One day a mother came to meet me with her son. The woman is tired and sad, and the boy is cheerful and cheerful. He is 4 years old. The peak of cognitive activity and incredible children's wisdom. He pulled my mother’s hand and asked her to leave. He so wanted to go for a walk on the street, and not sit and chat with an unfamiliar aunt. But mom had a bad relationship with dad in her life. Words such as joy and happiness have long been forgotten in the house. And love and harmony are generally concepts from another dimension, from another Universe, which at some point became inaccessible to this family. - Every day we quarrel, scandal, swear. One time he even tried to hit me. Previously, we tried not to swear in front of the child, but now we are not ashamed of him. “I don’t want to live with my husband, but I’m afraid that the boy will grow up without a father,” the young woman says guiltily. A very typical situation. For some reason, modern Russian families are under the deepest illusion that family, marriage is an easy, happy, harmonious life that develops by itself. Without participation, without hard work. This illusion can be compared with ideas about our body. For example, we do not follow the rules of a healthy diet, daily routine, do not do gymnastics, do not visit doctors and cosmetologists, but in some miraculous way we become more and more beautiful every year. “This can’t be!” you say. Maybe! Remember your student youth? We could dance all night in high heels, and the next morning our eyes sparkle with playful sparkles, and we ourselves are filled with light coquetry. Beauty, grace and lightness - this is youth! Likewise, in marriage - during the candy-bouquet period - our hormones, endorphin and oxytocin, block the centers of negative emotions and rational thinking, and it seems to us that happiness develops by itself. We love our spouse simply because he is there. We don't put any effort into our relationship. But when the cunning hormones fulfilled their mission, uniting us for procreation, we are suddenly faced with the true reality. And suddenly it turns out that in front of us is a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON. He doesn’t like family melodramas (and when we first met, he was the one who bought a ticket to the movie “Divorce, American Style”), he orders a medium-rare rare steak and a glass of beer (and on a romantic dinner he prepared the lightest diet salad with arugula). The illusion disappears and allow me to introduce you - this is your husband, and your happy harmonious couple has smoothly moved to one of the most difficult stages of family development - the stage of disgust-disappointment. That’s what psychologists conventionally called it. Although for me this is the stage of wisdom and deep self-knowledge. But let’s return to our mother, who with her husband have also now risen in their relationship to the level of “disappointment”, and both have only one desire - to separate as quickly as possible. During the consultation, the boy needed something to do, and I asked him to draw a fairy-tale family . Meanwhile, my mother was talking about their situation: the husband comes late, immediately lies down on the sofa, does not take care of the child, does not help with everyday life, and so on. She tried to influence through her mother-in-law, but she said that she was giving away a good son. Meanwhile, the boy drew a fairy-tale family, which depicted an elephant, a snake, a palm tree and the sea. Further dialogue is a demonstration of the psychological wisdom of our children. - Who did you draw? - The elephant and the snake are a family. They live together. But they constantly quarrel. - Why? - Well, the elephant likes to just lie down to rest, and the snake constantly hisses at him. And the elephant wants to run away from her, he is afraid that she will bite him. - Do the elephant and the snake have children? - Yes! - And where are they? I don’t see them in the picture. - They hid from the elephant with the snake behind a palm tree. They don’t like it when they fight. Mom listened to the boy and was ready to cry. Her son very subtly outlined the main problem of the family - mom and dad can’t agree, because they both speak different languages: one in elephant, the other in snake. - YouDo you agree that you are a snake? - Yes! It is so indeed. I can’t reach this lazy elephant! Have you tried to communicate with an elephant in a common language? Look, your elephant doesn't understand the snake's language. All he hears is shhhhhhhhhhh, razzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz of of it. (At this moment I deliberately hissed so that the woman would look at herself from the outside). But he doesn’t hear you! Why do I consider the so-called “disgust-disappointment” stage to be the wisest family stage? Because at this moment families learn to listen and hear each other. At this stage we lay the foundation of our relationship. And the foundation in a relationship is a system of agreements, which have one single goal - not to change the partner, but to understand and know what we should do when I cannot come to terms with his shortcomings. - Look, you are trying to make a snake out of an elephant, you are trying to cut off the trunk, remove ears, legs... But even after the operation, the elephant will remain an elephant, crippled, but still an elephant. All you need to do is stop being a snake with pretensions and become a woman, a wife again. Then the elephant will again turn into a man, a husband. - Just like in a fairy tale? - Yes. This is somewhat reminiscent of a fairy tale. - And how to turn into a woman? - This is a complex step-by-step process, but extremely effective. - The first stage. Realize, see, feel your deepest needs. Initially, families were created out of one need - security. Financial and physical security. What do you feel when your husband is lying on the sofa? - Anger? - And also? - Anxiety? - Why? - We have no money at home, but he is lying on the sofa. - That is, you are worried that your husband is lying on the sofa, because at this moment your need for security is not satisfied? - It turns out like this. - We get the first feeling of security from our parents. And then what role in your family do you assign to your husband? - Dads. - Maybe. The second task is to lay a new foundation for your family, where there are no complaints and reproaches, but there are agreements. “When I start to get angry, lose my temper or cry for no reason, you need to do the following with me - hug, kiss, say that you love me, make tea, buy beautiful flowers and sit next to me.” “If you are late, then be sure to call” and you need to explain why this is so important to you. “I’m worried and my milk might run out” or “I’m going to quickly stop loving you.” It is desirable that these agreements contain a touch of humor and lightness. “What will you do today?” I asked my mother. “If my husband is lying on the sofa, I will at least try not to quarrel with him.” And after dinner I’ll try to talk to him not like a snake and an elephant, but like a man and a woman. This young woman called me a couple of days later and said with surprise that “the elephant got up from the sofa.” I can assume that this family is surely rising to another stage of their relationship - “romantic lull.” But there a completely different story begins. Recommended films for therapeutic viewing: “Laughter is the best assistant in marriage.” (If you don’t have time to read a book with the same title, then take just 1 hour to watch M. Gangor’s performance. You are guaranteed 60 minutes of laughter throughout the whole house!) “A Story About Us”, “Love and Doves”, “Fireproof” , “Divorce in French”, “Divorce in American”, “Divorce in Italian”. Books to read: Geri Chapman. “The Five Love Languages” A successful marriage counselor highly recommends learning about your partner, clarifying his expectations, so that you can translate your feelings and emotions into his love language. This book has also saved many thousands of couples from divorce. Mark Gungor "Laughter is the best helper in the family" This book - a combination of brilliant humor and very attractive ideas - offers a lot of practical solutions for improving the modern marriage. Mark Gungor, by the way, is a close friend of the author of the book “Women are from Venus. Men are from Mars,” has worked with tens of thousands of couples whom he has helped keep their union from breaking up. And, as Mark himself writes, “You will be the leading partner in the dance that will lead you to a happy life with your partner.