You thought that you had found your one and only, who is incapable of betrayal and lies. You were confident in your love and family well-being, but suddenly, like a stab in the back, betrayal bursts into your life and divides it into before and after. You will never be the same again, that's for sure. What to do when your heart is broken and your life loses its meaning? Betrayal by a loved one is one of the most powerful stresses we can face in our lives. This is a huge emotional trauma and tragedy for the whole family. The world in which you lived calmly before this news collapsed in an instant. I want to escape from the cruel reality into the world of dreams and illusions, but unfortunately, this is impossible and it is necessary to look for a way out of this situation. If you just recently found out about your partner's betrayal, then most likely you are now in a state of shock. In this state, you are unlikely to be able to make adequate decisions. The shock stage lasts from 3 to 14 days, it is different for everyone. This is the most acute, painful and difficult period. The first and most important advice: Don’t sort things out now, take a break, give yourself a little time to come to your senses. The worst has already happened. And in order to make an adequate decision, you need to restore your strength and find inner balance. Yes, I know it's difficult. Nerves to the limit. Take your time! Give yourself as much time as you need! You will always be at home, and no one but you will take better care of you. You are now in disarray and until you recover, you will only harm yourself by sorting things out. Imagine that you are a well and there is water inside you. Water is your vital emotional forces. The news of betrayal is stressful, and any stress, in order to cope with the whole storm of feelings, requires a lot of emotional costs. Therefore, with the news of betrayal, these emotional forces begin to be drawn from the well by our body, and each of us has our own limit of strength. If you now begin to sort things out and fuss, this will only lead to an even greater loss of strength. Therefore, the first thing I recommend to you now is to restore your strength after surviving a state of shock. And after that, after weighing all the PROS and CONS, clearly determine what YOU really want: to forgive and return your husband, saving your family, or to get a divorce and build a new relationship. And only when you understand what YOU really want, I recommend that you start a conversation with your husband. Recommendations for living through the shock stage - the first days after betrayal (lasts from 4 to 14 days) With the news of betrayal, a flurry of thoughts and emotions hits us. Our body, in order to somehow cope with all this, goes from a normal state to a state of shock. Our body, emotions and mind are interconnected, and they help us survive a crisis and restore balance. No one has ever taught us what to do with emotions, even in a normal state. Our parents did not prepare us to experience stress; we were taught to overcome other difficulties in different ways, but often these methods only do harm under such stress. As a rule, we are advised in any crisis situations not to be upset, to smile, not to allow pain to penetrate into the soul, to repress and deny it. We are shamed for showing emotions, taught to control ourselves, to hide our tears. Some people offer to knock out wedges with wedges - to take revenge, others prefer to seek salvation in alcohol. I’ll say right away that none of the above helps. I offer you another way. To come to a healthy relationship, you will have to work hard on yourself, but this is the path that will return you to a full, happy life. So again about emotions. If we have not been taught to feel emotions, our body helps us experience them. What happens to the body in a state of shock? It tenses, all muscles are in hypertonicity. At this time, so-called muscle clamps are formed. As a result, fluid cannot move freely throughout the body. You may not really feel it right now, but as a rule, sooner or later all these pressures will make themselves felt.Muscle tension from stress subsequently causes many health problems: oncology, stomach ulcers, women's diseases and all psychosomatics. Those. our suppressed and unlived emotions accumulate in our body and after some time lead to health problems. The simplest thing you can do for yourself. Sit or lie down comfortably, relax, put your hand on your stomach and start breathing, breathing deeply - so deeply that the hand at the bottom of your stomach begins to rise. What will happen to you? Tears will come, most likely your heart will hurt, you will experience mental pain. Cry and breathe, breathe deeply. You know, many people come to me for consultations who have never encountered psychology and do not assume that breathing can and should be done differently. People, frozen in terms of feelings, breathe only up to the throat, and there is a compressed lump. You need to breathe deeply - up to the chest, and then to the stomach. Breathe! This is how we go into feelings, this is how we experience pain. If you want to cry, cry. No wonder they used to call mourners to mourn grief. And you really have a lot to mourn. Mourn the years we lived together. Mourn broken hopes and dreams. Mourn the infringed female or male dignity. Mourn the betrayal. Mourn the pain this person caused you. I know that it is not customary for us to cry, especially for men, but I know for sure and believe that if you run away from negativity, you are thereby running away from a very important part of yourself. You need to call upon all your strength and let your feelings pass through yourself. This is the path to integrity, to awareness, to wisdom and maturity. I know that “feeling” feelings is a huge job. It is easier to relieve stress in the traditional way - alcohol, overeating, immersion in work, antidepressants, some kind of vigorous activity and fuss, just to take your mind off your worries. I understand perfectly well that it is difficult to immediately go into feelings, without preparation and support. To relieve tension in your body, go to the bathhouse and get a massage. Personally, after one colossal