20-30. I finished reading to Sasha, we talked about the past day, about impressions, good and bad moments - and I lay on the bed next to Sasha’s bed, with headphones in my ears, and listened to music. And I think about my own. I'm waiting for Sasha to fall asleep and I can go have a few words with my husband and son, brush my teeth and go to bed. At 22-30 my lights out. A strong knock on the bed. Irritation rises instantly. Well, what is it? I've done my day, it's over, now it's my time. My. Silence, music, dark room. And no more knocking, no more talking, no more children. “What is it, Sash? Sleep already!” I say irritably, quite loudly, pulling the headphones out of my ears. My irritation gives way to surprise and confusion - as soon as I took off the headphones, I was covered in a stream of Sasha’s tears, sobs, and words. “Mom, I can’t do this anymore. Mommy! I deceived you. I'm very embarrassed. I don't know how to live with this. And I can't do anything about it, nothing! I wanted to never tell you about this, I’m so ashamed! But I can't carry this inside me anymore! I can't! I'm ashamed that I deceived you, but I can't go on with this. Mommy! Mommy!". It’s impossible to get a word in; she’s babbling, choking on tears. Can't stop. Drag him to your bed, cuddle him. Hug, cover, wrap. Stroking the head. Kiss the top of the head. Whisper “Everything is fine. Everything is fine now." God, what else can I do for her now? I don't know. Just be there. But she feels so bad... And I still don’t understand what happened. I only understand that Sasha was unable to keep some secret. Some kind of shameful secret for her. She did something... Something that was impossible. And she is ashamed that she did this, that she violated my ban. And I’m ashamed that I didn’t say it, didn’t admit it. What was the secret that divides us into Sasha-who-deceives-my-mother and mother-who-thinks-that-Sasha-doesn’t-deceive. To Sasha-the-bad-girl and to the mother-who-thinks-Sasha-is-good. This is how a child, deeply attached to his mother, perceives secrets from his mother - as separating. How they interfere with being close and family. Like anxiety and danger. What should I do now? I haven’t failed anywhere, I’ve already dealt with my confusion as a reaction to Sasha’s unexpected outburst. I am extremely focused and collected. I'm an adult, I can do anything. I can, I can, but what is the right thing to do? "Well! You’re a psychologist - come on, “treat” the child,” - this was my inner Parent, aka Critic, turning on. I don’t let him kick Sasha, so he mocks me. Above my inner Adult. “No, teach me! You're a psychologist - you should do something smart now. There’s your child, who’s hysterical.” "Shut up". So, ok, calm down. I'll go over all six levels of attachment. The hugging and kissing has been going on in full swing since the very beginning of the incident. “Oh, honey... How similar you and I are in this...” “What’s wrong?” Sasha howls. “It’s how difficult it is for us to carry such heavy things in our souls. In how subtly we perceive the world... You are my girl...” “Baby, no matter what you did, you are still my beloved daughter. My Sunshine. And I am your mother. Always." The sobs intensified, but became less “sharp” or something. “It is very important to me that you were able to share with me now your heaviness, your pain. It is important to me what is going on in your soul. It is important for me to be able to help you when you are having a hard time. Thank you for taking this step. It takes a lot of courage to admit something shameful.” The easiest for me is the fifth level of affection, the level of love. Because love flows itself. In the moments when Sasha feels bad, I am love. Words, actions, my presence nearby - all this is love. The sixth level is the level of knowledge. The one where the secrets and secrets that separate us from our children are unbearable. Or rather, separating children from us. It is important for Sasha to feel that I know her. I know about her. I know about her experiences and feelings. About her aspirations and dreams. And about actions. About behavior. About the reasons. That there's something underlying it allmore. Something deep. We need to remove the shameful secret that separates us. Question? Or wait? “Mom, I watch YouTube. I know you can't. But I'm watching. And dad once even caught me doing this, but I lied and said that I was listening to a fairy tale, and he believed it. And I’m so ashamed!!” “My sunshine...” “I watch bad videos. Bad. Those that are not allowed. Scary. I don’t know why I watch them, I don’t know. They attract me! I'm so ashamed of this! I understand that they are harmful. And that you can’t watch them. What you didn't allow. And I myself understand that they are bad. But somehow they attract me and I watch them!” I kiss, hug, stroke. I'm sad. “And, remember, I couldn’t fall asleep, and you were angry with me because I couldn’t fall asleep for more than an hour? But I couldn’t, because I saw and imagined everything that I had seen enough of on YouTube. And I couldn’t get it out of my head, but it’s terrible!” “How hard it was for you, my girl!..” “Yesss!!! And one night I woke up in the middle of the night and said that I had a terrible dream, and deceived you, that it was about you dying. But in fact it was a lie, a lie! I lied to you! I actually dreamed about these videos, with bloody hair!” “Sunny, everything is fine now. I'm with you. I'm here. We are together. We're home. It's safe here. It's just our family here. It's quiet and peaceful here. Everyone is alive and well. Can you feel my hand? Do you feel us clinging to each other? Here we are together." So. Don't