How to survive the loss of a parent? Quote by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross “Our fears do not stop death, they stop life” The loss of a parent is one of the most difficult things in a person’s life. Even if he had a bad, strained relationship with his parents, their death is still felt as a great loss, since there is no closer connection than with them. The first thing that the loss of every person’s parents faces is with the fact that life is finite and death awaits each of us. Second: in the death of our parents we mourn Ourselves. It's hard to accept, but there is a lot of selfishness in grieving for parents. We are angry that life is changing, that we are losing help and support, the opportunity to remain children. Through this awareness, we also grow spiritually. Psychologist Eric Berne wrote that in each of us there lives an Inner Parent, an Inner Adult and an Inner Child. So, our Inner Child does not believe that his parents can leave him (abandon him), and their death is perceived as a betrayal for him. This is exactly how we react to the death of loved ones with our childish part of the psyche: fear, bitterness, resentment, guilt, anger... The departure of parents is a natural, natural process of life. Moreover, this is the most powerful process of separation from parents. That is, the parents leave, the child continues to live - that’s the order. It’s much more difficult when it’s the other way around. Stages of experiencing grief So, there is a classic model of experiencing grief, described back in 1969 by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. Then they studied the condition of dying patients. You can read it to understand the state of a doomed person. Understanding provides the key to correct behavior. I will give you some recommendations, but only you can understand your neighbor better.1. The first stage of the reaction to grief, to loss, and to any unpleasant situation: shock and denial. We say: “No, it can’t be, I don’t believe it.” This is a psychological defense, an attempt to preserve the same life. The main feeling is fear.2. The second stage is anger, rebellion, protest: “I am against it, I don’t want this!” The main experience of this stage is aggression. It can be directed to the outside world, or it can be directed inward. In the second case, the risk of depressive conditions increases. This stage is characterized by the appearance of anger and resentment towards everyone involved in the situation: towards oneself, towards the one who died or fell ill, towards doctors and so on.3. The third stage is bidding. We are trying to agree: “what if here’s a little more, and what if we add/subtract more here.” An attempt to return, to correct. The main feeling is guilt.4. The fourth stage is grief itself, sorrow, despondency. Here you need to allow yourself to suffer, cry, and experience despair.5. The fifth stage is acceptance of inevitability and humility - as a refusal to fight to change the situation. Forgiving everyone. And myself. Sadness remains. The strength to live on appears. I draw your attention to the fact that we all go through these stages with any loss, with any trouble. Sometimes very quickly, without even really noticing. Sometimes getting stuck in each stage for a long time. These stages are a normal reaction of our psyche to a sad event. When we laugh, ironize and be sarcastic, this is a defense mechanism. When we deny and downplay the significance of losses, this is protection. This is how the psyche wisely protects us from going crazy. But after a break, we need to return to the situation and experience the feelings. Everything that is not lived through is forced out into the subconscious and remains there all our lives. You can assume that some of the experiences you have still not let go of can be done using a simple test: remember some of your loss, for example, you lost our beloved dog. Ask yourself a question - how do I still feel about this? And try to answer yourself honestly. It could be guilt for not going to the vet, it could be resentment that the parents took the dog to die in the forest, it could be fear of having new pets. Here is the answer: what feelings remain to this day - at this stage you are stuck in experiencing that very loss. It is normal when regret and sadness remain, and many joyful memories. It saysthat you have gone through stress and are moving on with your life. If you are in the process of a parent dying So, you have learned information that mom/dad is in mortal danger. Acceptance of this fact will occur in the stages described above. It is important to live and express feelings, unload and let go. Find someone with whom you can discuss your emotions or see a psychologist. Give yourself as much time as you need. If you have no one to share it with, you can write letters. Another way is to draw. In the drawing you will depict your feelings, be aware of them and let go. I emphasize that suppressing feelings leads to depression. If you want to help your parent, knowing that he is dying, it is important to be filled with acceptance and humility. If you are in denial or angry - how can you help? When we are afraid and fight, we start screaming. This is the law of the psyche: when fear becomes prohibitive, anger turns on as a defense. In anger, which one of you is a helper? A parent may want to discuss their funeral because it is important to them. Your task is not to fall into all sorts of “encouraging” things: “Stop, you still have time to live,” “Don’t be stupid,” and so on. The main thing is to treat the parent’s initiative with respect. For a person, this conversation can be really important. But in order to withstand such a conversation, you must be in acceptance and resourceful. Once again: if you find yourself in the process of dying of your neighbor, first aid is for you! Therefore, first of all, in order to live through the situation of death, it is important to be an emotionally and spiritually mature person. Or be in this adult pole. However, the feelings of your inner child must be accepted and understood, helping yourself by containing all experiences. You may encounter different feelings. The death of parents in many causes feelings that are difficult to accept. for example, relief may occur. Don't be scared or judge yourself. The death of a parent who has passed away after a long illness can cause such feelings. "I'm exhausted." Or another strong feeling is anger. Children may be angry with their parent for leaving. We work with such feelings this way: we recognize them in ourselves and try to forgive ourselves. It is important to talk them out and discuss them with someone who can understand you. It's normal to have these feelings. If you find it difficult to bear them, consult a psychologist. To make it easier to cope with your feelings towards your parent, we suggest doing an exercise and writing a series of letters. They will help you cope with resentment and anger towards them. The task is to come to gratitude for your life.1) 33 angry letters “Mom, I’m angry with you for...”2) 23 texts Mom, I forgive you for...”3) 13 texts “Mom, I thank you for...” The number of texts may not be exactly 33, this is a conventional figure. You need to write until you feel relief and liberation. After writing, it is useful to read these texts to someone who does not use this information against you or read it out loud on a burning candle. a feeling of completion: the fire burns away negativity, speaking removes muscle blocks in the throat, where our grievances are often hidden. Acceptance of death To accept the death of a parent, you need to accept the very fact of this phenomenon. The concept of God and the afterlife, faith, are very helpful in coping with the existential anxiety of the finitude of existence. .Phrases, thoughts that can help in this finality: - every death is a new birth; - cells die in us every day and new ones are born; - death is a transition from one state to another; - death is a new life. Through your acceptance After death, it will be easier for your parent to accept their situation. It is necessary to find a new format for your relationship even after your parents leave. I'll give you an example from my life. I told my mother: “Someday you will be there, upstairs, you help me from there, you will see everything there, you tell me the right decisions in my dreams. You will become my guardian angel! And it is very important for you to have time to forgive and let go of all grievances against your parents. Talk more, create situations,