– I can’t go traveling without my husband (but we can’t do it together, he doesn’t want to go anywhere). He can’t be left alone, he won’t be able to do his own laundry or cook food. – If he wants to eat, if he needs clean clothes, he’ll learn. – Yes, well, if he breaks something, then it’ll be my fault.**** – Son sits at home, doesn’t want to work, what should I do? – Stop giving money, stop feeding. – I don’t believe that this will help, I feel sorry for him.**** – My daughter doesn’t have a husband, she’s alone with a child, she doesn’t pay enough at work. I help with my pension, leaving very little for myself. I suggest she change her job - but she is afraid to change something, afraid of interviews. - Stop giving money. - What if it doesn’t help, it’s a pity, they’ll go hungry! I have conversations like this with my clients regularly. The solution is on the surface, but there are fears, pity, doubts. And I understand these experiences. I had a similar situation myself. Mom was always under her father, “quieter than water, lower than the grass.” A real coward, to put it bluntly. And now he and his father have another problem. Mom complains, then asks, then demands that I, as the eldest son, talk to my father, talk some sense into him, and, if necessary, intimidate him, so that he meets my mother halfway on one issue. But she herself still didn’t dare talk to him about it, she was afraid, she didn’t know how. And I kind of have to help my mother, support her, put my father in her place if he oppresses the “poor” mother. I’m not an insensitive blockhead, I was worried about her. Sometimes her complaints penetrated so deeply that her hand reached out to call her father. “I must, I must, I must!” it hit me in the head. But I also had the understanding that my mother must learn on her own - to communicate, convey her opinion, resolve conflicts (if they are without assault, of course). Therefore, I gently sabotaged her requests, helped her tune in to the conversation, suggested how it could be carried out. Realizing that she could not get concrete actions from me (and probably thought that she had raised a son from whom she could not expect help in her old age) - but, in the end, my mother went and did everything herself - she expressed her position, discussed it and received from her father the answer that she had planned. And then, like a little girl, she called back and boasted about her courage and the result of the conversation. Of course, this does not mean that now she will decide all further issues herself. He will probably call more than once and ask for something. But she has more and more successful experience of taking independent steps. I will rely on him in further sabotage of her requests, so that I interfere in her relationship with her father. What if she never decided to approach her father and talk? Well, I would stay with my “broken trough.” What if I stop giving money, and the child starts to starve? What if... You can come up with as many of these “And if”s as you like. You and I have a rich imagination. In my opinion, the key in such cases should be something else: 1. Adult-Adult Relationships.2. Take off the crown of the Rescuer (or the protective hen) from the head and let the person go into his own life. But, this is my child! But, these are my parents! But, this is the father of my children! De jure - a child (parent, husband) , de facto, is an adult who chooses to live exactly this way. And what – not help at all, not support? Help for an adult, and help for an adult “child” (or parent “child”, husband “child”) differ from each other. What do you think??