What are expectations? Expectations are some assumptions about the future behavior of oneself and other people. Expectations are created through should. The more demands we have on ourselves and on others, the more angry and disappointed we will be when these demands are not met. It's a shame that our demands usually do not change reality in any way, but only cause additional suffering, because they do not help ACCEPT reality as it is. Expectations often contain much deeper meanings than we think. Expectations are often ways to hide our deepest beliefs about ourselves and others. To recognize these beliefs, we can ask ourselves: “What else?” “What happens if I/he/they stop meeting expectations?” And here the most interesting part begins: For example: - My husband SHOULD give me flowers! - And if this doesn’t happen, what will it mean for you? - This means that he doesn’t love me and has never loved me. Or this example: - I must always be on top, I must always succeed in everything, I must never make mistakes. - What if this is not so? If you stumble, then what? *...short silence, tears...-This will mean that I am good for nothing and absolutely useless. Those. expectations are not “happening”, but completely natural rules of life that correspond to our experience. However, it is useful to sometimes reconsider your experience and form more flexible beliefs about yourself, for example: “The fact that my husband did not buy me flowers is perhaps an annoying fact, but this does not mean that he does not love me. He made wonderful scrambled eggs for me and always supports me in difficult situations.” “I can make mistakes, rest, screw up, be late, because I am a living person. And if this happened, it doesn’t mean that I’m a terrible person. These facts only indicate that I am simply a LIVING person.” When we understand that if expectations do not come true, this has nothing to do with our personality, as a rule, the severity of the experience is greatly reduced. Now let's discuss technical aspects. What can you do about your own expectations? 1. Make a list of expectations: write down all your requirements on paper: - The husband MUST be a romantic; - People MUST not be late; - Parents SHOULD listen to me; etc. 2. Reformulate REQUIREMENTS into PERMISSION: - Yes, I would like my husband to give flowers more often; - Yes, I would like people to come on time; - yes, I would like my parents to support me. And we can also admit our regret if this does not happen: - an unpleasant fact if this happens, but I can survive it. 3. Communicate a SPECIFIC request in a soft form: ❌I would like you to be a romantic✅I would like to receive flowers from you; ❌Why can’t you come on time?!?!✅I would like you to come to the meeting at the appointed time, punctuality is important to me; ❌You don’t understand me at all✅I would like it if when I ask, you would say words of support or hug me. ⚠An important point: a request DOES NOT MEAN the obligation of others to do as we want. When we ask, it means that we are prepared for the possibility that we may receive a refusal (otherwise this is a requirement). And the fact that loved ones don’t do as we want, don’t fulfill all our expectations, this doesn’t mean that they don’t love us at all, maybe we just have different love languages.