How does a person feel when his significant other leaves him? Loss, misunderstanding, loss of self-confidence – and that’s putting it mildly. Finding themselves in such situations, people describe their condition as if a huge concrete slab suddenly fell on them and crushed everything that they had tried with incredible effort to build in their lives. Let's look at one case from my practice, which is very typical of situations when you have to get out of depression after someone in a couple takes responsibility for breaking up the relationship. So, the story is this. There was a heroine, quite a successful woman, and there was her husband, who played the role of a “dog in the manger,” which aggravated his wife’s already depressive state. Then, as you understand, the man left the family. But when the ex-husband himself was in no hurry to completely disappear from my client’s life, thereby exacerbating her depressive state. The woman met her future husband back in her school years, and even then the man made attempts to leave her, but at the same time retained his best feelings with her. caring fatherly relationship. She always liked his tutelage and constant concern about his girlfriend’s mood. So much so that she did not want to let him go under any circumstances, even when she found out that for the last two years of his married life with her, he had a parallel civil family in another city. The latter circumstance was a terrible blow, perceived as a betrayal on the part of the husband. In fact, both in this couple behaved like manipulators who do not love each other so much as they want it to be better for them. So, in her youth, the girl threatened the man that she could not live without him and asked him not to leave her. The husband, despite all the fact that he saw how hard his wife was going through the breakup with him, still literally did not give her access with constant calls and meetings, supposedly in order to take care of her mental well-being. He made every effort to continue to maintain a painfully protective relationship with her. In fact, there was no trace of nobility in the man’s actions, and in the course of psychotherapeutic work, my client was able to understand the true motives of his behavior. In fact, her husband was always jealous of her success in her career and financial well-being, which she had throughout her life thanks to her wealthy parents and her own successful career as a manager. After the official divorce and marriage to another woman, every time he communicated with her, he emphasized how happy he was in his new family. He talked a lot about how everything was great there and that he was very happy for the first time in his life. And then he happily asked his ex-wife about how she was trying to build her life on the ruins that remained in her soul after his departure. The man pushed away and then did not let go and again and again climbed up to her with his caring communication. For what? Yes, he simply enjoyed seeing her suffer. Their roles in Karpman’s triangle were most often distributed as follows: she is the victim, he is also the persecutor and deliverer. She left this circle when she realized that the man would not change and her dream of him becoming only a savior in her life would not come true. It was then that she was able to protect her life from all contacts with him, sending him along a well-known long-distance route. In the childhood of our heroine, and especially during puberty, there was no person next to her, ideally a man, who would appreciate what the beauty is growing. This is very important for the self-esteem of a future woman. What prevented the father from showing admiration for his daughter? Of course, my own life story: “...When I just started to transform from a girl into a girl, I felt that I was not needed, that I was scary. Glasses, plumpness, ponytail, slicked hair, wore a black turtleneck and preferred black to all colors. Then it seemed to me that this was how I stood out at school, it was important not to be like others...” In herIn her childhood there was a lot of humiliation and suffering, which she herself did not consider unfair. This is how she talked about her family: “I was raised by my mother and stepfather. There was no real father. When my stepfather married my mother, he had two children from a previous marriage. They didn’t humiliate me, they just teased me all the time.” No matter how the relationship with mom and dad developed in childhood, there is still one thing that unites everyone who experiences love addiction over and over again - this is failure, failures in the sphere of love experienced in childhood . And the answer to why this is so is this: when some area is problematic, then, willy-nilly, you concentrate your attention on it. So unloved children grow up with the thought that they will take revenge in their own family. And this is the beginning of the failure of their relationship in love. What is the reason for such a trap? And the whole point is in the particularity of the sphere of love in comparison with other areas of life, such as friends, sports, work, leisure, hobbies. If in any sphere except the sphere of love it is possible (and necessary) to set goals and achieve them, then in the sphere of love you cannot plan anything as a goal. Happiness in love is GIVEN to a person only if he has already received it in other areas. We can assume that this is an indicator that a person is happy in everything that is in his life. The opposite is also true: whoever is unhappy in some area of ​​life, at the minimum level he needs, is also unhappy in the area of ​​love. I think it’s clear that when I talk about happiness in love, I don’t mean short-term euphoria during the candy-bouquet period (up to 2 years), but permanent family happiness lived side by side with a loved one for more than a decade. But let’s go back again to our today's heroine, a woman tormented by a misunderstanding of the behavior of her ex-husband and still at that time beloved man rolled into one. Her man did things that tore our heroine's heart into pieces. When he had already left to live with another woman, he could call her and, saying how much he missed the intimacy that was between them, start crying for several minutes in a row and then, without saying anything else, hang up. He had no intention of returning, and at the same time he often emphasized that he was happy with his new wife, but with her (his ex-wife) everything was bad and she was completely alone. He did this supposedly only to take care of her. Agree - this is nothing more than outright mockery. My client and I started by developing respect for herself and allowing others to treat her with respect. She still had a difficult path ahead of her to love herself, but to begin to respect herself was the initial and very important stage for her. Often, when a relationship breaks up, the abandoned half begins to torment herself with questions about why they did this to them, what they were all thinking about time, attempts are made to understand the tactics of the other side. All this only aggravates suffering and depression. Not only can no one except the culprit himself give an accurate answer to these questions, but there are also no tactics, in principle. A person simply acts as it seems to him that it is profitable for him to act now. And he does not pursue any goals other than his own benefit. In my opinion, this is one of the key moments in order to begin to get out of depression. When I work with love addiction, the same situation very often repeats itself. We are just starting to work and the client supposedly “understood everything” and decided to put an end to the relationship, but... not even a week has passed since she writes to me on Skype that a terrible thing happened to her and she is in complete confusion of feelings. You may have already guessed that this is a reaction to the fact that a person who had already allegedly been erased from her heart wrote something to her. I repeat once again - this unsettling “hello” from an ex is repeated time after time with different clients, so I decided to devote time to this moment in this article. It is clear that this “hello” is not warm and loving, but selfish and called humiliate your former supposedly once beloved woman. This is a consequence of love addiction in=166#166