“I can’t live without him” Control as a way of existence. Codependency. “I don’t want this anymore, but I can’t help it,” - a plea for help flickered in her gaze, and her body and voice were at ease, but seemed to freeze at some point. It seemed that you were in theater, on the stage of which there are several characters: The one who suffers (small and helpless) The one who feels nothing, with a confused look The one who is quite adequate and wants a normal life This is reflected in the client’s body: posture, gaze, words. Although these characters are together, they don’t really see or understand each other. The goal for therapy: “Help me grow up.” This is how the client herself voices it. But this task is not easy, I tell you. According to her, she was her parents’ favorite child. She may not be very close to her father, but overall, everything was fine with them. But...she remembers almost nothing from her childhood. And this is an interesting question for a psychotraumatologist. So, codependency. It is impossible to live without him, but it is also impossible to live and endure humiliation and beatings. She has been living with him for a long time, she has a child. He. Shows rudeness, physical violence, there is no food in the house, but she can drink the money with friends. She... Obsessed with surveillance. - For what? “What do you want to know?” I ask. “I want and at the same time am afraid to find confirmation that he is cheating. That she is to blame for all our troubles. And it’s not about me, I want to be good, but because of her he treats me badly,” she seems to look at me guiltily when she says these words. But the more she talks about this, the more I create a fantasy a picture that in front of me is a 2- or 3-year-old child who is sensitively and jealously watching over his mother. Someone is about to steal mom away, steal her attention. And she is a small, helpless girl. And she is incredibly scared. At this moment I am present with her, totally: I see her, I feel her, I keep eye contact, my body reflects (mirrors) her body. At the same time, another part of me carries out all this analysis and suggests suitable interventions, another part of me monitors my own feelings and sensations (this is also in order to bring it into the work process, if possible). There is also my meta communicator, who seems to look at the whole process from the outside. (this is so that you have an idea of ​​how the mental process of a psychologist can work +-). But, as my Teacher says: “The client’s psyche is very wise, it itself will provide the material that needs to be worked with at the moment.” And this means - following the process! Yes, of course, you can go about this work in different ways: explore the past, give time to the client to speak out... This can be a very long process. The psyche is a wonderful thing! My client says that it is scary to succumb to dark thoughts and drown in them. Something huge, like the ocean, dangerous and unpredictable, scares her. “So that means we should go there,” I think. This is a theme about control and the ability to surrender, that is, about trust and safety. This is the basis for “growing up.” “Very carefully and slowly we enter into the image of the ocean... - I cannot be the ocean! - she says. (for me it means that there is no way to master this power yet, so we follow the client’s process further...) - Then who are you there? Who do you see yourself as? “I’m just a grain of sand that the ocean throws around,” she answers. “Excellent.” Let it, the ocean, lift you (a grain of sand) and then throw you ashore. Then pick you up again and take you into the abyss. There... then back... So some time passes, I give her the opportunity to dive deeper into the image. I notice that my body begins to relax. I ask her to notice what is happening in her body. (for her this is still very difficult, she doesn’t understand how to do it, she doesn’t feel it, she doesn’t feel it. And this means that she is often in dissociation - protection from pain. Therefore, the sensations are anesthetized). Therefore, please notice how her shoulders and arms relaxed. (she leans back in her chair, her back relaxes). For some time we still “live” in this place “ocean and grain of sand.” Please notice if anything is changing around (in her!