From the author: the article will be useful for men and for the women who love them) Recently, a 29-year-old client approached me with a request to change jobs. By his age, he already had excellent knowledge of English, professional achievements, and was in good standing with his superiors. But recently he began to be haunted by the feeling that he was moving somewhere in the wrong direction. An acute feeling of unfulfillment, irritability, and depressed mood led to the desire to change careers. However, this readiness was accompanied by complete ignorance of what exactly he wanted, with fears of making the wrong decision. After independent attempts to find myself, passing a bunch of career guidance tests and talking with different people about new employment, clarity did not come. That’s how he ended up in my office. Research results show that in the period from 25 to 30 years, every second man experiences one of his first age-related crises. The story I shared is a classic example of what a man faces during this period. This incident prompted me to write this article. 30 years is a kind of milestone, a transition from youth to maturity. As children, we all knew exactly who we were, where we were going, who we wanted to become, and what we needed to be happy. Over the years, under the pressure of circumstances, many people become lost and cease to understand who they are and why they need what is happening to them in life. This is the time when a person becomes especially vulnerable. At this age, a man experiences a reassessment of values, or, more precisely, a complete collapse of some followed by replacement by others. Clouds of thoughts crowd in my head: why am I living? what is all this for? What have I achieved? Have I realized my full potential or not? These questions, worthy of an ancient tragedy, are disturbing, haunting, depriving sleep. Frederic Beigbeder said well about this period: “At twenty years old I thought that I knew everything about life. At thirty it turned out that I knew nothing. For ten years I spent to find out something that will later have to be thrown out of my head." A man is by nature a breadwinner and society places very high demands on him. Therefore, at the age of 30, a guy begins, voluntarily or involuntarily, to think about what trophies he has, what peaks he has conquered, what victories he has won, what he has actually achieved, how he can report to society and himself? And these thoughts are not always pleasant. It is then that the first thoughts about missed opportunities, unsuccessful choices and wrong decisions may appear. Often, by the age of 30, the most important steps have already been taken, and it is not always possible to change something: get a different education, change jobs, marry someone else. This can cause fear and panic: what if what I did before was fundamentally wrong, and I'm moving in the wrong direction, wasting time? These feelings are quite difficult to experience, so you would rather run away from them, distract yourself, than accept and analyze them. This is where the first snag lies. If a person lives through his crisis passively, playing computer games, being distracted in some other way, but not solving the main problem, the task of the transitional age of 30 remains unsolved. The desired and necessary changes do not happen. In fact, this period is worth paying attention to, because the consequences can sometimes be very sad. In general, the symptoms of a crisis of 30 years in a man may be a bad mood for no apparent reason, isolation, refusal to communicate, general physical weakness, problems with his wife , if it exists, quarrels and serious conflicts. The consequence of the crisis may be a change in lifestyle. For example, leaving the woman he loves, quitting one job and moving to another, a radical change of activity, moving. In fact, what motivates a man at the moment is nothing more than the desire to understand himself, redefine his life priorities, and find answers to the question: “How to live further?”. The second important feature: a man on the threshold of his thirties begins to compare himself with hismale peers, with classmates, peers. Fortunately, social networks provide all the opportunities for this. Comparison criteria: how does he look compared to them? What have they achieved and what have I achieved? In our society, success is usually associated with professional or social activity. Therefore, a man begins to evaluate himself harshly, using generally accepted symbols: a car, his own apartment, a prestigious career, a good salary. That is, these are mainly criteria of a financial and professional nature. At such a moment, the facts that you can be successful in your private life are rarely taken into account. For example, to be a good father or to do what you love, although not highly paid. This is not so glorified by society. On the other hand, professional success, unfortunately, also does not provide guaranteed protection from a crisis, since a person’s plans can be very, very grandiose. It is also important to note that in a crisis of thirty years a man is looking for reinforcement of his successful social status not so much from women as from mature men whom he respects; the father figure is especially important here. It is this kind of support that is necessary in order to feel yourself also successful and also mature. The next important point is that at the age of 30 a man experiences the so-called first blow to his male identity, when he feels that in some way, somewhere he does not meet the expectations of society and his parents. And the desire to conform to traditional stereotypes during this period is great. At the same time, his success in his personal life is also assessed: is he married or still single? Relatives can also “add fuel to the fire”: “You are already 28, and you still haven’t gotten married.” Doubts about your male viability begin to creep into your soul, and the thought appears that you may need to get married urgently. Another important point. Like women at this age, men also have increased anxiety about their physical shape. It is by the age of 30 that someone already has a beer belly or the first health problems. His appearance is compared with