At school, children are taught to read, write, count, do crafts and are helped to learn a bunch of other useful skills, except, perhaps, the most important one - communication skills. The child learns what to say, how and when from his parents, often adopting the most ineffective and dysfunctional models. No matter how strong the feelings between lovers are, their relationship becomes conflictual only because both do not know how to correctly express their thoughts. So, what kind of destructive communication models can radically ruin family relationships: Obligation. The “You must” attitude is often inherited: “You must study well”, “You must help your mother” turns into “You must provide for me” or into “You are my wife, so you must agree with me in everything.” Such phrases create the feeling that a person has no right to choose, which causes the exact opposite reaction: “I don’t owe you ANYTHING at all.” The result is sabotage, that is, complete disregard of one’s responsibilities or agreements. Over-generalization. Phrases filled with fatality “You always”, “I never”, “Everyone does this”, “Everything is always wrong with you”, well demonstrate how a one-time negative situation or mistake becomes a reason for many years of reproaches. Because of one mistake, a whole “chest” of reminders can be formed of how, when and under what circumstances a person made a mistake or made a mistake. And thus “I didn’t wash the dishes 1 time, forgot to buy milk 1 time, refused to take out the trash 1 time” turns into “You never help me around the house!” Prediction. Negative future scenarios are manifested in the phrases “You will definitely mix everything up”, “Let me do it myself, as always, you will do it wrong.” Such statements not only themselves increase the risk of failure, but also create in a person the feeling that he is considered helpless, worthless, a good-for-nothing loser. In the family, we want to receive not reproaches, but support and gratitude. Reading thoughts. This communication breakdown is perfectly illustrated by the famous quote, “If you have to explain, don’t explain.” I don’t know where the stereotype came from that close people should understand each other without words, but I’m sure that many couples have broken up because of it. “I won’t tell him anything, let him guess what I want for my birthday/why I was offended/why do they put magazines with wedding dresses everywhere, etc.” In this case, the advice works well: “For a person to understand you, you need to speak with your mouth in your ear,” and not hope that your spouse will reveal extrasensory abilities. By the way, if you cannot directly express your thoughts or wishes, then this is a topic for reflection. The reason could be both fear of judgment and fear of rejection. Double messages. It is considered one of the most toxic forms of communication because it is based on contradictions and paradoxes, thereby causing a feeling of disorientation and helplessness. There are several types of double messages: Evaluation messages: “You didn’t put on makeup again” vs. “Where are you dressed up like that?” Messages-demands: “You should earn more” vs. “Stop constantly disappearing at your job.” Comparison messages: “Look at your friend Katya, she manages everything: at work, with her children, and with her husband” vs. “Your friend Katya is also... And you copy her.” This is not a complete list of negative schemes. To the list you can add ignoring, changing the topic, communicating through third parties, etc. It is important to understand that the quality of the relationship largely depends on what you say, how you listen and how you react. These skills need to be learned.