Nowadays it is very common to write about abusers and narcissists, expressing sympathy for their victims. And I sympathize with the victims. I myself have been in this position for a long time; sometimes there is a temptation to hide there from life’s trials. If you look at the situation through the eyes of a narcissist, you can imagine the following picture. “Finally, I met a person who understands and accepts me, is ready to give me attention and give recognition. I missed this so much in childhood, and even now I always want confirmation of my importance. Finally, a person has appeared who happily shares my ideas, interests and views. Even if I’m not in the mood, he will still patiently endure mine. mood, doesn’t reproach, doesn’t take offense at me.” It’s hard to believe in such compatibility, so I want to test the strength of a person’s boundaries, so as not to experience that fear of rejection, which was abundant in childhood. And now, like a bolt from the blue. As it turned out, It’s not me who is good in our relationship, it’s another great martyr. And this great martyr is waiting for a reward for his expectations and suffering. And all the attention is on me, not because I’m so interesting, but because the other needs acceptance of himself at any cost.” As it turns out - not just anyone. Everything has a price. Giving up friends, his hobbies - all this so that they can see how good he is. This is the main resource for his internal support - to be accepted. Both the victim and the abuser in a relationship are looking for what the parents were not able to give. For one, recognition is for nothing, for another, acceptance is for nothing. Everything must be earned. Frustration sets in, and mutual accusations of using each other. Everyone hid their shadow from their partner, often we don’t even know about our suppressed feelings. Just as they were taught to suppress in childhood, so we live, satisfying our important needs in secret. That's about it. A destructive relationship involves two people. Everyone has different needs for acceptance. Constantly suppressing your feelings leads to unpredictable emotional breakdowns. And claims to each other. The way out is to learn to recognize yourself from different sides, to appropriate the shadow part of yourself that you want to hide; you were shamed for it a lot in childhood. Develop your own supports. Face your pain. Both narcissists and their victims. Georges Simenon wrote: to understand people, not to judge. There are no criminals in the world - there are only victims. It sounds easy, but the work is painstaking. Neural connections were formed a long time ago; automatic reactions run along them. It takes time for new connections to form. And skills that are formed in practice. Glad to help you find answers to your questions +79529567068