From the author: Another perspective on dependent relationships... This time my focus is on such a phenomenon as hidden manipulation. I’m sharing...HOW TO STOP BEING A HANGER? The dolls are pulled by the strings, They have smiles on their faces...A. Makarevich Where there is fear and shame, spontaneity and naturalness are lost. There appears compulsion and a tendency to violence and manipulation. Author Human relationships are difficult, confusing and not always selfless. The desire to “ride” someone else at his expense is a fairly common phenomenon. I will not criticize here those who have such desires. Firstly, because they themselves mostly do it unconsciously. Secondly, so as not to relieve responsibility from those they “ride.” Ultimately, both of them fall into psychological traps https://www.piter.com/product_by_id/88027645, because “they don’t know what they’re doing.” And even the “offended” party in this kind of relationship has its own psychological bonuses, which are usually unconscious to them, but this does not make them any less valuable. In team sports there is a good expression about this - you play as your opponent allows. You can, of course, like Leopold the Cat - the character of the famous Soviet cartoon - hopefully remain in the attitude: “Guys, let’s live together!” But I think it’s hardly worth expecting that others will stop using you... Even in the cartoon, this call did not work until the Cat himself finally stopped this disgrace on the part of the mice. What makes us do what we don’t want? Why is it so difficult for us to refuse another? And most importantly, how to stop falling into “manipulation traps” skillfully set by others and stop “being a hanger” for others? HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN? If you look at this kind of relationship as a psychological phenomenon, then its essence is manipulation. According to E.L. . Dotsenko “Manipulation is a type of psychological influence, the skillful execution of which leads to hidden arousal in another person of intentions that do not coincide with his actually existing desires.” The important thing here is that the other person has no idea that he is being used, and even does it “of his own free will.” Manipulation can be conscious. In this case, the person – the manipulator – consciously commits manipulative actions towards his victim, knowing his weak vulnerabilities (buttons). Such vulnerable “buttons” can be: a tendency to gain the approval and recognition of others; fear of negative emotions; lack of independence and ability saying “no”; unclear self-awareness (with vague personal boundaries); low self-confidence; external locus of control; emotional dependence; etc. But much more often, manipulations are unconscious ways (patterns) of relationships. In this case, such relationships are complementary in essence and dependent in form. They are not realized by both participants in this process, are reproduced by them automatically and are perceived by them as familiar relationships. This will be discussed in my article. The basis for manipulation is a person’s personal deficiencies associated with his non-acceptance of any of his qualities, and due to this making him vulnerable in relationships with others. For example, for one participant, a difficult relationship is the possibility ask and thank. In his mind, asking and thanking someone means humiliating himself. For others, it’s hard to refuse. For him, refusal is associated with fear of rejection, or fear/shame of not being good. In this case, the expected dialogue between spouses could look like this: - Would you like to wash the dishes? (it is assumed that the “victim” has a burning desire to wash the dishes) - Yes. Of course, dear! Or, for example, someone believes that another “should”, and it is difficult for another to refuse because of the high level of obligation. In this case, the manipulative dialogue could be as follows: - We need to take out the trash... (the message seems to have no address, but in fact it is aimed at the spouse, burdenedsense of duty) - Now, dear... Direct appeals in this kind of relationship turn out to be impossible. If you directly ask for something, then: there is a danger of refusal; you will have to thank him later. But it seems like he didn’t ask, the other himself “volunteered” to do it, which means he “needs” it, so what is there to thank for? Don’t give in to This kind of manipulation is difficult, since the person being manipulated has a kind of personal readiness, even a need for it. And in this case, a person has no chance of not falling for manipulation. An example of how you can resist manipulation is the amusing dialogue between Professor Preobrazhensky - the hero of M. Bulgakov’s novel “The Heart of a Dog” - with people trying to drag him into manipulation: - I suggest you take several magazines in favor of the children of Germany. Fifty dollars a piece... - No, I won’t take it. - But why do you refuse? - Don't want. - You don’t sympathize with the children of Germany? - I sympathize. - Oh, do you feel sorry for fifty dollars? - No. - So why don’t you buy it? - I don’t want to... Here we see two attempts to “hook” the professor at once: for pity “You don’t sympathize with the children of Germany?” for greed “Oh, do you feel sorry for fifty dollars?” The answer of the professor, who does not fall for manipulation, is admirable: in both cases he answers briefly and clearly “I don’t want to.” I think for most people this answer is unrealistic. This could only be answered by a self-sufficient, self-confident person with a high level of self-acceptance, who does not need to explain anything, make excuses, or lie, but just need to say “I don’t want to.” WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN? Where do “hangers”, “hooks” come from? which others cling to us? The basis for this is fear/shame that you will be abandoned, rejected, not accepted... Such experiences are, as a rule, the result of traumatic relationships with loved ones. Some part of the Self in the process of such experience turns out to be unsupported or devalued by significant others; as a result, it is recognized as unnecessary for the Self and is rejected. How does this happen? The rejected part is “renamed” by the person himself into a negative-sounding one: healthy aggressiveness - into anger, thriftiness - into greed, sensitivity - into weakness... Another, polar quality of the Self arises as compensation in order to balance, hide the rejected part of the Self: “So that others don’t guess, that I am aggressive, greedy, sensitive...” A person finds himself forced to hide, hide this part from others. This can be done by demonstrating in every possible way the polar, compensatory part: “I am non-aggressive, I am not greedy, I am insensitive...” As a result, a person develops a distorted, disharmonious image of his Self and problems arise in accepting himself. Remember, “I’m not like that, I’m waiting for the tram...” I’m not like that... it’s a “hook” on which you can hang something, a vulnerable place for manipulation. The result of the work of such a mechanism is that some initially one’s own qualities become “conditionally” strangers. Conditionally, because they cease to be perceived by a person as parts of the Self, but at the same time they do not disappear anywhere from the Self. Thus, “Foreign territory” appears in the system of the Self, on which the Self cannot rely. Moreover, he must hide it in every possible way so that others, God forbid, do not realize that this is also me. This requires additional effort and energy. Personal boundaries in this place turn out to be vulnerable. Since this is “foreign territory,” then the borders here are permeable and unprotected. In this place, a person becomes vulnerable to manipulation by others. Here he loses freedom in choosing how to react. He cannot refuse another, stop him. Not able to say “No” to him. Where there is fear and shame, spontaneity and naturalness are lost. There appears compulsion and a tendency to violence and manipulation. This is where the Other appears, who intuitively senses such weak points of a person - his “blind spots” in the image of the Self. The Other, as a rule, is also vulnerable in some ways, but in some ways something different than his partner. As a rule, partners are not chosen for such relationships by chance: they compensate and complement each other. What I lack, my partner has in abundance, and vice versa.