Anya received little praise as a child. At least that's what she thought. It was very disappointing. And it was doubly offensive because her cousins ​​were praised much more in her presence. But they both studied and behaved worse. However, the words of praise that she heard - both to herself and to them - still seemed somehow different. There was little joy from them. On the contrary, some incomprehensible tension was felt. Praise is a very important matter, but also quite subtle. Now, under the influence of the American parenting model, many young parents actively praise their children. Perhaps they are trying to compensate for their lack of praise in childhood. Or perhaps they are worried about the future self-esteem of their child. In any case, the opinion that praise is a panacea for everything is wrong. After all, if you use this tool incorrectly, you can significantly harm the child’s self-esteem and relationships with him. Therefore, it is important to know the basic rules of praise. Praise, but do no harm. How do we usually praise children? We say, for example: “What a great fellow you are!”, “Good boy (girl)!”, “You did the right thing!” And sometimes we say, “You washed the dishes so well!” No one in the world washes dishes like you!” At first glance, these seem to be very positive phrases. But now try to imagine yourself in the role of a child who is told this. What do you feel? Do you really feel 100% good about this? I, for one, would not really like to hear such praise. And it seems pleasant, but some kind of sediment remains in the soul. It turns out that I’m great, I’m good only when I do certain things. This means that if I don’t do them, I will become bad. It's insulting, angry, sad. It smacks of completely conditional acceptance and love “for something.” Children feel about the same way. They seem to “read” the unspoken subtext of the parent’s message. And all because in this case the praise is based on a value judgment. “Good, well done, right.” This means that there is a bad one, and a bad one, and something wrong. Conclusion: any assessment - good or bad - harms the formation of a child’s healthy self-esteem. How to praise? You may ask, how then can you express your admiration, joy, pride, etc. when communicating with a child? How then can we praise him? Very simple. First, instead of logical assessment of his actions, talk about yourself! Second, express not your assessment, but your feeling and attitude towards his actions. “I’m glad that you did it!”, “I admire how you are!” “I am proud that I have such a son (daughter)!” etc. Here’s a comparison: The son went to the store and bought groceries. Mom (direct, evaluative praise): “It’s right that you went! You’re doing great, good son!” Mom (indirect, non-judgmental praise): “Son, I’m so glad that you went to the store and helped me with the groceries! Now I will have time to prepare everything for the arrival of the guests.” Do you feel the difference? When we praise a child, while expressing our feeling or attitude towards his actions, the child feels the sincerity of the parent and “reads” this message as encouragement for his actions. He thinks, “I can do this job well.” When a parent uses a value judgment, which is also exaggerated (“no one will do it like you!”), the child “reads” in this: “My parents only need me when I do this” or “I know that I’m not quite like that.” I’m already good, so I’m most likely being fooled.” Why praise? In fact, there cannot be too much “correct” praise. The more a parent expresses his feelings and shows an attitude towards a particular action of the child, the better his contact with his own child becomes. Mutual trust and sincere communication are formed. And it doesn’t matter whether dad is happy that his son washed the floor or admires the fact that he graduated with honors. The main thing is that feelings are expressed. And directly to their addressee. However, I want to note that it is important to tell a child not only pleasant feelings. If a parent, for example, is angry or dissatisfied with some action or inaction, it is important to talk about this. But again, not in an evaluative form. And using the “I-message”