A lot of energy is wasted in quarrels and omissions between a man and a woman. The candy-bouquet period has passed, and then we truly begin to recognize the person next to us, look at him with real eyes, getting rid of illusions and unnecessary expectations. Gradually, from just falling in love, real mature love arises. We learn to love and “see” another person. There are no ideal relationships, it is unattainable, and sometimes conflicts are also necessary, ultimately helping us to be closer, to better recognize each other’s desires and opinions. But when there are insults, tears, passions, and raised voices it becomes too much, you need to think about how to improve the microclimate in the family and understand your other half. Of course, this is a two-way process, because both should need the relationship, playing with one goal does not make sense. But we may well start first, not expect that he, such a bastard, should begin to understand us, because what is more important is not rightness and its proof with foam at the mouth, but happiness. If the couple is at the stage of divorce, if the relationship is already deep unhealthy or abusive, if one of the partners or both have severe addictions, then any methods are no longer effective, you need to use “heavy artillery”, or accept the need to separate if the relationship cannot be saved. But this is a topic for a separate article. And one more thing - there are exceptions to any rules, and perhaps not everything that I describe will suit your man. For example, if your man has a fine mental organization, a creative emotional personality, or the so-called “chameleon man.” Follow your intuition, try it, see how he reacts. Mostly hitting the top ten. We are really different in many ways! And we think differently. For example, men are often less emotional. They are also vulnerable and sensitive, and are also capable of experiencing a full range of emotions, but they cannot talk about feelings for a long time. And they are sincerely indignant when women again and again begin to talk about feelings that they have already expressed - “after all, we have already discussed everything, shared emotions, well, why is she pulling the same thing again.” And if a man says that he doesn’t want to talk now , this means that he is tired and cannot stand the emotions of women now. One can imagine that a woman has a “bucket of emotions”, and a man has only a “small jar” to accept a woman’s emotions. And purely technically, he cannot accept everything at once in one short unit of time. And a woman “with her own bucket” needs to learn to “drain” it more carefully for the psyches of both. And not to screw herself up that a man is not interested in her, there is nothing to talk about, that she is not needed. In addition, there are a lot of other safe ways a woman can help herself live through emotions - friends, sports, dancing, shopping, hobbies, films, books, art therapy, etc. And if after this there is a need for something serious to talk, then it will be done more calmly and reasonably, and will “reach the man’s ears” more. And when talking, remember that if a man says something, then this is exactly what he means without any half-hints or ambiguity. Do not invent your fantasies on his text, it will be useful for your peace of mind) Where a man simply does not pay attention, considering it insignificant, a woman will turn it up to tsunami proportions. And here calm, frank communication, conversation from the “I-position” will help (I felt then , this is important to me, etc.). Men usually find it difficult to apologize. And their “well, that’s it,” “well, you understand,” or just sniffling or timid touches, means “excuse me.” On the topic of leadership. No matter how the world changes and the institution of marriage becomes outdated, in most cases men need this feeling - to be a leader in your family, the captain of a ship. We can, without trusting, intercept this steering wheel, control and give instructions on exactly how to turn it, developing a commanding voice along the way and even comparing it with others, more successful. As a result, a man either humbles himself (in their in the picture of the world this is called “castration”) andhands the helm to a woman, or goes to look for another boat where he is needed and where he is trusted. There cannot be two captains on the same boat, just accept it. Family psychology also says that in essence there are no so-called “equal” relationships. Each is strong in his own way, each has his own rights and responsibilities, this is called “interdependence.” But the “controlling share” must be in the hands of one person so that the family can function calmly. It is safer for a woman’s psyche if a man has this action. Let me remind you again that we are talking about a “conditional norm.” And if living with a man is simply life-threatening or destructive to the psyche, or the couple is strangers to each other with different values, then you need to leave such a “boat”, there is either no rudder at all, or everyone has their own shore... Moreover our life is created for happiness, not suffering)) On the topic of personal space. Men have two opposing needs, between which he constantly balances - to be needed and to be free. By freedom here we mean not the ability to change, but the feeling of at least some then his belonging to himself. Starting from the small things: his “corner in the house”, where things are in the order he needs (and sometimes men don’t even have their own shelf in the closet or just his mug); and ending with the more global - his interests and hobbies, from which we women often try to protect our men out of our personal fears or banal inconvenience. He himself wants to control at least something in his life - the choice of friends, ways of leisure, “buy a garage now or postpone until spring". There is no need to try to pull the blanket on everything and decide for him. It’s also true about that very “cave” described in the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.” He “needs to go there” periodically. Don’t be afraid to let him go there, treat him with trust and acceptance that this is his important need, after the fulfillment of which he will feel more courageous and fulfilled. And he will be grateful for this trust. “Cave” can mean different things, depending on the internal structure of a particular man. Some people really need to be alone, sit with a fishing