forget to breathe yourself. Don't freeze. Be sad, scared, worried - whatever, just don’t freeze, don’t be “frozen off” by your feelings. “And I didn’t know how to tell you. I couldn't make up my mind. But it’s getting more and more difficult for me to carry this inside myself, Mom. It's so awful! This is all so terrible!!” “This is truly terrible, baby. This is not for such girls. Not for little ones. And, to be honest, I don’t even know who this could be for...” “But why am I drawn to watch this, why?? It’s pulling, and I can’t help it!” So. My head is empty. The child asked a question. She is waiting for an answer. And I'm dumb. “Well,” my inner mocking voice turns on again, “you’re a psychologist!” Come on, tell me why she is drawn to watch horror films. What you do not know?? What kind of psychologist are you then? You must know such things, understand how things work in the psyche.” "Shut up". “Do you know how strong fear works? It paralyzes. We cannot reason rationally when we experience horror. We do things we wouldn't do in our right mind. We do some things, and then we feel ashamed. Even adults, let alone children.” Sasha is crying quietly and listening. “You see, Sasha, the story of children’s lies... is not simple... Sometimes some temptations are so great that a child cannot cope with the temptation to violate a parent’s ban - so strong is the temptation, so much does he want what was forbidden to him. Here you are, for example. You usually cope with the fact that we say “no, you can’t” about something. You are sad about it, you cry. Well, or you get angry, it happens. But something like this can happen. The desire to watch scary movies that older girls watch was so great that you couldn’t resist. Well, you didn't have enough self-control. Your brain cannot cope with such a complex task yet. And in such places the role of parents is very important. It is dad and I who must now do what you can’t handle. You can’t cope simply because you’re still young, your brain hasn’t matured. Understand? Parents should not scold or punish, but help. Remove the source of temptation from you, for example. Do you understand that dad and I will now do something so that you won’t be able to watch YouTube, even if you want to again?” "Yes. Take him away from me, please!” “We’ll remove it. I don’t know how, but dad will solve this problem.” We lay there for a long time, hugging each other. They were talking, then I was just stroking Sasha’s head. I thought. I was sad. Removing access to YouTube is not a difficult task. But what to do instead? I mean, for some reason Sasha watched these scary videos. There is some reason. What? I don't know. But one of my guessesThe fact is that Sasha spends a lot of time alone - I work a lot. I have clients, I have articles. And even when I don’t write or consult, I’m most often not with her, because it’s important for me to relax and gain resources. Self-care is an integral part of the work of a psychotherapist. Otherwise, I simply won’t be able to practice my profession. I won't be able to be useful to clients. “I’ll burn out.” And all this time Sasha is alone. She plays a lot. He draws, cuts and glues, weaves from rubber bands. Sometimes he plays “on the phone”, that is, he calls up with a friend via WhatsApp and they both play, being far from each other, but commenting on their actions. We found such a way out. But all these things require energy. Which a child has only when he is nourished by our contact, our love, relationships. And when there are not enough of us, parents, for the child (when we are busy all the time, we do not have the strength, time or desire to communicate, when we seem to answer the child’s questions, but in a “get rid of it” way, without delving deeply, without giving the child real contact, oneself), then the child does not have many resources for play and creativity. And he begins to get bored and languish. If you observe what is happening in a child, you will notice that during periods when everything is good in our relationship with him, Creativity blossoms. And how it fades away or how its quantity decreases when we are busier than usual for a long period of time. The child is “running out of battery.” And the “charger” is us. And if we are unavailable, if we are not there, something is needed that will help the child survive the feeling of loneliness. What do adults do when they feel lonely, sad, hurt, or otherwise unbearable inside? Someone eats these emotions, someone “drinks” (I mean alcohol), someone goes into games, be it a computer or slot machines, someone gets hooked on TV series... And a lot more. What should a child do? If a gadget is available, play. Or watch cartoons. Or these scary videos. Firstly, it is a distraction from sad feelings/thoughts. Secondly, the feeling of fear, horror - completely interrupts the feeling of loneliness, abandonment, unimportance for parents (please note: I am not writing about the fact that the child is really not important for the parents or they abandoned him; I am writing about that the child feels as if he is not needed, not important - after all, the parents have “more important” things to do: work, everyday life... the child, in fact, often cannot compete with them) And now, by taking away Sasha’s access to YouTube, I have to give her myself in return. Your time, your attention, your communication. Give a complete replacement for the selected one. And I'm sad. It’s sad that for some time I didn’t give her as much time as she needed - and this led to this situation. It’s sad that you need to give, but I still don’t really know how. Where can I find strength, time, and sometimes desire? But my