In marital relationships all traumas received in childhood manifest themselves. A partner's behavior often resembles that of a parent or significant other from earlier in life. And then we “automatically” fall into the state of a child, feeling and behaving as we were used to in childhood. In order to change destructive interactions, it is important to separate the partner’s personality from the person he resembles. These are different people. And when separation occurs, it is easier for us to feel like adults, maintaining sanity in any situation. For example, a partner says something offensive. If you shut down or respond with aggression, you are in the state of a child who is accustomed to reacting this way. If you start shaming and lecturing your partner, you go into the state of a critical parent. The same mechanism operates with your partner in relation to you. How to transition to the state of an adult and maintain a relationship? An example from practice. A young woman, let’s call her Lilia, came to a psychologist for an answer to the question of whether to get a divorce or not. According to her, Lilia’s husband throws “angry tantrums” about “empty” times every six months place." He showers his wife with insults and obscene language, demanding: “Leave him alone” and threatening to leave the family. Then the insults give way to silence. After a few days of silence, the husband “thaws out” and the relationship continues as if “nothing happened.” To all his wife’s questions, the husband says: “Forget it, everything is over, I can’t live without you and my son.” I invite Lilia to draw her relationship with her husband. The result is the following drawing. - I see THREE figures. Why is there a son in the picture of a marital relationship? - I appreciate that my husband is a wonderful father, he takes care of me and the child, spends a lot of time with his son, plays with him. I am a “workaholic”; my husband often replaces both dad and mom for my son. “I hear that you value your husband as the father of your common child. And the drawing is an illustration of you as parents. As if the parental role in your relationship with your husband is more important than the marital one. - It is. - I don’t see the husband’s “angry hysteria” in the picture, where is it? - It’s not here. I’ll draw it now. - How do you feel when your husband becomes angry? - I’m scared. It’s as if I can still hear my husband screaming. “Have you heard such screams before?” When? - It’s very similar to my mother screaming at me as a child. - My husband’s scream reminds you of childhood events, and you feel like little Lilya. The child really cannot resist the anger of the parents. But, now you are an adult. A husband is not a mother. And you can tell your husband about your feelings. - I understand this, I try to speak, but I can’t. The husband snaps: “Don’t pester me.” I would like to add a mirror to the drawing so that the husband can see how terrible he is when he is angry. - When your husband is “angry,” are you trying to show him how terrible he is? Are you criticizing him?- It turns out that this is the case...- How does the husband feel when the “mirror” appears?- He gets even angrier, he doesn’t know what to do.- What associations does the color blue evoke?- Powerlessness, loss, fear.- It turns out What, you paint an evil husband with a color that you associate with powerlessness and loss. Imagine yourself as the husband in the picture, what does he feel? - I feel like a small, lost boy who is angry, but can’t do anything, just screams from powerlessness. - What makes him so angry? - What makes him angry is that I look like his mother. It seems to him that I am just as cold and indifferent to him. - Are you, Lilia, really cold and indifferent to your husband? - No, I love him, and I tell him about it. - I want to see how you do it? I can take your husband's place. How do you like this idea? - Yes, it’s interesting. Having stood in the “husband’s place”, I saw a young woman who pulled away as far as possible from me – the “husband”, pressed her body into the back of the chair, and bent all over like a treble clef. He looks from under his brows, his gaze is cold, prickly. - Why do you need me? - I need you to support me. - Am I a stand for you, or what? You don’t appreciate my efforts and care aimed at preserving the family. I have…