From the author: Of course, first of all, the family therapist should understand which couple came to the consultation: alive and dead? © Family psychologist Natalia Filimonova, 2019. All rights reserved. In other words, are feelings still simmering? If the couple is no longer alive, therapy is also indicated. In this case, it helps to realize that feelings can no longer be resurrected and to carefully, environmentally speaking, leave the relationship in order to remain parents of their children and save them from unnecessary trauma. Today we’ll talk about how you can kindle the weak flame of a lamp if feelings , still warm. So, people love each other and, at the same time, are very annoying. How does this happen? Some little thing, in the opinion of one of the spouses, can cause a flurry of indignation in the other. Aggression gives rise to reciprocal aggression - an escalation of anger begins. As a result, mutual dissatisfaction, resentment, fears appear. I will give an example. The husband said that the wife had recovered, and the woman responded by saying, that the husband earns little and off we go: “What about you?”, “Look at you!”, “What are you like?”, “Shut your mouth!”, “Fuck you...” And now, two, with Apparently, intelligent people went at each other hand-to-hand! There can be countless such examples: She: “You don’t help me with the children!” - He: “You sit at home all day!” He: “You are not developing spiritually!” - She: “Who will clean, wash, cook for me? You don’t want to pay for a nanny/au pair!” She: “All crests are stingy” - He: “All Ukrainians are slobs” He: “You can take a girl out of the village, but it’s impossible to take the village out of a girl” - She: “That “You’re a city sofa master!” She: “You’re ready to turn around at every skirt” - He: “Because you, as a man, always wear pants!” Why is this possible? The marital holon is a single organism. It includes people who had different upbringings and very different life experiences, not to mention the ethnic and social background of their parent families. Holon (English holon) is something that is both a whole in itself and part of something else .Each of the spouses has their own picture of the world: if for the husband, to say that his wife has recovered, is simply to state a fact, according to the principle, “what I see, I sing,” then for the wife this may be an “Achilles’ heel”, a trauma. She is already then he “finishes” his message with something like this internal monologue: “He said that I have gained weight, which means he considers me fat and ugly, which means that he doesn’t love me, but I gave him my best years, gave birth to and raised children, and always worked, but he was not grateful and always earned so little..." And for a husband, reproaching his wife for low earnings means that: "She doesn’t respect me, doesn’t value me as a man, doesn’t want me, despises me, mocks me..." At one of the sessions, I came up with the idea: regulate words and actions that can hurt with a special agreement. I just downloaded a “blank” marriage contract from the Internet and removed from it everything related to the financial component, movable and immovable property and everything that is not included in my “diocese”. How to fill out such an agreement? It’s very simple, like any other agreement. Name and surname of the spouses. Since when in the marriage. Responsibilities of the parties, for example: “drink alcohol no more than once a week and no more than one can of beer” or “do not call your husband a bore,” “do not force your wife to cook every day.” new soup, if there is yesterday’s soup left”, “hire a nanny”, “don’t use foul language”, “walk together at least 2 times a week”, “wear dresses and skirts”, etc. Penalties, for example: “three kisses ”, “diversify the menu”, “give a massage to your husband”, “pay for your wife for training on the development of femininity” Additional conditions, which can be anything Appendices and additional agreements - each also has its own P.S. The agreement has already been tested on several couples, and it works! The spouses are having fun and joking while composing it, which means that feelings are slowly returning. Read a selection of articles: Family counseling