It was a long time ago, She called and asked for a consultation. We talked and I hung up in confusion. This was the first person who wanted to come to me for professional help. My confusion was determined, firstly, by the fact that it was the first time, and secondly, I had just graduated from my third year of psychology, I had no experience, and I was simply a coward. But the most important thing was that she presented a request about which nothing was said at the institute. Many years have passed, but I am still ashamed because I never decided to work with her. She came to see me once, we just talked. It's probably time to say what she wanted to deal with. She successfully changed the shape of her eyes and... could not accept it. It was the first time I saw a person in front of me who had plastic surgery. Objectively, the results of the operation were excellent. Although, comparing her new appearance with old photographs, I found very few differences. In the year after the operation, she withdrew into herself, gained 20 kg, quit her job and broke up with her boyfriend. She became afraid in closed spaces. And most of all she wanted to have a time machine to cancel the operation. She couldn't hear compliments, especially if they told her that she had beautiful eyes. She was only 24 years old at that time, and she said that she went against God by changing the appearance given to her. I want to note that she was mentally healthy, smart and endlessly lonely. But I was afraid to help her, thinking that this would require some special knowledge. Already now, I understand that the only thing she needed then was simple human sympathy and acceptance of her for who she is, because she could not accept herself either before the operation or, as it turned out, after. I don’t know what her fate was like next. She moved and lost contact with her. And I still remember her. And now, now a client comes to me, who at the fifth meeting, in all seriousness, reveals a pearl that she can’t have a relationship with a man just because her hips are as much as 94 cm, which exceeds the limit by 3 cm. She this is being said in all seriousness... What are these appearance complexes? I would venture to guess that in 90 percent of cases this is an excuse for failure in other areas of life. It’s very convenient to blame all your failures on the shape of your nose or lips. Moreover, since childhood we have been convinced that all happiness goes to the beautiful. For those who disagree, I advise you to turn to fairy tales - the main character, who as a result receives a prince, happiness, a kingdom, etc. She’s definitely incredibly beautiful, you just can’t take your eyes off her. Modern fairy tales are not distinguished by their originality - the cult of beautiful appearance has enslaved everyone - sometimes there are dissatisfied people, but few people risk saying that appearance does not play a special role for him. The other extreme is to completely not care about your appearance and wonder why no one wants to communicate with you. A golden mean is still needed, and it is absolutely possible to achieve it. Signs that you have an ugliness complex. Minitest. 1. You think that you need to lose weight.2. You greatly limit yourself in clothing, do not wear the clothes that you like, for the reason “You can’t wear that.” 3. You visit a cosmetologist very often (women at least 2 times a week, men 1 time) 4. You regularly go on diets. 5. If you are offered to go to the pool (sauna), and you have non-epilated legs, you will not go for anything.6. If you are seen without makeup (unshaven), then you will worry for a very long time.7. You have difficulty accepting compliments, are embarrassed and don’t know how to react.8. When caring for yourself, you spend at least one and a half hours a day in front of the mirror.9. Now you can easily tell the volume of your hips, chest, waist.10. You weigh yourself every day, or even more than once.11.You dream of plastic surgery, and you will definitely do it.12. you completely agree with the statement that only beautiful people are loved.13.MoreYou spend half of your salary on your own appearance If you completely agree with at least 9 statements, then you should seriously think about what hopes you place on your own appearance, and what you are avoiding by focusing so hard on it. If you agreed with three or fewer statements, then perhaps you are protesting against the unfair structure of the world and you absolutely do not care what you look like. All of the above does not call for turning into unkempt creatures proud of their freedom. Everything needs moderation. And one more mini-test. Close your eyes and imagine yourself in a way that would completely suit you. How are you dressed, what is your figure, face, makeup, etc. after that, imagine that you have already become like this, imagine how your life has changed, what new has appeared, and what you had to part with. Identify one change in your life that brings you the most joy and pleasure. Now open your eyes and honestly tell yourself what is stopping you from achieving this now? Just don’t immediately blame everything on five extra kilos or protruding ears. One of my clients, after completing this task, blushed and said that if she had become so ideal (in her case, she had lost weight), she would have worn a dress that she could not afford to wear now, since her breasts exceeded the permissible standards. After that, we came to an agreement that she would still wear this dress and risk going out. She later talked about it very cheerfully. It turns out that she went out into the street, literally closing her eyes, thinking that everyone would laugh at her. Not hearing laughter, she opened her eyes and found very interested male gazes. That day she had no end to people who wanted to meet her. After coming out, she thought deeply about the fact that she was actually afraid to face such increased male attention and therefore attributed everything to being overweight. After that, she began to dress much more boldly, and began to lose weight! Please note that she was not on a diet, she simply no longer needed being overweight as a savior. And one more funny incident. The woman fought fiercely with cellulite. Everything was used - fitness, massage, body wrap, etc. It took a lot of money and time, there was little effect, but she did not give up, because she really wanted to look attractive to her husband. When the husband was asked in family counseling what attracted him most about his wife’s body, he said: “I like her butt most of all, it’s so soft, full of dimples, like a child’s.” My wife was shocked, since the dimples on her butt are a sign of cellulite, which she was actively fighting. There may be a mistaken impression that appearance complexes are an exclusively female privilege. Not at all! Men really don’t talk about this much, you can only guess by indirect signs. Everything said above applies to men too. They only have a slightly different subject of complexes. What worries them most? Firstly, this is growth. Too small and too big create a lot of problems. This complex is sometimes useful - in psychology there is a concept: “Napoleon complex.” It is known that Napoleon was very short and, as a result, he wanted to achieve more in life than what men of normal height had. In psychology, this mechanism is called compensation. The next thing that men experience extremely painfully is banal baldness. If a man more or less accepts his height, since it does not change in adulthood, then, when he begins to lose his hair, the man panics. After all, for him this indicates the approach of old age and a decrease in attractiveness. There must be an internal reconciliation with this fact, and this is serious internal work. A man who has not done this work begins to grow the remaining hair to an incredible length and somehow disguise his baldness. Although it would be much more attractive to have a short haircut. Or even shave your head, fortunately, this type of hairstyle or lack thereof is now.