stress (the child had spinal surgery), I recovered only thanks to 10 massage sessions and several trips to the bathhouse. The fact that I had severe overstrain was indicated to me by a neurologist whom I visited at the sanatorium. The doctor asked me to close my eyes and touch the tip of my nose with my left and right hands. When I did this, I realized that my hands were shaking. So try to do the same. Stand up, close your eyes, extend your two arms in front so that they are parallel to the floor and touch the tip of your nose with your left and right hands. So how is it? If you have no contraindications for health reasons, then a good massage and bath will help you recover a little. There are breathing practices, I love it very much - Osho Chakra Breathing, which personally helps me a lot with stress. Do shaking, get up and shake your whole body: from your ears to your toes. And again about feelings. Yes, it’s painful and offensive, and much more. But believe me, many people have already gone through this. And I believe in you! You can do it too! There is light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, it's difficult! Yes, it hurts! And the more you loved him, the stronger the pain will be. But that's the price of love. And sometimes, only after feeling the pain and fear of losing another person, we understand that this person is not indifferent to us and is dear to us. The first time after betrayal is the most difficult, you are dying from pain and betrayal, you need to cry and talk it out. Sometimes ask yourself the question: “What am I crying about now? What are my tears about? This will help you become aware of your feelings. Or maybe it’s like one of my friends said: “I keep crying and crying, I’m already tired of myself, and it’s not helping.” By answering these questions for yourself, you will quickly come to an understanding of your experiences. Believe me, 10 women faced with betrayal will each cry about their own. One from powerlessness and anger, another about lost years, the third - that she did so much for him, and he devalued everything, the fourth from betrayal, the fifth from confusion andmisunderstanding of how to live with this now, the sixth from resentment and confusion - what should she now say to her friends and mother, the seventh about trampled honor and dignity... And be sure to find people who will support you at this time, you don’t need advice, you need sympathy. When you have cried all your tears, you yourself can decide what to do next. So don't listen to others. This is your life and no one else's, and only you know what it feels like to be betrayed, and only you know whether you can forgive or not, stay with him or not. This is your family, this is your relationship, you know him as a person, and only you can decide what to do in this situation. Yes, it can be easier to do what your mother or friend, or a smart book, or Elena Lavrinenko says. But you are an adult woman and this is your life! And if I say - do this - and you listen to me, it turns out that I know better how you should live. This is a parent-child relationship! I can give you recommendations, advise techniques, and by applying them you will survive the most acute condition, put your soul and heart in order, and be able to make the right decision on what to do next and how to live. And take your time, give yourself time to put everything in its place. Now you have a fresh mental wound and you need a certain period of time to take care of yourself and heal it a little. Now a lot of mental energy goes into this. You yourself will feel the strength to make one decision or another. Trust yourself and your body. Perhaps this is the event that will lead you to God. As they say, there would be no happiness, but misfortune would help. Have you interacted with him for a long time? Ask God for help and support. A Protestant minister taught me this. I asked him a question: “Tell me, after all, the parishioners are all different, and some can make you angry, how do you deal with this?” - You know, when I start to feel irritated with one of the parishioners, I ask God for support. I tell him: “Lord, I’m just a person, and I can’t cope with my irritation and anger, help me, take it away from me.” And God helps me and takes away negative feelings from me. So you can ask God for protection in this difficult time. Ask him to help you get through this pain, so that there are people nearby who can simply listen, sympathize and empathize, who will surround you with care and support, because you really need them now. I’m writing this article about tears and pain, and suddenly I realize that there are women who haven’t cried for years. I was like that myself when I first got into psychology. Yes, I also had a ban on tears. I was simply frozen in terms of feelings. Dear women, female nature is about feelings and emotions! Crying is normal and even right. We were taught to be smart, successful, determined, but these are masculine qualities. And we are women, and I call you to the women's world - the world of feelings and emotions. Have a cry. I know that life has forced many to control everything, to be successful, energetic, and adamant. Since you are on this site, it means that what you did did not help and led you to this result. I invite you to take a different path that you may not have taken before. And first, cry, I think you will find something to cry about. These are recommendations for the first time after betrayal. We will discuss in more detail how to survive betrayal and what to do in the free webinar: “My husband’s betrayal. What to do? How to survive?” PS And it’s normal to take breaks to think and put yourself in order! Tell your husband to his face: - I’m not ready for a serious conversation right now, I need time to think about everything and make a decision. - This is normal! The wisest thing now is not to sort things out, but to hide and wait, to come to your senses. Step back from everything and give yourself time to realize what happened. Now is the best time to deal with your pain and get rid of it. Please leave comments about what you liked and what was valuable to you in this article! With respect and faith in you, Elena Lavrinenko, psychologist,/