From the author: Here a parent can find step-by-step recommendations for behavior during a child's tantrum. The article is posted on the personal website Children's hysteria is a very common phenomenon in the field of child-parent relationships. And the parent does not always know how to react to this phenomenon in such a way as not to give up his position of authority and, at the same time, maintain contact with his child. This memo proposes an algorithm for environmentally friendly behavior of a parent in response to a child’s attempt to achieve what he wants. For clarity and greater transparency of the proposed steps, let's consider them using a specific example. So, imagine the situation: there is a rule in the house - eat only in the kitchen; This is prohibited in the room. One day, the mother, being busy talking on the phone, allowed the child to take an apple into the room with her. Where it was eaten in front of the TV. The next morning, the child tried to repeat the experiment, but was stopped by the vigilant parent, who reminded him that he was not allowed to eat in the room. And then a conflict arises in the child’s head: “BUT YESTERDAY IT WAS POSSIBLE”!....and hysteria begins (classic: screaming, howling, stamping feet). How does mom feel? Simmering anger; a storm similar to the external one is playing out inside her, and there is a desire to immediately stop this disgrace. However, our mother is conscious: she remembers what steps she should take: 1. Take the position of an adult, whose task is to understand what is happening to the child and tell him about it. The child knows nothing about what is happening to him. Besides the fact that he feels bad now. As a rule, he feels bad because he is faced with the impossibility of getting what he wants (here we remember that we, adults, usually don’t like this either). And the child does not know any other way to express his condition other than he expresses it. But he has a mother on whom he can rely. Mom will contain his pain and tell him about it. She will accept him as he is now – uncomfortable. And this will tell him that his feelings are normal, and he himself is fine too. Will help him be who he is. Will teach him to live through pain.2. From the position of an adult, while maintaining internal balance, try to understand what feelings the child expresses. Tell him them; name the reason for their appearance and what the child wants now. Example: let’s turn to our situation. Mom, having pulled herself together, realized that her child was very outraged that today he was forbidden to take an apple. And he's angry now. She informs him about this: “You’re angry now because I didn’t allow you to take an apple into the room” (the child howls and throws a toy in her direction) - “Yes, you’re very angry now... you’re just furious... and you think that , if you behave this way, you will be able to get my permission.” In this way, the parent shows the child that his feelings are important, normal and shared. The child does not experience a state of despair and loneliness.3. After the feelings are reflected, the parent confirms his decision. Example: “I understand your anger, you have the right to be angry now. However, your scandal will not change my decision. You will eat the apple in the kitchen. I’ll wait until you calm down.” Then mom waits patiently for the intensity of passions to pass. Occasionally once again indicating the feelings of the brawler.4. In a calm state, the parent deals with the situation that has arisen with the child: Reason (for example, an adult’s decision) -> the child’s feelings -> the child’s behavior -> a statement of the end of the situation. Example: after the child has calmed down, the mother calls him to her: “Now come on I’ll tell you what happened to you. Yesterday I allowed you to eat an apple in the room, and you decided that today you can too. But I forbade you today. You were surprised, indignant and angry. It wasn't fair to you. And you started making trouble, trying to change my decision. However, you know, we have a rule at home - we eat in the kitchen. Yesterday was an exception. You see, we all eat there. You made a scandal, realized that it was useless, and calmed down».