AND WHY DO YOU NEED IT SO MUCH? One of the typical situations in couples counseling: one partner comes to counseling and begins to complain loudly about the other. By the way, there are also plenty of examples of similar requests on the forum. After a complaint about another, there is often a request for how to influence this other. I will leave outside the scope of this article that, in fact, this is called a “request about third parties” and it is not recommended to accept it as a working one. In this article I will reflect on what such a request provokes, as well as on what ideas will help not succumb to provocations. I will also consider possible options for what can be done useful for this couple. So, the more terrible the description of the behavior of this absent partner, the greater the temptation to ask: “Why do you need him like that?” And then give advice: “Leave him immediately, run away, you deserve better.” There may also be a great temptation for the new partner to feel sorry for him and to be indignant at the behavior of the second one, to be amazed at his meanness, his stupidity, his disorder, irresponsibility and other disgusting things. What ideas will help you avoid this? Idea #1: The idea that people are attracted based on similarity. And, if a couple has formed, and people stay together for a long time, it means that there is some kind of deep equality between them, which is not always noticeable at first glance. What could this equality consist of? Often, at the level of personality organization. In simpler terms, in the degree of “woundedness”. Many people with problems sometimes cherish the idea that a “healthier” partner may appear in their life, who will help them get out of the “swamp” into a brighter and more joyful reality. In reality, everything turns out differently. Because a mentally healthy person is not interested in a neurotic as a partner, he is looking for a mate among equals - an equally mentally healthy person. And a neurotic is not interested in the “games” of a person with a borderline personality organization. People who are approximately equal in the degree of their mental health (or non-health) are united in a pair. Let me give you an example: suppose one partner complains that the other drinks and smokes, while he himself claims that he is free from bad habits. When more information becomes available, it turns out that the first one has a supply of medicines at home for 5 years in advance and drinks a handful of tablets a day. That is, both are dependent. But being treated with approved drugs, which, moreover, are prescribed by doctors, is not considered a bad habit in society. Idea No. 2: both partners make an equal contribution to what happens in the couple, and, accordingly, bear equal responsibility for what happens. This idea causes great protest among clients who complain about their other half. And also sometimes difficult to accept by psychologists (not “family people”). In fact, the one who complains usually loses sight of his actions that precede the “not normal” behavior of the second, often he is simply not aware of them. For example, one complains about the aggressive behavior of the second. But, at the same time, he does not say that before this he morally “hit” this second one where it hurt most. And in general, he does this systematically. Or he doesn’t talk about the fact that he is actually a master of passive aggression (he knows how to ignore the other person very well, play “keep silent,” reject and frustrate the other one in his most important needs). The person who complains often sincerely believes that their behavior is normal and completely harmless. Or tries to present it that way. These two ideas are good for maintaining neutrality towards both partners, regardless of whether a couple or just one partner has come to you. What would be appropriate to do? In this article, I analyze the option when there is only one person from a couple in front of us, which means we can only work with him. And the work will be aimed at his personal changes. First step: clarify what his contribution is to what is now.