HOW TO HELP DURING PREGNANCY. (in the magazine "9 months"). Your children have become adults, and a new, very important stage is beginning in their lives. They are preparing to become parents themselves. And your task is to help them walk this road so that they become an even stronger and more united family, accept their new roles and new responsibilities and become real, and not formal, parents to their future child. But for this, it is very important for you to understand what is happening in their lives so that, on the one hand, it does not interfere with their formation as parents, and, on the other, does not leave them completely alone during this difficult period. This is a difficult but very important task, and it consists of finding a balance between the need to make life easier for your children and the desire to see them as adults and independent people. Changes. What is changing in the lives of your children? Now it was just the two of them, and they didn't have many duties and responsibilities. You can leave home at any time, sleep until noon on weekends, spend money on entertainment and then live from hand to mouth until your salary; you can have fun, especially without thinking about what will happen tomorrow. So far, they are connected mainly only by feelings. But everything will change soon. A small creature will appear that will be completely dependent on them. You will have to reconsider almost all aspects of your life - the distribution of time, money, responsibilities, leisure activities. And their relationships with each other need to be reviewed and new priorities set. In addition, they now have a lot of new things to do, small and large, in addition to the previous ones... They need to make repairs or rearrangements, buy a lot of different things, find good doctors and a maternity hospital. The expectant mother needs to attend an antenatal clinic. A lot of changes await your children, and this cannot but frighten them. Everyone reacts to them differently. You can picture this as two poles. On one, those who try not to think about the future at all and not even look in that direction are in euphoria, waiting for the birth of a child, like a surprise or a new doll. At the other pole are those who cannot think about anything else and are so worried that they begin to perceive the birth of a child as the end of their personal life, the loss of freedom, and closeness with each other. In other words, they begin to see the future child as a potential enemy and rival in advance. Their heads are spinning from the number of cases and problems they see ahead. And if at the same time the pregnant woman’s well-being changes sharply for the worse, which happens very often, it becomes even more difficult to cope with everything that awaits them now. Mood swings, physical weakness or illness, prenatal depression - all this complicates an already difficult situation. These, of course, are extreme options, and each is bad in its own way. If your children are unwilling to look to the future, they will not have time to prepare for their new roles, and the birth of a child can be a real stress and tragedy for them. Now they feel good, but then it will become unbearably difficult. Everyone will suffer from this - themselves, the child, and you, of course, too (After all, it is impossible to imagine that parents remain calm when their children suffer). The second option is bad because your children are already suffering. Then, when the child is born, they will understand that everything is not so scary, in vain they were afraid, angry, jealous, but now it is very difficult for them. And this condition can greatly affect their relationships with each other, so that later it will be very difficult to establish them again. In addition, if they already perceive the future child as an enemy in advance, then it will be difficult for them to love him. Psychological help. Here your own experience can provide enormous, invaluable help. You have already gone through all this, and perhaps more than once. And you can share this experience with them, tell them what pitfalls and joys await them, in order, on the one hand, to reassure them, and on the other, to give them a clearer idea of ​​what awaits them. Yes, it will be a difficult period, especially at the beginning, but it will pass, they will graduallythey will get used to it, and every year it will become easier for them. But the birth of a child will bring them, in addition to problems, an endless stream of new impressions, joy, tenderness and happiness, and it is also very important not to forget about this. Think about which pole your children gravitate towards, and help them, with the help of your parental experience, take their place closer to the middle, and, in other words, to reality. So as not to scare them, but also not to let them relax too much. Find words of support, approval and confidence for them that everything will be fine and they will cope, despite all the difficulties. Material assistance. You can help them with money if they need it, or with some major purchases for the unborn child - buying a stroller or a crib, or a car seat. It all depends on your capabilities and their needs. Do not forget about the golden rule - help is good when it is desired, and when it is given exactly what the person receiving the help needs. Therefore, before you buy something, find out in more detail what exactly is needed and which one, and, best of all, go together and choose what the future parents will like, but within your capabilities. Technical assistance. You can take on some of the responsibilities of a pregnant woman. Helping her around the house, going on errands in her place, getting tested at the antenatal clinic, taking older children to classes if she has any - all these seemingly small actions will help her pay more attention to herself, her health and caring for her unborn child. Information assistance. You can help a young family decide where it is best to be monitored during pregnancy and give birth, find good doctors, a nanny or a housekeeper for them. There are many ways - acquaintances, relatives, newspapers, Internet sites - all this can become a source of useful information for you. You can also share your own experience of bearing a child and childbirth, recommend some ways to alleviate the physical and psychological condition of a pregnant woman. Physical assistance. If there is a need and strength allows, you can help your children