From the author: Archive of a family psychologistHow caregiving “keeps” a family together. (“Out of reach”) Background. This was in ancient times, when the Internet was not even dreamed of. There were also not enough psychologists per capita. And people with their troubles and problems turned... to the editor of the newspaper. At that time, as a family psychologist, editorial offices periodically called me with a request to comment on this or that letter. Recently I was sorting through my papers and found publications in the “Psychologist and Me” section. Some of the cases described are quite interesting, and some are quite typical, and I decided to share them. (Names of clients have been changed) Letter I am 26 years old, I live in a marriage, my child is 3 years old. I am worried about my husband’s “departures” and frequent scandals with him. He can sometimes disappear for three days, then it turns out that he was just celebrating something with friends. And I'm looking for him! Lately, I go with my child to his mother, he comes there, asks for forgiveness, I return. For 2-3 weeks everything is fine, then again again... His mother says: “Let it go!” A man should have an outlet...” His dad also “left” all the time. I also have an outlet - when I go away for sessions (I study part-time, and sessions happen quite often). He is jealous, makes trouble, threatens not to let her in anymore. How to make sure he doesn’t “go away”? I want a quiet life, I often think about divorce lately. Maybe something else can be done? Alina Sh. Comment When I work with a family, I often begin to notice that there is a certain stereotype that “holds” this family together. Here we see a similar case. These “departures” are mutual, they are a feature of your interaction. It’s as if you both are playing ping-pong - today I’m leaving, tomorrow you’re leaving... When a stereotype is discovered, it is very important to ask yourself the question - why is it needed? Remember - there is nothing meaningless in family life. If you both do this, and “mirror” each other, it means that you each want to convey something important to your spouse. Based on what you said, I “read” the following messages to each other: Husband: “For me to love you and show it, you must be unavailable” Wife: “You must be unavailable, then I will need you and show it” . It turns out that in order to show your love for your spouse, you both need a state of anxiety and worry from the fact that “the subscriber is out of reach.” It follows from this that for some reason, manifestations of love and appreciation, gratitude and sympathy under normal conditions in your family happen. You can’t or don’t want to? It’s quite possible that you haven’t learned this in your families, but, as you know, it’s never too late to learn. You ask, Alina, is there “something else you can do”? Yes, of course. Families where scandals happen are living families, emotions are boiling there, there is still no indifference. The degree of boiling speaks of the power of love, “walled up” somewhere under a wall of mutual reproaches and irritation. This means that your couple also has the opportunity to get it. hidden treasure”... It won’t work right away - the wall is in the way, because both of you have been building it for a long time, “leaving” each other, “closing” from each other, but you are quite capable of dismantling it if you “invite” gratitude and gratitude into your family life. gratitude: Say “thank you” to your husband with a smile and you will see his wings grow. He will thank you - and you will want to do something more for him... If you want to save your family, and this person is still dear to you, you will find both the strength and the desire to perform this small daily feat - to show your love and gratitude. Show up exactly when the “subscriber is available” is at arm’s length. According to the law of reciprocity, do you think there is a great chance of a return hug??