daughter is important to me, and I will somehow resolve this issue. The easiest way to hang in such a situation is to feel guilty. Blame yourself and change nothing. But bearing responsibility—real, adult, mature—is more difficult. But that's exactly what needs to be done. Change the way things have happened so far. I don't know how I'll do it. I think I will schedule a daily time for Sasha in my work schedule. In the morning or maybe in the middle of the day, we'll see. I’m with her every day - I take her to clubs (we chat along the way), read before bed, talk during the day in between clients, sometimes we watch children’s films together or some programs like “The Voice” or “The Great Race” " But apparently this is not enough. And, as in any situation with deception, in this case I am dealing with two parts of what happened: one of them is what the child lied about (about a broken prohibition, about what was not allowed, but the child did it), the other - about the fact that he could not admit, tell the truth. And often a child may not tell the truth even when asked directly, and may lie to our face. Why didn't Sasha confess earlier? Why was it so difficult for her to tell me the truth? After all, we have a deep and reliable relationship. I always help her. We do not practice punishment in any wayform. I, of course, am a living person and periodically I get angry, I get angry, I can raise my voice when I’m angry. But we always discuss what happened afterwards. I can apologize. And we talk about how to deal with aggression. And I always say that I love her even when I'm angry. That no matter what she does, I always love her. Why didn’t Sasha confess to me earlier? Sasha says that she was very ashamed to admit this. To admit that she did something that was impossible, although she understood that it was not just impossible. I realized that I was right in forbidding watching this. I understood the common sense of the ban and couldn’t resist. And then it seemed to her that something was wrong with her, since she was watching such videos. And because of this she was very afraid. Her fear was that she-was-not-the-right-woman would be rejected. Even though we have a good attachment relationship. And I’m sad... This is my next encounter with my non-omnipotence. With the fact that I can try as much as I want, invest in relationships with children, give of myself, but in these relationships there is not only me. In a relationship with Sasha, there is Sasha. And that means not everything depends on me. Much, but not all. Sasha has her own internal processes, her own mental characteristics, she has a lot of her own, “given” things. And I can’t influence everything. It's sad, but it's reality. And it is important to rely on it. In this case, such support allows you not to fall into a feeling of guilt. Don’t take unnecessary responsibility for the fact that Sasha didn’t confess to me earlier. She just couldn't. But let's talk about what other reasons a child may break prohibitions and cheat. A child lies when presented with too large a list of demands. It is impossible to meet this list. But I want to be good for my parents. So he deceives, he wants love... Sometimes the list of prohibitions can be just as long. This is impossible, this is impossible, and this is also impossible. What is possible? No matter what your eyes light up on, it’s all gone. A child cannot deny himself so often and so much. After all, his task is to explore the world, to find out how things work in it. So he finds out, he knows. Sometimes deceiving that you didn’t do something, yes. Well, we must not forget that children can lie for the same reason that adults do: they really want to get something that for some reason is impossible, and at the same time they want to avoid conflict. “Eat the fish and don’t wash the frying pan,” yes. I want to systematize and list what, in my opinion, is important to remind yourself of when something like “the child lied” happens: • There is no need to put on a show if you find out about the deception. Be direct, don't pretend you don't know anything. “How do you like the soup?” in a situation where you know that a child has poured the soup, this is not suitable. “I see you spilled the soup. Why?” is direct communication, the purpose of which is to clarify the situation, and not to embarrass or shame the child. • If you yourself do not admit your mistakes, if the child does not learn this, then it is very difficult for him to admit what he has done. After all, there is no room for error. Let the child see that you are an ordinary living person. Imperfect. Making mistakes. Then it will be easier for him to accept his own and admit them. • You need to react to the fact that the child did something that was prohibited, and not to the fact of lying. Don't blame, don't shame, don't scold for lying. But talk about the action. • Help the child cope, and not shame, blame, or punish. • The child is good! His intentions are good! He had no intention of hurting you. The goal was to do well for myself. Sometimes these things conflict, yes. • If we have a good relationship with a child, he tries to be good for us. This is important to him, and he tries his best. And if at some point I couldn’t, couldn’t stand it, it was not because I wanted to annoy or upset us, but because the brain was not yet mature enough to withstand such “tests of strength.” No matter what the child lied about, no matter what our ban he violated, he did it not to spite us, not on purpose, without malicious intent. This is due to the immaturity of the child. Temptation turned out to be stronger than self-control. Everything has its time. The way he?