make repairs, paint, hang wallpaper, disassemble things, rearrange furniture, or shelter them during the renovation of their apartment. Underwater rocks. As you can see, there are quite a few ways you can help. But before you start doing this, you need to determine what kind of help is needed, in what volume, and compare the desires and needs of your children with your desires and capabilities. There are two main tasks that you face - to make life easier for your children during pregnancy and help them prepare for new, more adult roles. That is, help distribute responsibility in such a way that they feel like adults, independent, but not alone when facing a new life. It is important that they understand that this is their family, their child, and they are the main characters in this story. But at the same time, they must be sure that you are nearby, ready to help and support them in difficult times. The main problem that may confront you at this stage is how to give as much help as you need, no more and no less. At the same time, another thing is important - try not to spoil your relationship, not to offend them and not to be offended yourself. Because there are different children and different situations. Some still want to remain children, despite the fact that they will soon become parents. For others, it is very important to feel like adults, and especially now. And, if with the former the main thing is not to take on too much, because they themselves are ready to give anything, then with the latter the difficulty may be to persuade them to accept at least something. It’s also not worth leaving them completely, even with the best intentions - despite all the declared independence, they are still just becoming adults and without help it can be very difficult and lonely for them. As it happens (several examples from life). Sasha and Masha lived together with parents. They loved to have fun and thought little about their prospects and their future child. The car's parents are used to helping her with everything and taking everything from her.problems on yourself. This is what they did both when Masha was expecting a child and then when he was born. They dealt with all issues related to his upbringing, and Masha and Sasha continued to have fun. The parents were getting old, things were getting harder for them, but the children still did not want to take on any responsibility. The child never became for them anything more than just a toy that they can play with, or put in a corner and forget about. The child is also not used to considering them as authorities, support and support. His real parents were his grandparents, who taught him to shift all responsibility to others, but at the same time not to burden his mom and dad with their problems. What awaits this family in the future, when grandparents can no longer solve their problems, or, in other words, give them the opportunity to remain small children dependent on their parents? Will they be able to become adults while remaining together, build parent-child and husband-wife relationships, learn to distribute responsibilities, take care of themselves and each other? One thing is clear - even if this happens, it will be very difficult for all of them, many quarrels, scandals and stress await them. And there will be a lot of resentment towards the parents for “abandoning” them without teaching them in time to be adults and take care of themselves and others. Second example. Tanya and Vanya, having gotten married, decided to live separately from their parents. They liked to be independent, especially since not everything in their relationship with their parents went smoothly. Tanya was not given much freedom as a child; her parents strictly controlled her life, often forcing her to do what they thought was right, regardless of her wishes. When she started dating Vanya, her parents tried to interfere in their relationship. Vanya’s parents were jealous of Tanya, they criticized some of her actions and did not hesitate to voice their complaints out loud. All this created tension in the relationship, so they rented an apartment, although they did not have much money. When they announced that they were expecting a child, the parents were very happy and offered their help. At first the children agreed, but the parents again began to create tension. Help poured in in a torrent, where needed and where not needed. Tanya’s mom bought what she liked, not Tanya and Vanya, and Vanya’s dad, when he came to help with the renovation, loudly criticized Tanya’s pies and curtains. The tension grew, and the children again chose to isolate themselves and not let their parents into their lives, despite the fact that it was difficult for them, and the help was very helpful. The parents were offended and the relationship broke down. The young family survived and became even friendlier, despite the difficulties, but they managed to improve relations with their parents much later, when the child was already 5 years old. Old grievances, misunderstandings, and the reluctance of parents to treat their children with respect played a role in this gap. Everyone got hurt. Children were left without the support of their parents, grandparents could not communicate with their grandson, and for many years they were all deprived of the love that they could give to each other. Another example. Petya and Katya lived separately from their parents, but not far away. Petya really wanted to be independent, to feel like a man, a father, the head of a family, and Katya supported him in this endeavor. Their parents treated their desire for independence with understanding and respect. They offered their help, but were not offended when they were refused. In turn, they sometimes said “no” when Petya and Katya asked them for something, although more often they still said “yes”. And this was also accepted calmly. The children lived through difficult times on their own, although with the help of their parents. In this case, the situation developed in the most favorable way. And the reason is that, unlike others, these children wanted to become adults, and their parents did not interfere with this, but were ready to help when they themselves could not cope. Their mutual respect and understanding helped maintain good relations, despite all the difficulties of this period. Everything is not so complicated. As you can see, you can help in different ways. But, the most important thing is to keep a few gold.