... every conversation a person complains about how hard life is for him, and also makes comments along the lines of “But everything is easy for you, and you’re generally lucky in life”? Like this I was asked an interesting question recently. Let me share my thoughts and recommendations: I will be glad if it is useful to someone. If you have such situations and they depress you, irritate you, make you angry, etc., then most likely you yourself do not like to “whining”, but prefer solve your problems without unnecessary chatter. Why do I think that you don’t like to complain?! Yes, simply because if two complainers meet, they usually get great pleasure from the conversation, competing to see which of them is more unhappy, or reduce internal stress by pouring out their sorrows to each other. And so I imagine the two of you sitting together, communicating. Your interlocutor begins to complain once again about how bad everything is, how difficult the work is, how the children are annoying, how all their nerves are frayed. I assume that you, still inspired at first, begin to offer him life-saving recipes: “Don’t worry, everything that is done is for the better!”, “We need to do this and that…”, “I had this happen and everything was resolved when I…". Or, perhaps, this is not the first time you have had such conversations, and you are already tired of listening to complaints and seeing that your interlocutor ignores your recommendations. And then you switch to heavy artillery and begin to hint to him that maybe he himself is to blame for his troubles?! In any case, your interlocutor does not receive the support for which he actually applies. After all, why does a person complain? It’s right that he should be pitied! And if your interlocutor just needs to be listened to, patted on the head and told “Poor thing, how bad you feel!” And how do you live with this?!”, then all your practical recommendations and appeal to his responsibility are like a poultice for a dead person. He himself just begins to get irritated because of your callousness and stupidity (yes, yes, you don’t understand him) and in response he gives you the notorious: “It’s good for you to say: you have...” and there is a wide field of possibilities: and at work they pay a lot, and your boss loves you, and your husband helps you around the house, etc. etc. This probably bothers you even more, and off we go: you both get angry and offended, and no one gets pleasure from communication. Or you remain tactfully silent and continue to listen, due to which the complainant receives his share of satisfaction, which definitely cannot be said about you. But one of the main goals of communication is pleasure, so the next time a logical question arises: why do I need this?! So in the question “How to behave if a person complains all the time?” it all depends on your goals and situation. 3 main options come to my mind: 1. interlocutor - your loved one, with whom you have a lot of good connections, and you want to maintain a warm relationship with him; 2. interlocutor - your acquaintance with whom you periodically encounter in the same company, at work, at study, etc. and you would like to maintain more or less comfortable friendly relations with him; 3. interlocutor - your acquaintance who has clung to you like a beautiful crying vest, but you do not want to communicate with him. The first and most important thing to do in all three situations: come to terms with the fact that you cannot change the complainer! You can NOT force him to take responsibility and take action! You can NOT make him happy! Stop saving him and get busy meeting YOUR needs! And now for each individual point. 1. The complainant is your loved one with whom you want to maintain a warm relationship. That is, your main need here is a feeling of closeness with him. How can you achieve this? Understand his position, accept that he is not going to change and rush to act, allow him to complain, because in this way he relieves stress, find ways to provide him with emotional support without practical recommendations. For example, you can sometimes talk about your experiences and difficulties with that you encounterthemselves, and sometimes even get involved in the game and complain a little: this, by the way, can be very pleasant. Periodic complaints will not make you a spineless person, but will only help relieve unnecessary tension before action. In addition, by discussing your similar experiences with a loved one, you can set an example: “Yes, I understand you. It's so terrible when your boss suddenly changes his mood! This happens to me too, last time he tore my work to smithereens, just because he got off on the wrong foot. I was so upset! And now I’m thinking: what to do? I’ll probably correct the work just a little and take it to him again. I know it's well made. And I think he won’t even notice that nothing has changed!”.2. The complainant is an acquaintance of yours with whom you would like to maintain more or less comfortable friendly relations. That is, your main need is related to maintaining relationships in a group of friends, colleagues, classmates and minimizing involvement in emotional contact with this acquaintance. How can you achieve this? Actually, the answer lies in the description of the needs: find a balance between sometimes satisfying his need to complain (listen to him and have pity), and sometimes, when this is completely unbearable for you, leave communication. Imagine and come up with as many ways as possible how you can do this? For example, if you are visiting, you can apologize and say that you need to help the hostess clear the table or involve one of your friends with whom you would like to chat more in the conversation. Or, when confronted with a complainer in the work kitchen, slap yourself on the forehead and say, “Oh God, how could I forget: I urgently need to call my mom. Then we’ll agree!” etc. etc.3. The complainant is an acquaintance of yours with whom you do not want to maintain a relationship. Thus, your need is to get rid of his presence and, accordingly, complaints. How can you achieve this? There are two main ways: talk directly or, whenever possible, use the “exit communication” techniques indicated in the previous paragraph to discourage his desire to complain to you. If you want to dot all the i’s, this can be done in a frank conversation. This does not mean that you should tell the person how much he infuriates you and that you consider him a loser who is wasting his and your time. Correctly formulate the reason why you cannot devote time to him now, for example, you are now very busy with school and work, and tell about it: “I am pleased that we know each other. And it’s even more pleasant that you trust me, because it’s so difficult for you now. But, you know, I am now very busy at work and school, and I have absolutely no strength and resources to share these difficulties with you. All I can do now is drink beer after work in front of the TV to relax. Excuse me, come on, when I have more strength, I’ll get in touch again!” Just remember: you shouldn’t deceive or say nasty things about a person behind his back. This will definitely not lead to anything good! If you are not ready for such a frank statement, use methods of “exiting communication” (see point 2), which allow you not to give visible reasons for being offended, but to show the person that his communication is not a priority for you. At the same time, in any case, you must be prepared that one day he will press you to the wall and ask: “Is it just me, or are you avoiding me?” And blatant lies are unacceptable here, as they will only confuse your life even more. In general, my main recommendation is that when choosing a strategy for behavior, remember your needs and goals and accept that the complainers get as much pleasure from their “whining” as it does to you from successfully resolving the problem. And they, by the way, have the right to do so. And you, in turn, have the right to decide whether you need such communication and, if so, why? Share, how do you communicate with complainants? Or maybe you yourself are a complainant? :-)PS At the end, I want to turn to you with a request: if, while reading this article, you thought about it, you learned:-)