rod, for example, or go hiking with a tent for a couple of nights. For some, chat with your closest friends in a bar, for others, to ride a motorcycle, for others, to play billiards (without women). The topic of a man’s reboot when he comes home from work also relates to personal space. Most just need to be left alone for half an hour or a little more. So as not to express emotions, do not immediately attack with requests or claims. He needs to “jump” from the world of work and the commute to the home world. Some people need to watch a little TV, others need to read, or just “look down” looking at the ceiling or scrolling through the news on a smartphone. Someone will go to chop wood or fix something, but also in silence, without talking. Just be patient for this short period of time. And then you will see for yourself that he is ready to talk. He may ask how your day went, or whether we will have dinner soon, he may even start some interesting conversation by hugging you. They will definitely listen to you, especially since here our basic feminine need is included and in a healthy relationship the “take/give” balance is maintained. We remember - there is no need to invent that his supposedly bad mood is because of you. If you still doubt and stress yourself out, then ask directly. And also directly understand his words that “everything is fine, it’s not about you, I’m just tired.” This is really true, you don’t need to fantasize or blame yourself! In general, this is a very useful skill for both - not to stress yourself out and accumulate negativity, but to communicate with each other directly and sincerely, really trying to understand the other’s point of view, his feelings and picture of the world. According topic of requests. Don’t wait for him to guess, don’t be silent, say your requests directly. He's not a psychic! And he will be grateful to you for getting rid of the reproaches that he is so forgetful or slow-witted. And about giftsyourself, it’s also better to speak directly or with hints that are very clear to him, for example, by sending a link to the thing you like. This is not humiliating, because it is important to present the request - softly and affectionately, but with a sense of self-esteem. There is nothing wrong with “begging for gifts”, and here we need to learn from little girls who turn on the “gentle princess” and dad runs everything to her buy. Turn on your inner girl too, this is possible and even useful in such cases. And this is also an understanding of the structure of the male mind, he really may not guess or forget, not because he has fallen out of love, but because the focus of men’s attention is often more global strategic things for the family. And more on the topic of requests. It is better not to ask for help with phrases like “could you help me.” He hasn’t even started doing anything yet, when he already hears doubts that he can do something)) It’s also better not to ask for five different things at the same time. We, women, are most often the fairies of multitasking, while in the male brain everything boils or stalls from simultaneous multidirectional tasks. Therefore, “load” in stages. Completed, received a reward, rested, the next one, etc. Under the reward there can be a simple “thank you.” For emotions and help. This is also related to the fact that a man at one point in time can either think or feel. Therefore, his irritation and outbursts of anger are natural in those moments when he is doing something, or thinking about how best to do it, and at this moment you want to talk to him about feelings, trying to bring out his emotions. And by the way, if a man is angry, the old man will best help Grandma’s advice is to put water in your mouth (or, more simply, “close your mouth”). Leave it alone, let it cool down. Then you will return to the conversation, without unnecessary stress. Yes, and for us women, it is more useful to communicate on important topics without violent emotions. But since women in a bad mood or hysterics, on the contrary, expect that they will not be left, that they will be reassured, that they will be hugged, then they start even more pester men when they are in negative emotions, thinking that men need the same thing. And then they wonder why they get even more excited. You see how important it is to take into account our differences, and not try to give another what one would expect in a similar situation. For example, women really like to try to help men and give advice. After all, they proceed from their picture of the world, in which there are “psychics” who guess when and how they need to help their women. That is, they haven’t been asked for help yet, but they are trying to guess and “do good.” But men don’t need this! And they don't like to ask for help! It’s just that in the male picture of the world, those who ask for help are most often weaklings. That is, the point again is not about us women, not about the fact that they don’t trust us. And when necessary, a man will ask. Directly. About acceptance and neediness. To be accepted as you are is also an important male need. And this is not about some kind of vicious behavior, or when our boundaries are crossed, but we must endure. Under no circumstances should they. This is about attempts to “break it”, remake its nature, its values. He won't change anyway, by the way. And if he changes, it will be because he wanted it himself, without the participation of a woman. Therefore, the holy of holies is not to compare him with other men, especially with exes! In general, the topic of exes should be very narrow. In extreme cases, we can say that everything was fine, but we didn’t get along, or the love was gone. And it’s highly not recommended to tell how your ex bullied you, cheated/drank/beat you. After all, it turns out according to “male logic” that this is possible with you. Of course, this does not mean that he will immediately start drinking or hitting, but he may be more dismissive, less careful. In conclusion, I would like to remind you of another important male need, mentioned a little higher - to be needed. To be appreciated, to see his efforts, and men also love compliments and sincere praise. But if a woman is all “on her own,” “it’s easier and faster for me without you,” “I don’t need anything,” and she really doesn’t have clear desires or she does not know how to want and ask at all, then the man “sours”, loses passion and a certain!