Last week there was a question from a subscriber: “How to grow up?”⠀If we met in the office, I would ask what a person means, what it means to him to be an adult and why he needs to grow up . But since we are on the Internet, I am deprived of such an opportunity and can only fantasize what was meant.⠀To better understand the request, I write in the search engine “how to grow up?” I read the articles I found: being an adult means... so act like an adult and not act like a non-adult. “Captain Obvious” comes to mind. I understand that I don’t want to write like that.⠀Then I open a serious book on the psychology of adulthood.⠀It describes different points of view about who an adult is, whether there is a difference between an adult and a mature one, what is considered the basis of adulthood. Depending on the point of view, the characteristic features of a person are listed: responsibility, thoroughness, stable value orientations and the presence of moral standards, independence, emotionally adequate reactions, flexibility and ability to adapt, tolerance, self-criticism, spirituality, and so on ad infinitum.⠀I notice two things :1. There is no single idea of ​​adulthood; 2. I feel irritated and bored by the description of an “adult” personality. Immediately the image of a human robot appears, sickeningly correct. It smells of mothballs, the collected works of Marx, a lacquered sideboard and a crystal service. Of course, that’s not what a mature personality is about, and there are descriptions that I like better. But from what I read, that’s exactly it. Next, I think I’ll take the criteria of adulthood that I like best. But I immediately understand that this is still about frameworks. But I don’t want to write about what one should be and how to get there. Then I wonder why the question “how to grow up” could arise in a person. And I come up with two options: 1. When someone says: “You need to grow up” (someone else’s desire). If so, then the phrase “you need to grow up” begins to carry an evaluative function: “You are not an adult!” And anything can be behind this: childish, irresponsible, weak, crybaby, frivolous... Bingo! This is what makes me irritated and nauseous. If I ask myself the question “how to grow up” from the idea that I am not like that, that I have to change, grow up, because they constantly talk about it, then I become indignant. Why can't I be myself? Why does it have to become something different? What does anyone else care if their boundaries are not violated? I can be different: sometimes irresponsible and insecure, sometimes make mistakes, sometimes violate moral standards and be dependent, get angry and react inappropriately. This is all me too and I like it. If the first option is close to you and you want to “grow up” because someone said so, then you probably need to deal with your shame and ideas about yourself: What am I? Do I have the right to be like this? Will I be honest with myself or will I betray what is important to me?2. When I myself want to “grow up” (my desire). I understand this situation this way: I behave in some way and designate it as non-adult behavior (in fact, it doesn’t matter what you call it). This behavior prevents me from getting what I want and I want to behave differently. But for some reason I can’t. If so, then the question will no longer be “how to grow up,” but how to change such and such behavior: - It seems to me that I am too emotional and overly worried when faced with uncertainty. How to change this?—I'm afraid to ask for a salary increase. How to learn to talk about your desires? - I get lost when I have to act according to the situation. I avoid difficult situations and conversations. I want to become more confident, how can I do this?— I’m already 30, but I feel like it’s still difficult for me to rely on myself and stand on my own two feet. I want to understand what this is connected with. Determine for yourself what behavior you want to change and work on it yourself or with the help of a specialist. And here it doesn’t matter what you call it: immature, insecure, impulsive, shy... After all, this is what you yourself want. And if this suits you, then, as one of the subscribers wrote:?