From the author: The article is posted on the blog A woman came to me with an interesting request: her ex-husband hates her, she gets angry and freaks out during rare meetings, she categorically refuses to communicate on the phone, although there are no apparent reasons for this there is no anger. Necessary introductory details: they divorced on his initiative, and everything seems to be going well for him - another woman, a new job, a move to another city is planned in connection with a transfer to a higher position. The client, according to her, does not make any claims against him, and only contacts him on issues related to children, and only because her ex-husband himself asked not to be deprived of his participation in raising children. However, the “ex”’s antipathy is obvious , and is growing more and more. She is a non-conflict person, and therefore this situation stresses her out. Can I help you sort it out? She and I began to analyze the situation, and she remembered how a couple of years ago her ex-husband, then still in the status of a real one, had a conflict at work, as a result of which he was offered to move from a management position to an ordinary clerk. Then it was she who told him at a home discussion of the situation: “You have to respect yourself, in the end! It’s better to leave there completely and look for a normal job, according to your capabilities!” The husband obeyed, resigned from that organization, and for six months he could not find a job “according to his capabilities,” that is, a managerial one. Quarrels began at home, because the wife began to ask: “So when is it?” Either from an excess of free time, or because of his wife’s flirting, or rather, because of everything together, he found another woman. And although after 6 months he got a job in the organization as a department head and a decent salary, his wife had already lost him. The divorce went quite calmly. The client, realizing that she herself was partly to blame for this situation, did not become bitchy or try to keep her husband, and let him go in peace. Moreover, on all the main issues - division of property and maintenance of children, the husband accepted her conditions. She hoped that this status quo would continue to be maintained, and she and her husband would remain, if not friends, then at least friendly colleagues in raising children. But the situation began to deteriorate for no apparent reason. I asked the client how ambitious her ex-husband was, and to what position would he like to build his career? After thinking, she said that in their marriage she was more ambitious, and it was she who always stimulated her husband to develop his career, and he was quite calm about the position of an ordinary employee if the job responsibilities were interesting to him. So, at the very beginning of his career, she forced him to submit a resume for the position of group leader at the first opportunity, and to move from a job that he really liked to a position where the responsibilities were no longer creative, but administrative. The husband then grumbled for a very long time about the fact that now he had to do paperwork and not real work. After thinking further, the woman came to the conclusion that her husband, even being already an “ex,” was carrying out exactly her program to build his career. It was she who programmed him so that a man, in order to respect himself and be respected by others, must build a career, and not do what he loves. And now it turns out that although they are divorced, he does not live the way he wants, but the way his ex-wife programmed him. On a conscious level, this is not visible to him; he is happy to build a career and move from position to position, but at the subconscious level his hatred for the “programmer” grows. Hence the hostility, at first glance, so incomprehensible and groundless, towards his ex-wife. When the woman found out “where the legs grow from,” she was confused. Yes, indeed, to understand that you turned out to be such a powerful authority that to this day people who seem to have left your life continue to live according to the patterns you built - on the one hand, it’s flattering, and on the other hand, it’s very responsible and scary. Yes, how can one not remember “We are responsible for those whom.