“My wife adores and cares for her 3-year-old son. She is in a hurry to satisfy his every whim. I'm not a fan of this. But how can we teach a child to achieve his own goals, how will will, fortitude, and the desire to go through obstacles to achieve his own goals be developed?” The issue of boundaries is one of the most pressing. This is not just a confrontation of views between the parties. How to express love without spoiling, instill independence and at the same time feeling a great desire to protect your own child from troubles, the best and most wonderful. All families are different, all parents are different, all children are different. Therefore, the first question is: “What exactly do you feel the need to follow (what to demand)? Determine for yourself (among the adults closest to you - husband, wife, grandparents) the necessary and important rules and restrictions (for example, do not stick your fingers into the socket, go to bed for your child at a certain time, etc.). The unity of requirements and objective necessity contribute to easier (spontaneous) agreement (“everyone does this” - remember yourself driving - “everyone goes and I do the same”). Requirements form. Below are options for different ages. Listen to yourself, what do you feel? Accusation: “Again you are not in bed! What are you even thinking about! How many times can you repeat! - Reaction: “... (just roar) I don’t want to, I won’t”, at an older age “stop yelling at me”, “I need to go to the toilet (eat...)” Calling names: “You’re jumping again (playing on the Internet)... . How many times can you repeat it? How irresponsible, stupid, disgusting, greedy you are...” - Reaction: “Leave me alone...” “Yes, I am like that...” “... (just hysterical)” (we give the child an instruction about what he is like). Threats: “If you don’t go to bed on time (you don’t do all your homework properly, then I’ll take your tablet away, won’t let you walk, put you in a corner.. (or even more...)" - Reaction: “I hate you!”, “ I will be glad when I leave the house!” “... (hysteria, protest)” Orders: “Immediately put away the toys (books, dishes)! Repeat as much as possible!” - Reaction: “I don’t want to and I won’t” , “Then...”, “... (ignoring)” Lectures. “I told you so many times, don’t move around at the table (don’t burp...” followed by long explanations - Reaction: “That’s what I want...”). , ignoring comparisons: “Everyone’s children are like children. Look, your brother behaves so well, he loves his mother and everything will be fine with him...” -Reaction: “I don’t believe her” “Leave me alone!” I hate her...” There are still many ways of influence in our arsenal: warnings (“If this, then that...”), ridicule, distrust, putting pressure on sacrifice (“I’ve done so much for you”), etc. In response, gloomy disobedience or obedience with feelings of guilt, anger at oneself or others. The above is well described in the book by A. Faber and E. Mazlish What to do? I think you already know the answer. A commanding tone, anger is charged with anger and protest. Therefore, calm down yourself, look at the situation from the outside. What can you do to be heard? What your child really wants is to talk to him on his wavelength, catch his eye, give him warmth. Remember the cartoon "Krosha Raccoon"? Take part in solving the problem. Describe the essence of the problem, the child’s feelings: “I see you want...”, Say from the position of your feelings, your self, “I want, not you...”: - I’m upset because... you promised me... - You know, I didn’t notice the time.. - That is. do you remember (will you do..." - Yes, I'm on my way When we receive information in a simple and respectful form, we agree faster. For parents of babies, the first thing to do: “Look at me..." Catch the child's gaze and give your loving and calm gaze It is important that the child feels unconditional love, this means that he is loved under any circumstances. How? Do not criticize actions, not the child as a whole, do not label him and thereby instill in him destructive attitudes (not “you are greedy!” ”, and “you’re kind!”), show faith in the child, his abilities, strengths. Give the opportunity to choose, express himself, independence. Help plan.