens both ways. Tatyana: Can we change others? Olga: Of course not. So, humiliate? Tatyana: We can change others if we want, but to change them... What do you get from humiliating him? Why do you need this? Olga: I don’t understand it myself. I’m probably raising my importance due to him. Right away, for example, I tick myself that I work better with a child (in my understanding). Tatyana: Why do you need this? Olga: I think. (Pause). Probably, I myself do not always consider myself a trustworthy parent and establish myself at the expense of him. Someone else is more unreliable :-) Tatyana: What are you feeling now? Olga: Some kind of tightness. I guess I hit the nail on the head. I’ll say this: it’s not entirely pleasant. Tatyana: It turns out that you are running from some kind of knowledge about yourself that is unpleasant for you, blaming others? Olga: Yes, it seems like that. Tatyana: You have a task for tomorrow: remember the cases when you was not a trustworthy parent. Your task is not to take the blame, but to exaggerate them, or rather, write me a story in an exaggerated form - what a bad mother you are. Is the task clear? Olga: Write everything, from the beginning of parenthood? Tatyana: Anymoment that you haven't dealt with yet. After that, write down your conclusions: what thoughts came, what you felt. DAY 2.Olga: I'm selfish. And in parenting too. I often choose what I want rather than what the child wants. So, for example, a child says: “Sit with me, watch a cartoon,” but I don’t like it and don’t want to. And I start to think that I need to do something (although in fact I have time) and blah, blah, blah... Or play. He wants to play with cars. Of course, I will sit down, creating the appearance of a game, and the phone will ring, and I will already run away happy that I can justify myself. When we draw or do something, I try to impose my vision. I’ve even started to notice that the child says: “What do you want? Should I choose this or that?” I didn’t understand why I should choose for him, but now I thought, I often choose, so he got used to it... When the eldest played hockey, at first I was constantly present at the training sessions, and then the debriefing began. You don’t try so hard, you don’t stress too much, etc. Moreover, sometimes she crushed him completely. How I wanted “something to come out of it.” I didn’t get much out of it (and I also went in for sports for quite a long time). Therefore, while satisfying my ambitions, I thought little about the child and got angry if he didn’t try. Now, it’s even unpleasant to remember. Well, at least I came to my senses in time. Something like this. There are many examples, the essence is the same, I think a lot about myself, my beloved, sometimes, regardless of the interests of the child. It was not possible to exaggerate. Where else can I exaggerate. Tatyana: What do you feel now? Olga: I feel some kind of separation from the children. There's a ache somewhere in my chest. Unpleasant. Tatyana: What do you want now? Olga: I want to figure out how to act so that we are on an equal footing. Do not infringe on either yourself or the child. Tatyana: Did I understand correctly, you want action? Olga: Yes. I want to act and understand how to act. Not even just understanding, but awareness. Tatyana: And you know what to do? Olga: I think there is no clarity yet. Tatyana: If someone, even someone close to you, told you, do this and that. Your reaction? Olga: She would probably start justifying herself. Tatyana: What does your MCH do at such a moment when you tell him, do this and that? Olga: Yes, the same thing... justifies himself. And he wants to defend himself. Tatyana: Now do you understand him? Olga: I understand. Tatyana: And? Olga: You need to understand yourself. Probably, you need to be more honest with yourself first of all. It turns out that MCH also wants action, but does not know how to act, and I begin to blame him (and for something that I cannot admit to myself), he begins to make excuses, to him This is also unpleasant, and he begins to prove to me that he is not a fool. Tatyana: Yes, you saw the mechanism of your interaction. And? Olga: I’m launching the competition myself. Tatyana: What do you feel now? Olga: Oddly enough, I feel some kind of relief. I don’t even understand, some mixed feelings. I want to call him, talk, and feel if something has changed. Tatyana: Don’t rush. Since quick awareness did not come, we need to consolidate it in practice. Olga: Yes, there is no need to rush. Awareness did not come, only understanding. Tatyana: Then the task: when you want to teach the MC about raising a child, seize this moment. Either remain silent, or say that you also have moments when, for example, you don’t know how and what to do with your child, or you don’t want to. And observe the result. Second task: you consciously do as always and again observe the result. You draw conclusions and write to the group. Olga, we either realize immediately, and everything changes, or we gain mental understanding, and then we need to get a different experience for awareness to come. Do you have any questions? Olga: Let me clarify: do things differently for contrast? Tatyana: Of course, to “feel the difference.” Olga: Got it. I’m working :-) I started to think about how to interact with my son so as not to infringe on either him or myself. Tatyana: If you solve the problem with the MP, it will automatically be solved with your son. Why do you think? Olga: I think so. (Pause). Will decide with MCH when I».