From the author: published in the 2009 collection of articles “Relationships and Family. Current Issues.” Materials of the scientific-practical conference October 17-18, 2009 AS A WOMAN TO A WOMAN I ask you to excuse me in advance, men. I don’t know what it is to be a man and act based on this role. Almost each of us has been in the role of a daughter, wife and possibly mother. In any case, even if you are not performing these functions now, you are showing some desire to have them in your life. The purpose of my report is to share some thoughts from the books I have read, as well as reflections on the life of a woman in the family based on personal experience and practice. However, There are moments in life when you need to stop, pause and look into it. What is my inner world like? Or what is my inner world as a woman? I am 31 years old, married, raising a son. Each of the desired social roles exists. However, in reality, having a role and fulfilling it, as it turns out, are two different things. Wife... I’ve been married for the last 12 years, however, the understanding and conscious choice of a husband as a wife happened only 5 years ago. Thought 1. Not every registered marriage is a family. I read Nekrasov’s book “Shackles” maternal love”, where the key idea was not only the acceptance and choice of a spouse, but also his leading position in relation to everything else. It roughly looks like this: 1. I2. Husband3. Children4. Etc. Thought 2. The husband should be placed in first position in relation to the children. Studying the psychological literature on this topic, I find confirmation of this in the works of Hellinger when he talks about family orders. If a woman does not put her husband in the right position, she DOES NOT RESPECT him. What often happens if a man is not respected in the family, I will give an example. Example 1 Grandmother really asks for help. I gave my phone number where I could be contacted and a convenient time. At the appointed time, the conversation took place. I didn’t get my bearings right away. The grandmother talked about a squeezed, helpless grandson who really wanted help, only from a private psychologist. The word private psychologist is not natural for children. - Tell me, how old is your boy? - He will be 27. - Does he know about your intention to help him, that you are looking for a psychologist for him? - Yes.!!! - Are you convinced that he is so does he really want this? - Of course!!! - Please, give your grandson my phone number so that he can call himself at a time convenient for him. - Good!!! YOU know, he’s next to me, I’ll give him a pipe. - It’s not worth doing this now. I understand your concern about the health of your loved one, but we will follow the rules. Your grandson is over 18 years old. Thus, he himself must seek help. - Okay. (There was no call for a week). Often in families where peculiar relationships with men come to the fore, grandmothers come to the fore. And it doesn’t matter from which side. For some time I have been working in a Jewish organization, where everything is imbued with traditions and attitude. If we remember all the sacred books, then after the creation of the world and man, the Almighty created a woman. Loneliness was the first phenomenon that God did not like. Moreover, there are amazing moments in the same books. When describing a Great Man, they will definitely write the name of the woman who influenced him (usually his mother or wife). However, when they describe a great woman, they may or may not mention her name, but they will definitely write whose daughter she is and whose wife she is. In Judaism, a child and a mother must honor the respect and status of the father. But, if the parents are divorced, the child should treat them with equal respect. Example 2 Girl, 3.5 years old. Mom is concerned about her daughter’s behavior. Request: “I want her to obey dad and me unquestioningly. But she stopped obeying her friend Lizka.” Description of the case. Three meetings took place. The first time my dad brought me, although there was a prior agreement with my mom to meet. It turned out that the youngest daughter was ill and required care. Dad was surprised and puzzled that they would also have a conversation with him, hoping to just sit it out.Calm, balanced, reserved. During the first meeting, the girl looked at objects in the playroom. Every time I ask permission whether I can take it. My mother, a very bright, charismatic, active woman, came to the second meeting. I used a lot of phrases with the word should. The girl herself spent the entire meeting drawing suns on large sheets of paper. And she asked me: “do you like it?” For the third meeting, my dad brought me again. The girl spent the first half of the meeting drawing suns again. A conversation took place between us: - Do you like sunshine? - I don’t know, my mother says that I do best with sunshine. Can I take another leaf? - Yes, of course. Have you tried something else? (pause) - Mom likes the sun! - If you ever want to draw something else, I’ll help you. Okay? -Help me draw the sky and the grass, and I’ll draw the sun on them. I drew the background, both. And suddenly my little client began to tell a story about a girl who went for a walk to collect a bouquet for her mother. M. I saw that we don’t have flowers. - Please draw some flowers. M. Continued her story. “You can draw whatever you want!” “My girl wanted to poop.” She sat under a bush and a poop appeared. M. Passed a brown stick over the flower for mom. All our flowers, like the clearing, were covered in poop. At the same time, she closely watched my reaction. There was a lot of energy and fun in it. The poop broke out. Thought 3 NOT every woman is a mother. Example 3 Mom is 30 years old, raising two children. The eldest is 6 years old. -Ekaterina, last time you said that there is no need to beat your son. But I still beat him, I couldn’t stand it. So he listened to me. Walks like silk. Nobody complains about him. - They beat him badly. - No, this time there were no bruises. To say that this woman is a bad mother is incorrect. To say that she is stupid is not true. She is cruel - not exactly. She loves the child in her own way. But you CANNOT GIVE WHAT YOU HAVE NOT RECEIVED BEFORE. OTHERWISE, YOU TRY TO GIVE HIM DRINK FROM AN EMPTY CUP. In this case, she knows that they love her that way. Example 4 A 5.5-year-old boy came to visit on vacation grandmother from America. A wonderful, smart boy. Yes, it just burdens you with questions about why people live, why they die, where they go later. The difficulty was not that the child was afraid of death, but that adults were afraid to scare him. Children most often separate death from themselves through objectification. This is a natural ability of children. Today's children have comic books, Spider-Man, Batman, Catwoman. Immortal mutants. He really wanted to draw a predator who knows that he can kill. From the mother we learn intimacy, communication, the ability to keep distance: the mother shows us how to cope with failures, anxieties, unfulfilled expectations and not meeting the ideal, with loss and grief, many components of one’s emotional IQ is the part of the human soul that is responsible for success in love and work. However, the most important questions are: How our mother treats us. How we respond to her treatment of us. What we learn in our relationship with our mother affects all areas of our adult life. life. The first set of problems - with the feelings that we experience towards our mother with the insults and unmet needs she inflicted - determines the feeling of our past. The second row is the patterns and dynamics of relationships with our mother that we learned in childhood. This gives us behavior patterns that were laid down in the past, but are reproduced in the present. To live in peace with ourselves, we first of all need to find a person with whom we could be ourselves - this is the role of a mother. Another equally important task is to help the child learn to cope with these emotions, i.e. control what a child cannot control. The next task is to help the child become an independent person. Man is conceived as a part of humanity, as "we", but man is also conceived as an individual, as "I"; and must develop his personality and live his life. Quote: “A Roman matron asked the Rabbi»