The increasing level of violence in society, including domestic violence, and the catastrophic lack of knowledge among a huge number of women prompted me to write this post. I recently read Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why is he doing this? Who is an abuser and how to resist him” on this topic, which I recommend to everyone interested. One of the most common questions that women have is how to understand that you are living with an abuser? Why am I writing about women because statistics are stubborn things. The vast majority of victims of domestic violence are women. Lundy Bancroft's book outlines boundaries in a partner's behavior that indicate the presence of cruelty behind them. According to the author, this behavior is: Your partner punishes you for the complaints you have made regarding his behavior. This is an attempt to hurt you so that you won't do it the next time. There are several options for repressive behavior: a) The partner, in response to your complaint, for example, about a raised tone, applies an increase in tone, or, having heard from you that you will not tolerate the word bitch addressed to you, he begins to use it with double frequency so that hurt even more. b) Switching to the role of the victim, with all your behavior and appearance making you feel guilty for expressing your dissatisfaction to him and oppressing him. For example, a partner may say sarcastically: “Okay, I’ll just listen, and you speak.” c) Ridiculing and mimicking your words. When you protest against mistreatment, your partner says that these are your problems. For example, he might say, “You're too sensitive and making a mountain out of a molehill,” or “You're just angry that things didn't go your way.” The partner apologizes, but his apology sounds insincere or aggressive, and he demands that you accept it. . For example, it might sound like this: “What the hell, I apologized, do I have to get on my knees for you to believe me?” The partner blames you for the impact of his behavior, criticizes and humiliates you for reacting painfully to mistreatment. For example, after his insults, you don’t want to have sex with him (which is natural), he can say to this: “You were probably satisfied elsewhere.” Discussing problems for a partner is always at the wrong time or “in the wrong manner,” no way of expression your dissatisfaction is not suitable for him. Your partner is hindering your development and independence in life. For example, because of him you quit your job or study, he ruined your relationships with loved ones, causes you material damage, devalues ​​your competencies in what you want to do. The partner denies his actions. For example, in response to his insults or hitting the table with his fist, he can simply say that this did not happen. The partner justifies his cruel actions or says that you forced him to do it. For example, "I'm yelling because you won't listen to me." When angry, he resorts to physical contact or scares you in other ways. For example, if he swung at you, punched a hole in the wall, threw something at you, blocked your way, threatened to beat you, this is physical cruelty. It is dangerous because once it appears, it can intensify over time. Your partner is forcing you to have sex. Your partner's controlling, disrespectful, and humiliating behavior is a system. If you think there are any of the above signs of his abuse, then you also need to listen to yourself by answering the following questions: - Are you afraid of him? - Are you moving away from family and friends because he makes this communication difficult? - Are your energy levels and motivation decreasing, and do you feel depressed? - Is your self-esteem low and you struggle to assert yourself or be good enough? - Do you find yourself constantly thinking about your relationships and how to/1327