his peers or classmates: how much does his physical form meet the ideals of masculinity, strength and attractiveness? There may suddenly be a desire to engage in fitness, to join a gym. Sometimes a man never finds a way out of the crisis of his thirties. The feeling “something in life is not going at all the way you dreamed and wanted” remains inside. In this case, some men begin to outwardly imitate the behavior of the so-called “alpha males.” That is, in essence, a substitution occurs: instead of reinforcing their image of a man with real content, they begin to portray a man through the so-called negative identity. They begin to assert themselves and save their self-esteem by acting despotic towards women. After all, a woman is the second source of confirmation of male identity after recognition from other men. And the third problem that a young man may feel during this period is powerlessness due to the fact that the world refuses to play by your rules. By the age of 30, you come to the realization that this is not so, that you often have to make compromises, even retreat on some issues. For example, for the sake of professional success or the well-being of his family. All these circumstances lead a man to a difficult choice: what is really worth dedicating his life to? The understanding comes that he will not be able to pay due attention to all his interests, there is not enough time and energy for everything, so he needs to choose what he will really do and how he wants to live. What to do during such a period? In the troubled time of crisis of 30 years, it is best for a man to temporarily change his type of activity, try himself in something that he has long dreamed of. But it’s better to do this not in radical ways like quitting your job, but by doing something in your free hours. Even if the work is completely unbearable, it is still better to give yourself a month. And during this time, clearly decide everything, try to somehow change working conditions, weigh all the pros and consagainst. Active recreation in some unfamiliar places also helps a lot to survive this period, where you can gain new impressions, change your usual background, and also weigh your values, analyze your victories and achievements, and reflect on your mistakes. In general, no matter how abstract this may be It sounded like you should try to change something in yourself, start dreaming about something, set yourself a goal, find value in simple, familiar things. And if, after all the attempts, you can’t cope on your own, then it’s better, of course, to turn to a specialist. And here I would like to return to the very beginning of the article. Men of 30 years old come for consultations mainly with a request for some changes in their career. This is actually a very important question, because if a woman can somehow assert herself, self-realize in the role of wife and mother, then for a man it is the social environment that is very important, that is, fulfillment in the profession. Therefore, decisions to change careers are often made during this period. Usually it sounds something like this: “It became clear to me that I needed to choose one thing. It’s important for me to set priorities and understand where to move next. On the other hand, I’m afraid to make the wrong choice again and waste time.” Where is the optimal way out of the troubled times of the thirty-something crisis? Based on client experience, I can say that it lies at the intersection of two planes. 1) At 30, it’s really worth reconsidering your values, goals, priorities and life aspirations. The time has come to understand: what of what was imposed by society, parents, and significant others is really worth continuing. A serious reassessment of values ​​must occur, as a result of which a person either leaves everything as it is, but voluntarily, or finds new ideals. 2) It is important to be very clear about your occupation and the way of life that you plan to lead in the future. It’s great to work during such a period and create a vision for your future life, to pave some clear path to your future goals. This is the period when it is useful to think strategically. A good, detailed, values-based vision motivates in itself, helps to understand the prospects for one’s development, sets direction, and allows one to cope with uncertainty and anxiety. It’s also great to create a personal development plan for 3-5 years, taking into account your strengths and experience. I would like to note one more point. When comparing yourself to others, it is important to remember where you started. After all, everyone’s starting positions are different. One and the same result can be achieved as if by play, but for another it will become a real victory and mobilization of all available resources. This is why, in my opinion, self-support is so important during this period. Others do not know what doubts, obstacles, fears, unfavorable circumstances you had to go through in order to find yourself in today and become who you are at the moment... For self-support during this period, awareness techniques are very useful, allowing you to feel better about yourself, your body, what happens in life. They perfectly balance the nervous system. It is also useful to work with anger, techniques for managing anger, which can often appear in response to a feeling of powerlessness. To summarize, I would like to say the following. 30 years is an era of change. This is the first serious revision of my life, an attempt to evaluate what I have achieved over the past years. This is the time when, after reassessing values, new, inspiring guidelines are chosen. Therefore, it is more important than ever that during this period someone is nearby, takes your side, shares new hobbies, helps you change! After all, the most interesting things are just beginning!) In the words of Tony Parsons, author of “Man and Boy, or the Story Continued” “: “This is what a thirty-year-old should be like: matured, but not disappointed, settled in life, but not self-satisfied, worldly wise, but not so much as to throw yourself under a train! This should be the best time of your life!” As always, I will be glad to receive yours. comments!) I invite you to the project “So that the eyes